|
youpenga
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Candice
Birthday: 9/28/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Not eating. Restrictions. Fasts. Challenges to lose weight. Thinsperation. SI. ANA. COE. Singing. Calories.
Expertise: Eating! I want another expertise...NOT EATING!
Occupation: Student Nurse
Industry: Medical
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
MSN: youpenga@msn.com
Member Since:
7/29/2004
|
|
| I NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK...HELP... Hey everyone,
I know its been forever and Im so sorry....but I have had so so much going on! Like so so much...
Heres a snippet of all thats happened...
I was baptised on the 31st August into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which was amazing...
I lost alot of weight over the summer...and now am twice as big as I have out it all on and more...so Im now about 220lbs!
I have failed a placement due to sick time because of my bulimia and depression, so am no longer on my nursing course...fucked I know!
I hate myself more that ever and im so numbed.
Thats all the stuff Iv got to share for now about my year, the bits that count.
So now....
I HAVE TO GET BACK ON TRACK BIG TIME!!
AND I WILL NEED HELP DOING IT...
I have bulimia, and I like to starve myself...so I suppose anorexic tendencies...I am not pro-ana or anything like that...
I hate living with my ED, but its all I have right now, and I need to cling to it, I need to lose lotsa weight and fast!
So please support me in my struggle to get THIN!
I have missed you all, but I have been reading my emails from xanga, so I know how most of you are doing....
ITS A NEW YEAR, AND I DEFINATELY NEED A NEW START!!
LOTSA LOVE
XXX
| | |
| IM STILL ALIVE - SOMEWHAT UNFORTUNATELY!Hey everyone,
Well your support as always has been un-failing and to this Im greatly appreciative! Thankyou for staying with me and commenting and being so kind!
I dont deserve such kindness!
Anyhow, I spose some of you are wondering what the hell has been going on with me...
Well I have been somewhat not too great atm!
Im pretty much Cutting everyday now.
Iv put on so much weight that its disgusting!
I weight fucking 15st 3lbs
How fucking gross right! That like 213lbs!
Im a complete failure and Im so far from my target of 90lbs by the 28th Sept. I would literally have to not eat till then to reach my target...and you know what I would love to be able to do it...but i know that im far too weak to do it. I would not get past a week...fuck I prolly wouldnt pass 12hrs! IM PATHETIC!
I dont know what to do anymore, im not purging nearly enough as i should be, instead i cut, but that doesnt get rid of the disgusting calories i eat now does it.
BUT...
All this is going to have to change...and you know why...I have 3 months off for the summer...in this time I must concentrate on losing weight.
I will have no excuses what so ever to fuck up.
I will not eat infront of anyone - which i do anyways actually thinking about it and Iv got people left right and centre accussing me of having an eating disorder...i deny it of course...yet theres that happy part of me laughing and being happy because i feel i must be doing something right!
I will lose weight.
I have done it before.
I can and WILL do it again!
I just have to find my feet again and get back to restrictions and be so strict with myself!
Anyhow, Im going to go...
I wanna thankyou all so much for being strong and staying so amazing awesome with me!
I do love you all !
Thankyou!
Much love and support always
xxx Candy xxx
| | |
| I AM FAT AND PATHETIC!!I HATE MYSELF
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME
I AM SO FUCKING FAT
I DISGUST MYSELF
I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS
BUT I CANNOT BRING MYSELF TO GET RID OF THIS DEMON IN MY HEAD TELLING ME IM FAT, UGLY AND THAT I NEED TO THROW UP, AND STARVE AND CUT!!
I HATE MYSELF
FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT
IM SORRY
X
| | |
| At my brothers party...I feel so alone!You know the hardest thing about having this thing this disease if you wish to call it...is that you feel completely alone when surrounded by a thousand people. Right now, everyone is downstairs, its 00.56am and Im alone in one of the rooms at my brothers place...and Im online... We walked here from the pub and on the way - Theres this tiny gurl, Lauren ans theres like nothing to her...I mean shes not really thin though...But she was getting a piggy back from a guy I really like, the guy is taken, so nothing would happen anyhow, but thats not what I was thinking... I was thinking about the last time someone gave me a piggy back you know...Iv been FAT for so fucking long, I cannot remember. I get completely paranoid when someone touches my fat and if someone were ever going to pick me up I would completely freak out! Anyhow.... Im alone in a crowd. I feel like shit. Just need you guys right now...the only people who understand and get it. I really wanna purge right now and cant. Fuck! Lotsa love and support xxx Candy xxx | | |
| MY BROTHER HAS FOUND OUT EVERYTHING!!MY BROTHER HAS INDEED FOUND OUT EVERYTHING. HE KNOWS I PURGE. HE KNOWS I CUT. HE KNOWS I TRY NOT TO EAT - INHIS WORDS - I STARVE MYSELF. IM DEVASTATED AND SCARED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ------- HE JUST HAD TO GET ME ON A BAD DAY, HE GRILLED ME FOR FUCKING AGES ON THE FONE AND I JUST BROKE DOWN. IT ALL CAME OUT. IM PATHETIC FOR TELLING HIM I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME. I HAVE TO GO AROUND HIS FOR A COUPLE NIGHTS. HE WONT LET ME SAY NO! And hes also said hows hes going to ask me everytime he sees me if i have been purging. No matter what I say though he will think Im lying. Last night after the fone all, I broke down. I binged and purged and took a few pain killers to lul the pain. I dont know what to do, my dad is picking me up in an hour and i have to go to my brothers. I just want to go home and curl up on the couch with my dogs and a good movie. I dont want to have to face my brother. Im so fucking unsure now. I feel like everyone is going to find out now. Im so lost and alone. I dont know what to do!? Love and Support Always xx Candy xx | | |
|
|
Dying to be Perfect!!
|
|
Never feel good enough.
Always feel alone.
Knowing now that this tough.
Wanting to reach the bone.
Dying to be Perfect.
How to get there in time.
Numb is how Im feeling.
So deep inside.
"Ana recks your life,
like and Anorexic life"
I have scars that show.
Scars below the veil of fat.
I suffer along side of many.
In a way never alone.
Perfection is my aim.
An aim i must achieve.
Or I am attacked by blades so sharp,
Just to make me bleed.
Derserved however.
I dont live to eat,
I only eat to live.
Numb.
|
|
