For some reason I feel the need to change absolutely everything, because I'm a new and improved Mandy, and I want to let go of everything old and concentrate on the new.  As stupid as it may at first seem, this xanga needs to go, for reasons maybe only known to myself.  They are reasons to be respected, so don't complain.  The new place where Mandy blurts out thoughts:

http://www.xanga.com/dovewings

Sorry if it's a pain in the butt to change your subscriptions.  It simply must be done.

Much love. Over and out. 

Currently Playing Infiltrate-Destroy-Rebuild By Cky see related

- Close Yet Far - -

I was hoping someone would decide to do something one of these days, but it's pretty okay that I'm alone right now.  I have the whole house to myself.  It's dusky outside, and it's only two o'clock.  It's quiet.  Quiet is good, sometimes.  I have not a single light turned on in the house.  It's strange how everything looks tinted blue, in that certain time of not-dark-yet-not-light.  It's soothing.  Soothing is good.  I wish it would rain.  That would make it perfect, sitting here in a blue hued dusky house with not a sound but my own disturbances.  I love listening to rain.  Pour.

Currently Playing Crashings By Falling Up see related

- Arafax Deep -

Okay just because my last entry was obviously taken the VERY wrong way to some people, I need to clear things up... haha... Number one, I did not cry because he didn't call me.  I'm not a sissy.  Number two, he DID call me, I just wasn't able to answer the phone, because I had no service and I didn't realize it.  He did nothing wrong, and I was in no way upset or mad about it.  Number three, I was crying because I think about the future, and it scares me sometimes, because everything almost got screwed up before and I never want it to happen again.  We went through a terrible time, and the full realization of what could have happened hit me, and now I'm just scared sometimes.  One first semester of college is bad enough, let alone having to go through it twice.  The end.

Ugh.  I do not know what is wrong with me lately.  I'm so stupidly scared.  I shouldn't be, but I am.  When you care so deeply about something that it becomes a part of yourself, the mere thought of it ever being taken from you hurts as badly as the thought of half of your heart being ripped out.  Scratch that, rip the whole thing out, and that's not even half as bad as it would hurt.

I had a scared episode on the way to my house tonight after spending a WONDERFULLY fun day with Ty, and I convinced him to call my cell to say goodnight to me just so I would feel better.  I was laying on the couch waiting for him to call and I realized at 11:15ish that it said I had a voicemail.  I didn't even have my VM set up.... so I ran up to my room, got the instructions, read them, my dad was on the computer so I ran to the basement to use my brothers... I needed my serial number... ran up to my room, ran back down, realized I needed my number... ran up to my room, got my number, ran back down... tried to set up my VM, but had no service (which is probably why my phone didn't ring in the first place)... ran around the house trying a million times until I got it set up successfully... listened to the message from Ty, sat around and moped hoping he would call back... eventually at 11:40 or something I text messaged Scott and told him to tell me to call me back... Scott sends me a message back saying he went to bed, and what do I do?  I burst into tears like a moron.  And I sit on my butt in the 50 degree basement and cry for a while.  Because I am a moron, as stated previously.

I'm scared, and I want Ty with me.  I want him with me now, I want him with me at college, and I want to have him with me for the next million years.  I don't think that's too greedy.  Maybe it is.  But that's how I feel.  I'm not going to lie, next year terrifies me.

I love him so much.  And I want a hug.