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yoursawissy
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Name: Stephanie
Country: United States
State: Oklahoma
Metro: Edmond
Gender: Female
Interests: I enjoy David.. and sleeping.. and David's lips.. and David.. and getting into college.. David.. yeah.. spending time with David... David.. David.. maybe.. some more David.. if you didn't notice.. David..
mmmmm David!
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Your Sawissy
MSN: chrissys_sissy@hotmail.com
Member Since:
8/5/2003
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| Happy Birthday to me!!! =DMost would probably assume that moving out into an apartment would be no big deal. Especially with the way my mother and I were. However, it is not going as smoothly as expected. I mean, sure, everything is going smooth in that: we moved in, electric/utilities/cable are set up, everything is essentially fine, we went grocery shopping today, and my room mate and I get along fine. Well.. our AC/Heater is on the fritz but oh well. I miss my dog. This middle of the semester relocating thing just MIGHT not have been the smartest move on my part.. well, at least not the easiest. But hey, at least I am continuing on in my own tradition, right? =P I am going to be 19 in two days. Okay, so that is definitely not some "big number" people look forward to. I really am just waiting for it to pass. Hopefully make it through this next week without any phone calls from relatives, particularly the grandmother. And hopefully her package sitting at my mother's place contains nothing from him. Also, I hope he does not plan on somehow finding something to make it's way to me. I am concerned he might insist on being a family again.. I know my mother would never do that.. I mean, hell, they are forbidden by law to be around each other, but I still worry. I do not mind contact, especially if it gives me a chance to toss a piece of my mind his way; however, I do not want any attempts at apology, or being a "father", or any kind of crap like that. (I usually do not think about this on a regular basis and I apologize.) I suppose it is just on certain days: the day I was taken, the day they divorced/he went to prison, my birthday, his birthday. My theory is that it comes up in my head as time passes. Because on good behavior, which would constitute parole, when I turn 19, he is more than half-way to being out. Three more years. When I think about him being more than half-way there, I think about that "more than half-way" and the time that passed to bring it to that point. I remember May 28. I think about my years since then. Not much time has passed. It's gone by so quickly. And a small part of me is scared deep down that my short time of freedom from him in my life is almost over.. more than halfway over. And I cannot, for the life of me, understand why any of my extended family does not realize this. Because yes, these past almost 4 or 4 1/2 years have been freedom for me, an escape from a reality that has haunted me since I was three. (Oh, yes, I understand there are restraining orders for these type of situations. But I feel I never knew what to say, nor had the balls to say anything then, and maybe, just maybe, if I was forced to talk to him, I could say the things that would shut him down. I imagine saying the things that he could not argue against and putting him in his place, now that I have grown into someone who can defend herself.) I often wonder if I am only in a dream, a fantasy world, soon to be awakened by a pinch to the reality that has always been. I will admit, I have grown immensly in the past 4 or 4 1/2 years. But sometimes I wonder if stunting my own growth would have been better. Freezing time maybe. Either way, when I turn 19 this Tuesday, it will only be closer to his physical release and my mental/emotional imprisonment. | | |
| So I wonder if anyone actually reads this anymore now that MySpace and Facebook have taken over. Maybe that's a good thing.. | | |
| Footprints left in the only acceptable place to leave them. Maybe that's the new way around. | | |
| Just trying to find the flow of things..I got adjusted at the chiropractor for the first time today. I also saw X-rays of my spine. No surprises there. On the one of my hips and lower back, it was curved to the right. On the one of the sideways view of my lower back and tail bone, apparently it is curved too much. I feel really weird after the adjustment. I started going numb in my car right after it. I think it will just take time to get used to. Kind of seems like everything else..
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| So.. I think it is about time to update. First of all, I am sitting in my car in the parking lot of my apartment building next to an apartment where I found out I could get online because the network is not secured/locked/whatever. Pathetic, I know, but get over it.
Yeah.. so college is fine. Mostly just annoyed at my own involvement in the music program and being at UCO into the afternoon. Fridays are my good days.. one class. Some people are interesting.. we'll just leave it at that folks.
This sounds extremely weird. But I cannot get a hold of my guy friends.. by this I mean BJ, Jeff, Ty. I mean.. well, I can get a hold of them. I don't know. I have not hung out with them in so long. It seems difficult to plan things. BJ is with Addie(sp?), Ty is with Nicole, and Jeff is at work. So it appears they have all found better things to fill their spare time with. I don't know. Partly it is my own fault. I suppose I am just bitter at my own state of being. It is hard. I mean, it is completely fine. And if this is how things are supposed to be then fine. I just feel really stupid saying that. I have never usually been one to sit around and let my life lead me. I am used to leading my life. Oh well. There is a first for everything.
I got attacked today for saying one little thing. I think it is awesome he is so protective of that he loves, but I didn't mean ANYthing by it! It hurt really bad. I just felt so isolated and immediately shoved away from him. I feel so alone in this situation. Like no one can see what I am looking in on but me. I love them and they are freaking awesome people. I wasn't even saying anything direct, just brought up a possible situation and it was suddenly like Super<insert name>, protector of his whole freaking family, and I was the villain(sp?) like RottenStephanie, attacker of everything loved, holy, and meaningful in life.. or something like that. Whatever. I just.. I do not know what I am supposed to do sometimes. Just sit here, smile and nod to everything and attempt to look pretty, I suppose. Because somehow it is all so perfect and I am psycho for saying anything that would make it seem less than perfection. I care but it doesn't even matter. I am so tired of this. I feel like I am the only one who sits there and is just like, "Yeah.. okay, did that actually happen?" "Did they seriously say that?" I mean.. I love them and they are so nice. But I guess that means I have to ignore the bad parts of people and praise the great parts. Some might define love that way, but I don't. I would expect some who loves me to try to help me understand my shortcomings so that I can if not grow from them, at least acknowledge them at the moment to take into consideration. I do not even feel like I do that all the time! It is not like I sit there and tell those that I love what confuses me about them or a negative characteristic. I just.. ugh. Why continue to live with disfunction if it can be helped??? I can't even say one thing anymore. It was just a suggestion of a possible situation that could arise, not even a direct thing. Well, this is RottenStephanie ending this rant.
I think maybe I am just off. Like, different in a very different way that must just insult people. Adios. | | |
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