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| Psalm 86:1 "Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy."Nineteen days until my last day in Southern California.
Eighteen days until I have to pay UC Berkeley.
A week ago, I was extremely excited to find that I was pre-approved for a loan. With my mom as my cosigner, I thought everything would run smoothly. Of course, I thought wrong. They need proof of legal presence, which I obviously don't have. The loan will not push through, which leaves us with what money to pay for college?
I am scared to death that my dreams of going to Cal is going to fade away. I worked so hard for this, and I've been too excited for too long of a time.
And it doesn't help that my dad is like a broken record. "You should have just enrolled in UCLA."
Yes, I could have saved a few thousand dollars. But I dream big. And I don't want to settle for anything less. Berkeley has been my dream. It always has been, and always will be. Everyone who knows me knows that!
AND TO THINK THAT I CANNOT GO BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF MONEY SCARES ME.
To experience the fulfillment of filling out that application with A's across the board, the feeling of accomplishment after writing a very moving personal statement, and feeling the rush of excitement as I stared at that computer screen to find out that I was accepted to the number one public university in the world...
To turn down the other great schools I got accepted into, to accept Berkeley's offer (after a lot of consideration between Berkeley and UCLA), and to, little by little, check off the requirements post acceptance...
To go through all that and be faced with this... is a shame.
The past few hours, I've been looking for alternatives. Different private loans. They require the same thing. And my parents are not willing to take out a regular loan because there's no deferment option, which would allow me to pay the debt six months after I graduate as opposed to paying while I'm in school.
I've been searching: financial aid for undocumented students, private loans for illegal students, student loans for nonresidents. And they all lead me to the same thing... to articles about how undocumented students cannot receive government funding and how they just get stuck.
I've read stories of bright undocumented students. Valedictorians, class presidents, geniuses. They all share the same fate: accepted to great universities, but didn't have the money to pay for the expenses. And it really just breaks my heart.
And I can't do anything about this. I don't know what to do... my parents don't know what to do. No one knows how to help.
I'm so scared. =/
I say let go and let God. But what if He's keeping me here?
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| "nothings lasts forever"
It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you, but I'm letting go
It may not last, but I don't know
Just don't know
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And I show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you
Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest, babe
It hurts, but it may be the only way
A babe that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all he makes
The ditch between us so damn deep
Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won't fall down while I'm asleep
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And I show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe
Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest, babe
It hurts, but it may be the only way
But we have not hit the ground
Doesn't mean we're not still falling, oh
I want for mine to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains
Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest, babe
It hurts, but it may be the only way
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| crashing downi was doing so well.
then i heard your voice and i came crashing down.
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| kuyaThink about one person throughout your 12+ years of schooling who has had the greatest positive impact on you. Describe him/her, and why?
I believe that my older brother has had the greatest positive impact on me throughout my 12+ years of schooling. My brother probably doesn't know this, nor will he ever find out, but it's because of him that I aim for higher goals. Although I may not be able to reach those goals sometimes, I set my goals because my brother has taught me how. He is a very intelligent and responsible young man who can get any job done, to the best of his ability. That's another great quality my brother has.
My brother will never do things halfway or because he's been bugged to do something. Instead, he'll do his job whole-heartedly and with quality. My parents are proud of him, as am I. He was recently accepted to UCLA, UCSD, UCI, and Berkeley. Beginning next fall, I believe my brother will be attending Berkeley, majoring in Mass Communications. My brother strives for nothing below the best. Mediocrity is nonexistent in his world.
_______
ivan wrote that.
i've been hanging out in his room for the past week since my aunt from hawaii is staying in my room. it's 2:14 right now; he's fast asleep just a few feet away. i saw this assignment on his table. i was really touched, so i thought i'd share it with you guys. (don't tell him i read it!)
sometimes i don't think i set a good example for my siblings. sometimes i don't think they care. reading this was good. it's good to know that my brother thinks of me.
at times, i really feel like i cast a shadow over him. i'm the "over achiever" and he's the "lazy one." i feel really bad cause my parents are always comparing my straight A's with is almost straight F's. i KNOW my brother is smart. i know he can do better. i just wish there was something i could do to help him be more passionate about school, about our family... about life in general.
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| i've been robbed.last sunday, while the whole family was in church, our house got broken into.
my computer, my ipod, my videocam. gone gone gone.
my watches, my bottles of cologne.
my dad's laptop, my dad's ipod, my mom's vintage cameras.
the playstation 3.
gone gone gone.
walking into our house and seeing it trashed was a shocker. i felt SO violated. the thought of strangers going through my personal belongings sickens me. my room was completely trashed. every drawer was opened. my closet was raided. every corner was searched.
i'm just thankful that no one was home, that no one was hurt.
i know things can be replaceable. but dangit! my whole life is in that computer and in my ipod!
ALL my pictures are gone. personal journal entries. poems and love letters. EXes. secret dates. my MEMORIES!
AND MY MUSIC. just when i was developing my own taste in music (and jed makes fun of me for getting all excited about all things indie), the music disappears! eh... more hype machine for me then!
thank you for keeping my family in your thoughts and in your prayers.
kuya mark, pauline, joanna, sandra, maya, joseph, jasmin, tony and mark for the calls/text messages.
thanks jed for donating your computer to me.
and thank you jon for letting me borrow your monitor.
and for jon and verna for keeping us company and entertained that day.
i have great friends. and no one can steal them away from my kung fu grip!
too many things are being stripped away from me.
but i'm gonna be strong.
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