How are you today?-

A hole,
a distinct
and gaping
hole
in my chest,
whenever i sit
and think.
Whenever i wonder
or wish
or pray.
Guilty,
scared,
or insecure,
regretting,
but wondering.
This hole,
distinct
and deep,
a reminder,
what i
had,
what i
gave up,
what i
could have had,
or what it was?
A hole.
deeper than before,
makes me cry,
and scream,
and beg,
and plead.
This hole
a distinct
and gaping
hole
in my chest.
But
other than that
I'm doin okay.

Nine Inch Nails- Somewhat Damamged

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything

Lick around divine debris
Taste the wealth of hate in me
Shedding skin succumb defeat
This machine is obsolete

Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

In the back off the side far away
is a place where I hide where I stay
tried to say
tried to ask
I needed to
all alone by myself
where were you?
How could I ever think it's funny how
everything you swore would neve change
is different now
just like you Would always say
we'll make it through
then my head fell apart
and where were you?
How could I ever think it's funny how
everything you swore would never change
is different now
like you said you and me make it through
didn't quite
fell apart
where the fuck were you?

.....I cant stand this.

If Romeo and Juliet had lived, how long would it have taken for their love to go sour? Was it fate that doomed their affair or was it dimwitted bad choices they made? There was no chance they could have made it. Love like that can not stand, no matter how true it seems. It's a fatal flaw when it comes to human emotions. The more you put into love and the more you depend on that relationship, the more things could go wrong. Depending on someone to help you exist isn't an existance. Love in those extremes doesnt make you stronger, it just makes you co-dependent. Romeo was just a fool. He pledged his heart to Rosalind but gave that up when he found something better. That wasnt true love. That wasn't romance. "Love" that firey and that passionate burns out quickly. Even if everything had gone their way, their parents had given them their blessings, they had every chance they could, odds are they would have lost interest because the novelty was gone. There was nothing real there, past all the pretty words and vows. There was nothing. And in the end that was the tragic outcome. Nothing. So you died for her, Romeo? Ah you stabbed yourself for him, Juliet? So what? Did you prove your point? Are ya happy? Who gives a shit? Did you gain anything? NO! For a love to thrive there has to be something behind all the romance. You can say all the sweet nothings, give every rose, make every vow but if you have nothing else, you wont last.

 But, believe me, I have nothing against love, itself. Love is one of the better human emotions out there, although with love you also envoke a slew of other emotions that don't make the human race all too attractive. You bring forth the jealously, the self loathing, the hate, the greed, the doubt, the obsessions, the control, the impulsiveness, the paranoia and many more. Love is a display of the best and worse of human nature, all at once. It's listed as an emotional need in order to properly function. Love is a beautiful human occurence but how one reacts to it poses the problem. Control it, it leaves. Smother it, it dies. Take it for granted, it loses interest. Depend on it for everything, it leaves you worse off then you were. Disregard it, you lose your chance. Its a fragile, unstable notion and the stronger you think it is, the more you have to lose when you lose it.

if this makes no sense to you, don't feel bad, it makes no sense to me either.

Insanity and Oddity for all eternity,

-Tracy

  So its my birthday huzzah. I'll get back to you when i have something important to say

And another month slips into the past. much has changed but i still remain the same confused and bewildered creature i have been. People have come and gone in this month, lives nearly lost, all amounting to a shmillion new poems here. here is a few of the ones i wrote, these three written in regards to a certain friend. well.... enjoy!

Betray Me

what are you waiting for?
my back is turned
im not watching now
take this oppertunity
do what you always wanted to
quickly now
before you lose your nerve
cut the ties
stab me in the back
Hurry now,
time's almost up
betray me, my friend
do your job
Stop wrestling with your conscience
just get it over with
quick and painless
cut swiftly and deep
No regrets,
I forgive you for what you have to do
This is the last thing i can give you
this chance to end it on your terms
I am willing
i am ready
I am waiting for the stab of a friendly dagger.
Et tu, Ami?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Said

You said
"Be strong, it'll all get better,
you have me to lean on
me to depend on"
You said
"I'll always be here
you'll always have me"
You said
"Youre the stronger one
better than me
help me"
You said
"I need him to live on
i need him to help me"
Was he all that you lived for?
Was he all that you'd die for?
you said
"I cant go on any more
You'll get over it
you forget
and then you'll go on"
You said
"its fate's will that
makes me do this
its out of my hands now"
You said
"Im already gone
so why prolong this?
you cant change, niether can i"
you said
so much to me
you lied
so much to me
you said too much
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deep

You want this
Cut so deep
they laugh at you
deeper
you want this
deeper
they cant see you
cut so deep
you want this
deeper
Dont you?
youre ready
its set
your aim is perfect
but you miss your mark
red lines
pain but not death.
lack of courage
and you back down.
so scared to die,
but so afraid to live like this.
Afraid,
To cut too deep.