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ytuaebelpmis
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Name: Amanda
Gender: Female
Interests: Enjoying life and all it has to offer. I love God and I attempt to serve Him the best way I possibly can. Reading, being with friends and family (game nights!), watching musicals, being in musicals, acting,singing,dancing, loving people, caring for people, listening to people, being a nerd, having people laugh at me, making videos of my friends and family, taking pictures, going to museums,art shows,concerts,etc. Supporting the Texas Rangers,playing soccer, watching Orlando Bloom movies. At UTA I am involved in the BSM, the Leadership Academy, UTA Volunteers, and the Honor's College. I am also a member of the Women's Soccer Team.
Expertise: Making my friends laugh. (Hopefully it's because of what I say, not how I look) Singing every word to my favorite musicals, annoying the heck outta my friends and family, drama (as in the theatre, not the soap opera.)
I'm sure I am an expert at many other important things, but I can't think of any at the moment.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
10/24/2005
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| A year ago today.A year ago today, I wrote this post on xanga: I'm sorry.I'm sorry. I confess that I am sometimes a little too melodramatic. Someone close to me always says that you should keep private things private, namely, your bad moods and upset times. I'm sorry for my last post. Erin wrote this, but my heart is in it as well: "Love seems to also be like this: with one hand you give them your heart, with the other you give them knives, pins, darts, and the full power to hurt you." I have about four knives in me from the past few days. I do not understand how someone could say "I love you" and still be capable of... ... I was such a different person then. I do not know why I lent my heart and mind so willingly to someone who never truly cared about it in the first place. They wanted me to be fake. They wanted me to lie to myself and to others about what I thought and felt. They wanted me to carry my burdens by myself, and not receive help from friends or family. I was to carry the weight "of the world" by myself. I now realize that I do not have to do that. I do not have to lie. I do not have to be fake. I can be myself. I can be me with my loves, my hates, my happy feelings, and my sad feelings. Why not show my true side? Why pretend to be happy all the time? Why pretend to be perfect? I'm not perfect. I'm not happy all the time. But nor am I terrrible. I may not be perfect, but I am not terrible either. But nor am I sad. I may not be happy all the time, but I am not sad all the time either. I am free this year, on this day. I am me. And as to that quote: I still love it. And I still identify with it, but in a different way. In one hand you do seem to hand them your heart, and in the other, you do hand them knives, darts, and the power to hurt you... but if they truly love you, they will not try to hurt you. If they go out of their way to hurt you, or make you feel bad about yourself, or put you down, it is not love. Love is patient and kind. Not rude and self centered. Be careful who you hand your heart out to. That's what I've learned since last year. | | |
| Missing: What's been on my mind todayMissing someone is an odd feeling. They walk from the room, and you wonder where they went. You spend all day with a person, and then as they walk away, your heart feels sick. You see their back from 100 yards away, and all you want to do is run as fast as you can to catch up with them, and then once you reach them, turn around, and just pray they ask to spend the rest of their life with you. You beg and plead and pray (all in your head of course) for them to love you as much as you have come to love them. Sometimes, you feel it. You know they feel for you the same way. You can see it in their eyes, feel it in their touch, hear it in their voice. You can feel their breath upon your skin although you are miles away. All you want is for them to look at you one more time. Give you one more hint. Tell you one more story. Smile at you one second longer. You yearn for that second. You long for that sound of laughter. All you want is their love in return. They don't have to give you another thing. All you want is them. You look for ways of making them happy. You forget yourself, though not completely, because in wanting them, and receiving their love in return, you are giving yourself the ultimate gift. They leave. And you are heartbroken. All you can think about is the next time you will see them. And you go on missing them up until the second you see them. And if they are not available at that second for you to run up and grab them, you go on missing even after they are with you. Missing someone is an odd feeling. And it never seems to go away. | | |
| I've grown up quite alot.Looking back over xanga posts from years past, I've realized something: I've grown up quite a lot. Life has changed. It is constantly changing. Circumstances change. People change. Opinions change. But one thing remains the same: Jesus Christ, my Savior and Lord. I have put myself through a lot these past couple of years. I've gotten into some nasty friendships, relationships, and situations that I never want to go back to. Through public and private posts, I've seen all the crap I've put myself through. I've let my emotions and feelings get the best of me. I've torn myself down for things that were not my fault. But... it is my fault for letting those things bring me down.
I've been struggling with some friendships lately. I am torn between holding on, or letting go. I need to trust God to show me which way to go. I fear that I am holding on too tightly to something that just isn't there to begin with. Maybe if I let go now, I can save myself from getting hurt in the future. If I stay far enough away, it will not hurt me when they move on and leave me.
Since beginning at UTA, I've learned so much about what it means to be independent. I've learned how to stay in a big house by myself for a week or so. I've learned how to buy groceries, and wash my own clothes. I've learned how to plan parties for large groups of friends, and how to drive to Dallas by myself at night. I've learned that I can manage my time so that I can write a 5 page paper during the day, and go swing dancing at night. I've learned how to manage friendships so that I can give equal time to all my friends, and still have positive, "real" relationships with each one. I've learned what it means to truly care so much for another person that I have forgotten my own wants and am only in tune to their needs.
FMT and UTA. I didn't realize how big a deal those two worlds are to me till lately. FMT and UTA are now my life. And now that Hillary and Grant have become good friends with Connor and Michael, life is so....something. My two lives have intersected. FMT friends are now friends with UTA friends. We all hang out together. Both sets of friends go swing dancing, have movie nights, and even hang out at each other's dorms now. It was a truly amazing feeling watching Connor sit at a table with Stephen, Jenny, Esther, Rachel, Jill, John, and Lacie. Another odd/wonderful moment: watching Michael, Jonathan, and Connor with drills in their hands, helping build the set for Little Women, right alongside David Johns, and Dr. Germany. Just thinking about it makes my head spin.
I am growing up.... And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
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| Little Women opens tonight.I am so tired. :( I need sleep. I fell asleep in Brit Lit today. And I fell asleep on the couch in the upper level UC. And I almost fell asleep at the wheel while driving home. And I'm going to bed now so I don't fall asleep in my classes tomorrow. (Thank goodness my first class isn't until 10!) Oh, and by the way, I love my life. Just so you know. :) Oh, and by the way, Little Women is fantastic. Seriously now. Oh, and by the way, swing dancing = the love of my life. Oh, and by the way, God is amazing, and as a friend reminded me today "He always has a perfect plan in store for us. I'm just an idiot and I can't see it right now." Oh, and by the way, I can't wait for spring break(s) to start. | | |
| It's not so bad....- At the house with Connor and David. Aka Turbo/Teddy and Pullig/David C. Pullig.
- Going to go over to Michael's apartment in an hour.
- Hillary and Michael were at the house till 1:30/1:45 last night.
- I went to Michael Johns dedication yesterday morning.
- Then to the Germany's house with Samuel, Brandon, Hillary, Mrs. Germany, Dr. Germany, and Dee.
- Went to Redeemer with Hillary, Ian, Susanna, Matthew, Stephen, and Michael Wade.
- Went to White Rock Coffee with Matthew and Hillary.
- Went home with Hillary (my house.)
- Connor came over.
- Michael came over.
- They left.
- I went to sleep.
- I'm tired.
- I have 2 papers to write tonight.
- Connor is going west coasting tonight. I haven't decided whether I am going or not.
- There is a creepy guy in my intermediate swing class. He started out really nice, but now he has gotten a little too friendly if you know what I mean. He has been doing some really not cool things.
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