Insecurity gets the best of me

How is that I love him so much, and I believe in him, but the minute we aren't texting or talking I feel like we are going to break up?

How can I let some girl, some silly little girl, get inside my head? some girl he doesnt see? some girl he hasnt been dating for over 2 years?

See cause i say he is perfect, and he says no he is perfect for me. I fall asleep in his arms covered by his body, fitting perfectly there and I know its true, but the one day we go without talking I am in tears freaking out wondering if I have wasted two years on something that is falling apart?

Can i keep blaming it on only seeing him once a week? Can I keep up happiness with this rollercoaster of emotions ive been going through?

Why can't I trust? Why am I not sure of myself? Why are his words, and most of his actions, not good enough? He deserves better than that. He didnt betray my trust anymore than i betrayed his i think. He did me wrong, i did him wrong, I take him back, he takes me back. Right? Cause I love him, and he loves me.

The problem is I really cant explain how cut in half I feel when he isnt around, and i dont even have my best friend there to make it all okay when im walking around so incomplete. And when i try to tell him there is nothign i can do. I cant go to Albion, I cant afford I private school, I cant leave the oppurtunity i have been given, i got scholarships here, i went here because it is the cheapest. And I cant make him come to UM and who knows if he can get scholarships here... so here we are stuck for at least 3.5 more years... What now?

But it isnt like we can talk about it when we barely talk and rarely see each other, I want to fill that time with happiness. I wish that I believed in myself enough to know that I am worthy, and he loves me enough to make this work no matter hwo long we are apart, because it isnt really him I dont trust. Its my confidence, I dont feel worthy :(

Everything

Remember when 'everything you want' as my song, cause no matter how much someone was perfect for me it jsut wasnt for me? What if that is my life?

I dont know what Im talking about. I found love and happiness, sometimes I just forget what he sounds like, and sometimes I guess he just forgets to call. I really think I am depressed, and I can only say it here, cause I am almost positive only Jill Margo and Tajalli get on, and if Jimmy knew then I wouldnt care, but it isnt how lifes supposed to be.

College is supposed to be great, but I cry like everyday, and I am not always sure why. The minute I am left alone somewhere i feel like the whole world is falling apart, and the funny thing is that I keep trying to be alone, like maybe I get some sick satisfacton out of it...

nothing to me, and i dont know why

I will always remember...

...the crazy, stupid nights in my garage
...three proms
...driving around for hours, listening to music
...the promises of friends forever that we made, and watching those fall short
...supermaning so many hoes
...going to movie after movie
...laying around, in the sun, in the basement, on stage, in parks, everywhere
...laser-tagging all night
...walking around all day in pajama pants
...Miley Cyrus

...the way you loooked at me last night
...sitting in my car for hours, talking about any and everything
...heroes

...Margo, Effrem, Jimmy, Jill, Annescia, Joe, Josh, Nick, Pookie, Amanda, Tremayne, Fred, Brenna, Karys, Byron, Hallie, Carrie, Mallory, Trissy, Niemah, Anastasia, Lindsay, and all the people who made memories with me

Maybe im lost

but i finally feel found. Like caught up in learning is were we resound.
Filled with the cheer of our own perfect lives.
And Im falling apart in my ideal of perfect.

I want to sleep for hours. I want to shop on a saturday night, or a monday for that matter.
But more than anything i want to freeze time because we have been thrown into a warp and days have disappeared but I don't know where they went. Where will we end in the next few days, when we are already so far away.

Where do we stand?

My Life. NOW!

So I go to school. I come home I do homework. Only not. Three days a week I stay at school until 5 One day I go to Sparrow until 530 I go to work at least 10 hours every week. This is my life. It is non existent. If i could do anything id sleep. Friday i got home from tech I showered and i sleept until 10 Effrem came over, because friday night is 'date night' and we both fell asleep. saturday i volunteered from 10 to 4 and worked from 430 to 1030. then i wanted to die. my body wants me to die. my friends want me to die. i am exhausted and you got it overly emotional. and that will be it until... about may 16th my last ap test, because i realized this is important this is my future and im going to make damn sure its bright. irealize this means i am no fun. i realize this means i dont see anyoone. When i do see people i dont remember how to interact i feel preoccupied with trying to learn and sleep. I have started a fight every day this week with effrem althoguh we only saw each other for a total of about 7 hours, if that.

So im sorry. I am. Because i miss having fun. but i cant really truly apologize because this is what i am finally doing for me. and its good it isnt a boy or a drug it isnt a freakish spiritual movement where i learn to like speak in tongues or join a cult. it isnt my boo or my job. its my life. its my future. its my school. and i really do get a sick pleasure out of it.

Love me. suck it up. and be there for me when i finally stop to take a breath and need ppl to lay around an eat 2 pies, or sliced cheese, or cheesecake, or apple bees. whatever wierd food i associate yo with, because im such a fatty i have a food for every friend :P

i really do love and need you guys