It has been a fucken while.

My friend Steph is in town from Los Angeles, crashing in my roommates room while my roommate is in Europe, and we were sitting around talking about New Years resolutions. Well, fuck- I'm just not the kind of girl that participates in that kind of thing. My personal opinion is if you see something in yourself that you feel needs a change, you're only going to change it when you want to, not just because its the new year. But whatever, I'm not the only person who feels that way.

But Steph's resolution of writing every day made me really reflect on my previous use of my xanga, and my quality of life seemed to be slightly more reasonable with my 'outlet'.

So here I am, once again, months after the last entry, attempting to establish a healthy habit again.

I guess, here's some news:

My girlfriend and I are moving in together in a few months, if at that time we feel we're healthy and ready. This is THE MOST fair, beautiful, compassionate, passionate relationship i've ever been in, which is funny because when I first knew her, I never even thought she saw me as more than....well.....can I say it? A body.

I start my new job on the first of february.....and I'm excited.

Maybe another update a little later.

Ciao

I'm not feeling sorry for myself anymore, even though I was in COMPLETE denial that I even was in the first place. The wind is changing....

I need an apartment in the city. No. I take that back I need a room. And for lack of better judgement financially, possibly even just a couch or a floor to crash on while I save enough money [will only take me one month] to get a room and have my deposit cash.

I'm FIIINNNAAALLLYYYY on my damn thyroid medicine and while the first couple of days were hellish, I'm starting to adjust. and soon will be adjusting my belt buckle.... um.... to accomodate less Mo.

I see the gray cloud's silver lining already, but that doesn't mean its any more than like.....2% of it. I need Mo. But the good Mo. I need the Mo that cares so much about her friends, notices little things and congratulates them on things.

I've spent 22 years of my life evolving into this..... lifeless form that occasionally molds into its surroundings that look better than what it sees itself as.

.....and I'm over it.

Viva La Mo!

Tonight is the night Angela and I have set aside to discuss our issue.... the one where I was an asshole. I'm scared- the fear of losing my best friend has consumed me completely- I am dangling by the mere thread that she will show me how to, while it is fully understood that it cannot be fully, re-develop the trust that is the mother-board of a friendship.

My brother..... Patrick called me yesterday for the first time in months because he could sense something was wrong. I believe everything happens for a reason, and his reason went untold, but I made sure he knew it was perfect timing. He listened to me, and offered advice to me as a friend. It was the best advice I had heard in a long time- different ways to look at my situation, how to understand what Angela is going through- how to handle my confrontation in a healthy- productive way, and most of all.... he told me how proud of me he is....which was the killer. That's when I cried. Does anyone really have the right to be proud of me? Like really? honestly? Sure.... I moved out here initially not knowing one person- but I fucked up... I spent a year recharging my battery and I lived through it... then I moved out here again- and I've proved to myself and to everyone else that I could succeed..... but really.... am I succeeding? I've lived here again for 2 years at this point and I have no savings, I've become lost in the game, practically ruined the best friendship I've had [besides Jeriney, which while I was home also almost fucked up], and not given my all to my job. I've learned a lot, that's good. I found love, even though my lack of communication skills fucked that up, too..... I just seem to really fuck things up..... Who the Fuck am I? Not someone I would view and say, oh they've accomplished a lot to be proud of.

What am I doing here? What am I doing in life? What am I truly worth if anything at all? I'm not helping people- I'm destroying them. Not only am I destroying others, I've practically destroyed myself.

I'm living off fumes.

This is not a way to live.

Apparently my thought process stems from more than that of which concerns my father.

I have an issue that has been neglected for months, I have an issue....uhhh... let me rephrase: I have more issues that have been neglected for years... and these....neglected issues have led to who I am today which leads to my reaction process which leads to others' reactions which lead to conflict, anger, lies....mostly on my end.

ohhhhh so sad.

My best friend of whom is not aware of my online journal community [which is why I'm writing here today] and I's issue stems from my reaction to a health problem a couple of months ago. And I'm gonna be honest with you- I really didn't mean the way I acted, I made it seem that I didn't care, that she was faking her situation or that she was being dramatic..... I really didn't believe that. I knew deep down that it was important. Which is why a piece of me....a piece of my heart is shriveled and dying at the moment. I knew she was hurting and I really wanted to be there for her- I wanted to be the first to know what was going on- I dropped what I was doing every time she was feeling sick- I WANTED TO BE THERE because I fucking love her. It was no burden to me what-so-ever. So why the fuck did I react the way I did?

