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| My random thoughts.
I felt like writing again, so here I go.
What I want to understand is human nature: what compels us to do something, and why we do it. How do people end up the way they are? And why do some people seem to be "bad" from the start? I am dismayed at how our culture has deteriorated. People have no respect nowadays, no compassion for others, and people are controlled by extremely selfish and materialistic desires. People cheat, scheme, manipulate, and lie their way around others, taking advantage of one's trust, and preying upon one's weaknesses. I know this guy. He is the epitome of what I consider a guy filled with malice and selfishness, yet so filled with ignorance. His love for himself amazes me because it is something I pity him for. It is important to love oneself, but when someone puts their own value and worth above others, then I realize they are probably one of the most ignorant people I know. Most of us were that way, some of us have realized our mistake, while many still continue to live that life. How can we possibly call ourselves humans if we can not even consider the existence of another equal to the life we have been blessed with? I can not possibly call that human nature. Why do we continuously search for bonds to connect with? Why are some people only able to view bonds in a cost and benefit point of view? How can the life of another only be as significant as the advantages it provides one to improve oneself? Then it simply becomes a burden, an unwanted and irritating nuisance. I don't get it. How can people be so manipulative and indifferent from the start? Do not personify yourself as a victim, fool. Self-love seems to have a way to blind those who are vain, and to create an illusion for them that prosecution exists due to their mere existence.
Do not pretend to take up the cross because you can not possibly carry the burdens of others if you yourself can not carry your own. | | |
| Boys all disappoint me one way or another. But I myself am my own biggest disappointment. ????? | | |
| I realized when my mind is content, I don't feel the yearning to write. I'm just, content. I am content with what I have. I like how I don't need to ask for anything else. I like the simplicity. The ability to feel time being suspended for a few seconds to enjoy a simple moment. And because it is simple, it feels beautiful. Sometimes, I randomly feel tears, and sometimes, randomly things make me want to cry. And even though the thing that I am missing still eludes me, I now feel content. Scared to lose this contentment. This feeling as if everything is okay, finally. That those skeletons in my closet will remain in that forgotten closet. Maybe I am kidding myself, maybe this is just the peak, but it would be nice if things could remain like this for a while. And that those flaws so conspicuously hidden beneath the surfaces will stay hidden, even though they are there, glaring. But, I am content. And sometimes, I forget how just laying down with someone you care about, not speaking, can be a blessing amongst the daily squabbles of life. And I'm happy my friends are my friends. And I'm happy with my relationship. And even though the word 'happy' probably denotes something I do not completely have right now, I feel it seems only correct to assume that it is close to the actual feeling. My life feels beautiful, in its own crumbled way. | | |
| I feel lost.
I feel as if I'm searching for an answer, but it eludes me. I feel as if my frustration extends itself towards the people closest to me. I am always in a rush. I need to be doing something, but I lack the initiative to do it, so I am a paradox, and it irritates me. My last waking thought is a transient hope to figure out what I want. I wake up feeling as if I am missing something in my life. I wake up empty.
Was this what I wanted molded from my life? No. I did not want this negativity to surround me. I did not want to be bitter and cynical regarding everything and everyone in my life. I did not want to be so wary of all the good things in life. I did not want any of that. But it came, and it dominates.
I am able to escape for a while. But when I have a moment to think, it all comes back to me. This life was made for suffering, and I feel as if that's all there is to its base. A world of suffering with moments of foolish but much yearned for contentment.
I've said some mean things to the people I care most about. I want them to forgive me, but I would never say it to them. Why? Because they wouldn't understand why I am saying such a thing. I tend to not like telling people what is wrong with, even if something conspicuously is, because...what's the point? They don't get it. I hardly get it. So that's that. No need to make things more complicated.
I need a ground. | | |
| Goals in my life that I hope and plan to achieve (:
- Finish my undergraduate studies, and I'll go on from there. Don't drop out of college!
- Make enough money to support my family.
- Fundamentally change the world in some otherwise trivial or substantial way.
- Visit Australia once more.
- Get married once, and never divorce. And be happy in this marriage.
- Tip a waiter/waitress $100 dollars randomly.
- Find my happiness.
- Be satisfied with who I am and what I have achieved.
Very short and concise list so far. Of course, I'll find more.
All in all, the ultimate question as of the present time is...
CAL OR UCLA?
Hooray for visiting UCLA today and going to Berkeley from Friday-Sunday. I hope I find the thing I am looking for so that I may settle my agitated mind. | | |
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