i feel like SHIT.

like a piece of fat, bloated, worthless, disgusting shit.

i havent been too concerned with my wieght lately which is a horrible mistake. cld i be anymore careless? im fucking nasty.

i was in the kitchen with my boyfriend tonight after i made him a chicken cutlett sandwich with ranch and i ate just a plain cutlett. i went to cut a piece of bunt cake and here's how the convo went ...
"idk why ive been so hungry lately ..."
"well you just like to eat." (very matter of factly)
"what?!"
"yeah .. you just like to eat.... (seeing i wasnt all that happy about the comment)...everyone uhm like to eat. no biggie"

I LIKE TO EAT ?!?!?! ive NEVER liked to eat and he knows this.

so the outcome of tonight?

i stood infront of his mirror for like 10 min pinching myself. pinching all my fat. i have fat in places i didnt before. i have more fucking fat in places i already had fat.

i have...
arm
cheek
neck
back
hip
finger
wrist
belly
chest
thigh
shin
ankle
... fat

ALL THOSE PLACES.

im gross.

whatever.

dear ana,

IM BAAAAAAACK!!

I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped into you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you

i love you.
&& i mean it.

when i said i would do anything for you..
i meant
anything.

when i said i trusted you.
i meant
with my life.

& last time i told you that youre the
"perfect boyfriend"
i meant
you happen to be the sweetest, most caring, loving person i've ever met

that look in my eyes when i look up at you
& tell you "i need you"
is the look of someone who would
wait a lifetime for you if you ever left


i hope you understand
youre perfect to me

im sorry if i dont tell you i love you enough

and im sorry if i dont show you how much you mean to me

im sorry if i yell at you over stupid shyt

and im sorry if i get over protective and freak out

im sorry if i dont have what she has

or tell you the things you wanna hear all the time

im sorry if i dont have blonde hair & blue eyes

and im sorry if i talk too much sometymes. i never meant to bore you

im sorry if i cry & get over emotional.

and im sorry if i lack what you need

im sorry i dont wear a size 0.

im sorry i dont look like her

im sorry im not her.

but if you tell me what i need to do ill change

ill change to be everything every other girl is and more

i swear i can be better

ill make you happy. pls just tell me how

pls tell me what all those other girls have that i dont.

i can be them. just like them. i swear.

tell me what i can do... to be the only one

because youre my only one. youre my eveything. just let me be yours.

i am officially 5 lbs OVER weight.

im going to go cry off 5 lbs.

kill me. ana ... where did you go??