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| what a nightSo since I don't really have anyone to talk to...I'll just lay everything out on the nerd for all the world.
1. I really like that the friends I thought I was so close to find it so easy to toss me to the bottom of the list. I must admit I am a bit tired of being the one that always makes the effort.  And then I find when I need someone the most, no one is around. I have to say, that tonight, I did eventually find this fact comforting, because I find it easier to rely on God and his love, instead of reaching someone's voicemail. Its not that I have hit rock bottom, because I know I have definitely been lower than where I am now...but when I don't feel I can speak to my family, and my closest (or so I thought) friends haven't answered nor returned calls for several weeks...I am suddenly reminded, "Oh, yeah, you're there God." And as sad as I am that some are M.I.A. I am incredibly strengthened by God's amazing presence and grace. 
2. Tonight did NOT go how I had hoped. The plan was to go to Chipotle with my daddy to share a burrito and then just hang out with him, which I have to admit I was looking forward to. I haven't been able to spend much time with him lately, and I do miss him. Well, I wasn't even half-way home when I got a call from him telling me that I needed to get to my grandmother's condo IMMEDIATELY because she had fallen and wasn't able to get up.  I was about a mile from her exit, so I sped to it and raced down the street (60 in a 40) to reach her as fast as I could, and on the way I called my brother, who was definitely closer than my father was. When I got there she had managed to crawl over to the door and unlock it, so I raced in only to find her trying to crawl to her chair. Honestly, I have never felt so helpless in my life, and if that's how I felt, imagine how she was feeling. I raced to her and quickly saw that her ankle was SWOLLEN so I helped her to sit up against the chair and got a bag of ice. We waited for my brother to get there, and as soon as he took a look he called 911. About 5 minutes later, daddy got there, and then about 5 minutes after that the paramedics arrived. They were so kind and so helpful, and I have no idea how to thank them, except keep them in my prayers.
Once we got to Arlington Memorial, well, they were very rude. I've never had a nice experience there. Anyway, they kept saying they didn't have a room, but finally they got her off the stretcher and into a wheelchair and back to a room. Once the x-ray had been done, daddy and grandmother came out...the swelling had gone down quite a bit and she seemed to be in a better mood. I left to get the house ready for her to stay with us and take care of the animals, and about an hour later my brother, sister-in-law, dad and grandmother got to the house. So its about 9:45, and I'm sent to the 24-hour Walgreen's in GP. Ok, so all that road construction is FRUSTRATING to say the least. At this point I am already very annoyed b/c of the roads, traffic and several other things...so the fact that the automatic door opened SLOWER than a snail moves and I literally almost ran into it didn't help. I ran back to the pharmacy, put the prescription in and proceeded to the magazines. There was nothing worth reading, but I had to try to distract myself...so I pretended to be interested in US Weekly or one of those crap things. Once I got the prescription, I called my brother to let him know I was on my way home, and by the way, I was already driving off...when he said, "Do they have a walker? Don't leave, go see if they have one and call me back with the price!" So I quickly do a u-turn and go back in the store (with the clerks and people in line giving me weird looks). So this walker is $79.99 - I notice the box is unusually light on the way to checkout but write it off to it possibly being a lightweight/cheap metal - and knowing I probably don't have enough in my bank account to get it without an overdraft, I get it anyway. Get all the way home, after getting lost because I couldn't freakin' find I30, dad opens the box...NO FREAKING WALKER IS IN THERE! Back to Walgreen's I go. At this point, I'm in tears trying to get back down there, and fast...I got lost in some neighborhood because again, there's construction on every lame road in GP. And my phone had died about 30 minutes prior. So once I get into Walgreen's and up to the counter, I hand the box to the cashier and tell her there is nothing in it. Her response is a blank stare, and "HUH? What? What do you mean?" I respond, "What do I mean? I mean I got back with it, my dad opened it to put it together for my grandmother, who has broken her ankle, and there's two parts the darn thing in there and nothing else. THAT is what I mean." Cashier, "Oh...um...ok...I don't know if we have another one." And did I mention that at this point it is after 11 pm? So anyway...I get my money back, I get to my car, and I cry again. Not from being annoyed and not from being tired, but out of sheer worry for my family. Anyway, brother to the rescue, the Walgreen's closest to us had a walker and he was able to get it and drop it off. So, end of the night, grandmother broke her ankle and I feel farther away.