....I wouldn't have known if things panned out differently, I would have just apologized [genuinely] for my actions and we would have moved on. But the fact that it still bothers her today greatly and it has almost ruined our friendship [this and the way I've behaved the past few months] has inspired me to assess my reality. Why the FUCK did I react like that?

I went through previous journals, I asked my family members what they think and since.....have been enlightened to know that I have been behaving this way towards them to.... wow..... really? Have I been oblivious to my actions for this long? Have I been telling myself that I'm a good person when I'm not? Do I tell myself that I stand by morals that I let go by the wayside every time I see something I want or feel at the moment? Who am I? What have I become?

It's literally, as all of the stories told, taken my fucking up of an incredible thing to realize what's good.

I think it all started with my mother's breast cancer. Yes I've ignorantly used this as an excuse before, but really, now I am in more touch with the way it has effected my path and not just the initial situation that burned me. Breast Cancer's the word. It ties to my depression, severe weight loss, severe weight gain, loss again, anxiety which led to my situational anxiety. Situational anxiety- that's what the ignorant doctors diagnosed Angela with.....[trigger]. Hm.... Well then let me think of that. Let's stem off it.

How did the people around me, and myself react to my situational anxiety. Well.... I went to the psychiatrist. He gave me anti-depressants. I took them, I lost feeling.... But wait....there's more. How did my father react? He, after 3 months of me being on this medication took them away......why did my father take them away? He didn't want to tell anyone that he had a daughter on medication for depression. "No one in this family is depressed, no one needs medication- we're a completely functional family. I will not be forced to make people think we have a disfunctional family. Situational anxiety is situational- be a big girl and fix this yourself."

Yes.... I remember it clearly. My anger towards my father, the tears. How did I handle it? Well... I can't talk back to my father so I handled it the only other way I knew how... to supress. To keep my mouth shut. So stew.... to marinate in it and simply hope that it passes.

So this..... my anger, my un-solved anger towards my father and his reaction to my 'situational anxiety'..... does this lead me to react the way I did to Angela's? Is that valid? Sure.... but its still no excuse. That's not fair to Angela for me to react in a hurtful way to her just because I didn't have my own shit straightened out. So what do I do....

Where do I go from here?

How do I handle this fairly and communicate my reasoning without pulling the attention to me- because this situation is really about my hurting HER. I want to make it right, I don't want my best friend to hurt anymore because of me. She's hurt too much for too long....because of me.

I asked my brother about lack of communication skills and the relation of that issue stemming from our relationship with my father and how we were not allowed to talk back to him. His word is THE word and no other word shall even have word-value lest a sting to the cheek or being grounded, shunned almost by him and by his word the rest of the family, left to deal all alone with these problems in our room-cages. Over dramatic? I'm not even doing it justice. It was an awful punishment...the banishment was.

My brother said yes, he agrees. But I have another problem that I need to deal with as well.... empathy. I've been through a lot so I subconsciously judge others' situations to mine own and remember how badly I was hurt so I relay that their problem doesn't compare and they need to get over it.

....wow.... do i really?

....think....think........and think..... situation after situation after situation I'm seeing the pattern. My empathy.... is lacking. Almost non-existant. I shut off my ears and my heart to those who are coming to me with open mouths and open hearts. Searching for an answer and the only answer I give them is that what they are feeling is not important to me when in reality it is.... I care about these people and I want them to come to me with their problems because I care... the rest is going on in my suconscious..... meanwhile hurting them..... and now killing me because I hurt them.....

I have no more time on this public computer.... but jotting this down really makes me feel better.....

.....i'm sorry if I've ever hurt you..... it was not my intent. and I hope that you take this sorry to overrule all the other ignorant sorries I've ever spat out in the moment- while I meant them..... this is my educated sorry. The sorry of all sorries...the one that means I'm fully conscious of my actions now, and will do all that it takes to make sure it never happens again.....

I am so.....so sorry.