halllelujah, christmas break is here!

so obviously, i am a very happy girl. now all that's left is a week of babysitting over night, a few days to finish the christmas shopping and then it's CHRISTMAS !!

Jackson turns 2 years old dec. 17th. unbelievable that he's that old already. as i sit here right now, he's in his room singing "rain, rain go away" at the top of his lil baby lungs. too stinking cute, i tell you.
i can't imagine the way i'll feel if i am one day blessed with children of my own. i am so in awe of the lil person jackson has become - - and i'm just his babysitter!

ok. it's been exactly a year since i moved home from Rome. i have a few thoughts about the situation as i think back over the past year.
it's crazy how easy it is for me to vividly re-live that emotional experience. I can remember how seriously depressed and sad I was. I can remember the sadness that loomed over my life once I was living back at home. But you know what? I wanted to wallow in pain. I walked around for about half a year with a "Woe is ME" attitude, wearing an "I feel sorry for myself" t-shirt day-in and day-out.
certainly it was extremely difficult to leave my friends and embark on a new chapter of life that wasn't what i had originally envisioned for myself. those emotions were seriously genuine. I was going to miss my 'independence', my roommates, my friends, being in a relationship with someone who was a best friend and who lived seconds away from me. But you know what? there is a way to miss something without having to tear your cloak and pour ashes on your head every day. There is a way to "move on" without forgetting how much something means to you. You don't diminish the pain experienced if you allow healing to occur.
"Letting go" of a situation that severely brought you pain is not a sign that u never cared in the first place. "Letting go" does not mean you no longer value the situation that brought you such joy. When something hurts you - even a little bit - you get a 'boo-boo'. You're probably going to bleed a little bit. Maybe a lot. you cannot ignore the wound - you must put the bandaid on, maybe even a little neosporin. And then of course, some time is required for healing to occur.
You kno what'll happen if you intentionally leave off the band-aid? or even worse - if you constantly pick at the 'boo-boo' and make it bleed again? DUH - the more you pick at the scab, the less healing occurs.
Wallowing in my sorrow of moving back home - continually whining and refusing to look for happiness in my new situation (no matter how difficult), I was consciously trying to keep bleeding. I can't even begin to count the ways I was feeling sorry for myself. or the nights i spent in tears.
So let's see... yes, it is very beneficial to deal with the reality of pain when you are grieving a change or a loss of relationship(s). Pretending it isn't real isn't wise. but choosing to deny healing by re-living the pain every day is extremely harmful to you and those who care about you.
Even after healing occurs - there will be a scar. You will never forget the experience. But to experience life at its fullest, you can't be walking around with open wounds that you refuse to let go of and allow them to scab and allow the skin underneath to be healed.

Phew. what a long, drawn out way to say - I have a scar. It sucked to move away from Rome. But you know what? Once I finally let go of the desire to bleed over my 'losses', I have been able to truly accept life and find joy all around. I'm no longer constantly pre-occupied by making sure I'm feeling sorry for myself.
The forgiving process is similar, I believe.

"Let go" does not = forget.
"Forgive and forget" is probably not humanly possible.

But each requires allowance of change. Moving on and forgiving someone is admission that "I relinquish control". When we hold on to situations - hold on to forgiveness - we are showing our fear of the unknown. As long as we have self-pity or as long as we can hold a grudge, we can protect ourselves from whatever else may cause us pain or whatever other scary emotions we may encounter. Because you wake up each day knowing you'll feel hurt or knowing you'll be holding a grudge.
Well, that's right.
But then? you'll also know that you won't experience true happiness. true excitement. true freedom.
You build a fortress to keep out the bad, more than likely, you are also keeping out some good. That doesn't mean to let down your guard! "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
But let go of your pain. Forgive the person you "can't" forgive.
If you "can't do it", I bet you can think of Someone who is the author of forgiveness. Earnestly pray that He will show you the way to share his pure forgiveness with someone else.
The person who will be most grateful if you will allow healing in your life?
You.
I can most definitely assure you of that.