3. Something I've been thinking about a lot lately...if only my family knew how much I had changed and grown, and how much I really do care and worry about them. All I ever hear from them is how selfish and self-centered I am. Oh really? I'm SICK of hearing that...I am by no means perfect, no one is, but I am most CERTAINLY not selfish. I think my parents still treat me the way they do, because they only know the 18 year-old me...the one that left for the West Coast straight out of high school...naive, uneducated in how most people work, and scared. The me now, is still scared (Lord only knows how scared), more confident in my skin, and not the smartest person in the world, but wiser. I feel they don't see that, but what I think is worse, is they don't want to know. Mom says she wants us to be friends, to be able to talk...but she's always so, so...closed...that I find it hard to talk. I hate it. I can't talk to my dad because he's constantly worried about so many other things (like taking care of the family) that wether we talk or not, he never remembers anything. I guess more than anything I just miss the relationship we used to have. Oh well, I just pray things will change soon. I'm afraid I'll never get that back. | | |
| songsso there's a lot of lyrics that i can relate to lately...and since i'm no good with words (obviously, otherwise i wouldn't be in my current situation) i decided i'm going to use the words of those who know how to actually express themselves.
"Chills"
Light another cigarette
and maybe by the end of it
you'll have changed.
Make a mental note to self
to dig a deeper wishing-well
next year.
Still, you are the only thing I fear
You give me chills, you give me chills
Sentimental waking up
or sleeping in a coffee cup it seems.
You're so high, the sky's scared
and now you're in my nightmares
and my dreams.
Still, you are the only thing I need
You give me chills, you give me chills
You give me chills, then you leave me cold
Still, you are the only thing I feel
You give me chills, you give me chills
You give me chills, then you leave me:
You give me chills, you give me chills
You give me chills, then you leave me cold
And then you leave me cold
"Begin"
I'm walking down Broadway
Each footstep is a new love letter
I'm trying to make eye contact
With each and every stranger that I pass
I'm thinking about the city
It's living proof people need to be together
I'm thinking about how I just wanna open up
And give and give and give
And its ok for you to care
Cos I can feel you in the air
And while you wonder
How's this gonna end
I only wanted to begin
I'm thinking about desire
I've had to learn how to sin successfully
I'm thinking about bliss
And bliss is all dressed up and there's no one to dance with
Remembering her smile
And the nuclear bomb and the reasons I loved her
I'm walking through central park
I'm in a foreign country and I'm waiting for a sign
And its ok for you to care
Cos I'm not going anywhere
And while you wonder
If you should let me in
I only wanted to begin
I'm still singing
Twisting new melodies, breaking arrangements
I'm thinking about my heart
I guess youve heard, sometimes its heavy
But I just keep moving
When I hit a wall I look up at the sky
I'm thinking about my maker
And despite all this I know she wont give up on me
And its ok for you to care
Cos I can taste you everywhere
And while its true all straight things must bend
I only wanted to begin
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| The Glass Parade
Just a voice inside your head
Whispering all the hope is dead
All the time you had to prove
That no one really loves you
I found you in a reflection
You didn't want me to see
I will give you all I have
Just look up, break down and believe
This is a glass parade
A fragile state
And I am trying not to break
And the stars are shining
The moon is right
And I would kill to be with you tonight
Wish you told me all the truth
So afraid to face an absolute
All the fights you had to lose
All the fear was put upon you
I found you when you were broken
Too many cracks of deceit
I will give you all I have
Just look up, break down and believe
This is the feeling, falling
So much I want to say
Show me the same emotion
Show me what's at stake
How much can you take
When you realise your fate?
Hold me now as the car lights fade
And we are dancing in the glass parade
It's just a voice inside your head | | |
| the end of one chapter and the beginning of the nextWell, my brother left about 2 hours ago with all my crap in the truck. I'm left with my suitcases, clothes, and the few necessities that I can't do without. Obviously one of them being my computer.
I'm incredibly bummed, but at the same time can't help but feel relieved.
In the few short months I've been back in Los Angeles, I made amazing friends, grew up a lot, and my faith was made even stronger.
I'm so happy to have met each and every person, and they've all left me with different things (not materials).
This isn't good-bye, its just another twist in the plot of the story that is my life.
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| Clarity
I'll take your words as if you were talking to me.
Say what I know you'll say and say it through your teeth.
With pride keep every failure in.
And with pride hold on to the sinking.
Now in the deep and down your heart moves.
Now in the deep and down, I don't know how but I know I want out.
Wait for something better.
Will I know when it can be us?
Maybe that doesn't mean us.
Wait for something better?
I shouldn't, it's not enough.
Pull one excuse from another.
Just one excuse from another.
This time it means us. stop. 
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