| | It seems to me that the people who are truly intelligent in life are the ones who understand balance. To me, when i'm in prime freak-out mode, worrying and such about my life, it comes down to a balance in my head. How much of life do we make happen and when is it time to wait for life to happen?
When I was neurotic and wrote down everything that happened (literally) I would splice life up and down, in and out, waiting for something to exaggerate into something writable. It gave me anxiety, and I would worry when nothing would happen. When life would just sit still. Needless to say, I had to quit writing for awhile. But I was trying to hard to make life happen when I needed to sit back and take a breath and let it happen.
But at the same time, I got all this fire in me. I want to take life by the horns and shake it up. But i want to do it quietly and gently, with a force unforeseen. Like a volcano that's secretly rumbling beneath a still surface. I'm looking to do it that way. There's ways, little ways. Saying people's name's when you regard them, looking them straight in the eye, not being scared of the life you wanna have, saying thank you, reading deeply into books, following your curiousity, exploring your city, coming to conclusions and then taking action. I read in my history text last night that Cleopatra was "active and focused", no one saw her coming but by the end of her life with Marc Antony, people feared her. I don't want people to fear me, I just want to move through life like that. With people saying, "Man, what's she got that I don't?" And Christ will always be behind it.
I put my polaroids above my bed last night and I woke up this morning and laid there staring up at them. I was grateful. And I told myself, I spoke it outloud, "You have to be grateful. God has given you this beautiful, colorful, tasty life, and you must be grateful." It's a sweet reminder. There's a poem by WH Auden about being poor in spirit and thankful. You ought to read it.
For now, until God provides the next step, or something occurs to me, I do the best at what I can, school and relationships and whatnot. I'm trying to live well. At any rate, what do you think?
I could go on and on, but I won't. Adieu.
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| | Posted 11/16/2006 10:07 PM - 2 views - 0 comments
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