yournewbeginning's Xanga

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 03:49:03 GMT

happy.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 03:24:09 GMT

10, yes 10, Updates.

1. I'm tired of the shit I put up with living in this house.

2. I'm gauging my cartilage bigger, again.

3. Summer is going toooo fast... but i'm having a blast.

4. My subwoofer died in my car.. which means that I have to put more money towards a new one.

5. A weird change has happened in my 'friends' department.. an unexpected change.

6. Paramore > You.

7. I can now successfully type paragraphs with my eyes closed.. oh yeah, and numbers too.

8. I'm going to start running again, 3 miles a day, at least.

9. I'm really sick and tired of guys' mind games. Oh yeah, and assholes, cause apparently alot of guys are assholes, i'm learning.

10. I'm a gangster. no lie.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 15:24:50 GMT

So I just spent 1,400 dollars on my system for my kia.

...fuck.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 16:00:38 GMT

(( This summer is going very well. ))

Most everyday is spent with my best friend, Sara. She is, honestly, amazing. I can tell her anything, and I know that she has my best interests at heart. We have the best of times, better than I've had in a while. I know that she always has my back, and she knows that I have hers. I'm so glad that I have someone right now that I can turn to when I need someone to talk to. Sara, I love you.

On another note, I have lost a friend that needed to go long ago. She is the worst person, I think I have ever met, hands down. She brought me down during the school year, and made me a bad person as well. I fully take some of the blame, but in all honesty I was just trying to impress her. I finally stood up for myself and took a stand, and put her in her place. Im not going to hide my feelings anymore from you, so here, just in case you missed it the first time: Ashlie, I honestly hope that you realize that you have no friends anymore, you push everyone away with your godamn hurtful personality. You hurt me so much this past year, yet I was too stupid to realize it. I do now, and I never want to speak or associate with you ever again. I just hope that you grow the fuck up.

I want to escape sometimes

From the drama, from the pain. Want to come with me?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Sat, 20 May 2006 12:50:46 GMT

I'm sure I can make it on my own.

A years gone by now. And it still feels like yesterday. I'm the one that fucked things up.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Sun, 07 May 2006 18:51:13 GMT

I don't update this much.

I lost my parents trust again. I keep doing shit and messing it up. My parents are on the verge of making me move in with my dad in Harrisburg. I would do anything to keep that from happening. This was the same kind of stunt I pulled just about a year ago. This one's a little more severe yet they aren't as suprised as they were last time. They aren't as hurt. I need to stop hurting them. The words said by my mother to me that night...words that have been burned forever in my skull: "Lying while confessing your lies." I don't quite like who I've become.

Don't get me wrong. I am not a bad person. I get fairly good grades- 4.3 gpa. Some would kill for that gpa. I don't get in trouble with the law. I am not addicted to pain killers, cigs, pot, or anything worse. I don't sneak around my parents back every friday and saturday nights, I do have a job (for over a year now- same place), I respect authority -whether it be teachers, other students, parents, relatives, police, etc., I am a loving person and would do anything for someone I loved.. You see... It's just I don't like how easily it has become for me to lie. To lie to the only people in this world that would literally take a bullet for me. I want to be the little angel that I used to be. Yet, I don't want to give up the fun that I have been having this past year. I have made this year literally the best one of my life, and I don't want to make next year lame and un-fun. I just can't hurt them anymore. I had so much respect..so much trust. They would let me do anything, anytime, and just trust that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself physically or emotionally. Yet, I screwed that up with Lance. I tried to go behind their backs, and got caught. Then I lost everything. Everything I owned. Finally, I got that back in the beginning of the school year, along with some of their trust. Now, Its gone again. I don't know what to do.

I need to stop acting like this is who I am. I need to stop and think. I need to firstly prioratize my life, my schoolwork. Then I need to realize who my real friends are. I do believe that my true friends consist of only a few...And I hope that I can consider you one of them. I need someone now, more than ever. Someone that's got my back, and can help me pull through this hard time.

I think I've realized something about myself this weekend. I think that I am not being myself. Maybe its that I put on a face when I am around different people. When I'm with one friend I am completely different than when I am with a another, different friend. I don't know why either. One thing is for sure, when I am around this one person I am myself. I am completely the way I want to be, and I don't act like I'm something I'm not. All the cards are on the table. And it seems to work out.

This ones for you. Yes, you.
Thank you,
For showing me who I can be. Showing me that I don't have to be something I'm not. That I dont have to try hard, or act different. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for trying. Thank you for understanding. You deserve better. j.

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints."

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 03:43:24 GMT

Life is actually going my way...

....for once.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 20:00:19 GMT

So...I got busted for the whole wrestling match thing...I don't know. I guess all in all it wasnt that bad.. At least I had a good time to make up for the consequences..

yeah...I had a good day. Except for the getting busted and getting dhall...oh, and my parents losing trust in me...that I JUST got back...but, oh well. So..I shall be gone for a while...leave some comments... :)

Friday, March 03, 2006

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 02:29:22 GMT

I'm losing myself.

I dont' know quite what else to say other than that. I am tired of these games people like to play with me. I'm done, I'm cashing in. I look around and realize who all of my real friends are. And I realize how none of them know how messed up I actually am. In these past few months I have somehow lost all of the meaning behind everything I do..and I don't know how to get that back. If I had faith, I would say that I lost it. If I had priorites, I would say that I lost them. If I had love, I would say that I lost it. I need a moment. A moment to show me what I've lost, and what I will continue to lose if I keep hiding under these covers...If I keep turning away from my friends, and keeping these feelings and thoughts only to myself. People have made me so confused, so misunderstood. They think that they can toy with my emotions. I have let people play their game, but now I am done. I just need 'a someone' to lean on, a shoulder to cry on.

I don't want my heart broken.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:38:39 GMT