I love smiling for no freakin' reason.

"Mistakes, obviously, show us what needs improving.  Without mistakes, how would we know what we had to work on?"

                         -Peter McWilliams

"Good judgement comes from experience,experience comes from bad judgement"

                           -Mark Twain

    It's been said before.  Nobody's perfect.  We all make mistakes.  Well, I made a huge one.  I made a bad decision.  No matter how much I told myself It was wrong, and against my own better judgement, I still did it.  And I'm ashamed.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  All at my self.  I acted selfishly.  I acted without thinking of the consequences.  I acted without thinking of the people who I would ultimately affect by my actions.  I don't want to say I was happy that it all happened, but in the back of my mind I want to say that I'm a little bit relieved.  Without being caught I would have continued to do it.  But getting caught at the same time has opened my eyes and ears.  I know this is God telling me to stop and what I need to do.  I've been praying to God prior to all this "God, please help me become a better person, please show me how I can put everything in my life into perspective, help me change, I don't want to be like this anymore."  And I feel whole heartedly that this is God answering my prayers.  This situation alone has put so many things in my life that I've been wanting to change into clear view.  Now it's just up to me to take advantage of this new sight.

I am selfish.

Yes.  I can finally come to grips with myself and say it out loud.  I am selfish.  No, this is not me saying it proudly.  I'm ashamed of it.  I'm embarrassed.  I...am...selfish.  I only think for my self.  I don't think of how my actions will ultimately affect the ones that mean the most to me.  What even makes me more angry at myself it that I never tried to change my selfish ways. 

I am ungrateful.

How can I be so ungrateful?  I am blessed so much.  I have been blessed even though I don't deserve the things I have been blessed with.  I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear, a full stomach everyday, I am able to go to school, I even have a car. I even have the things I don't need. You even have an amazing group of family and friends behind you.  Despite putting them through so much trouble, they still love you.  They're still here for you.   But still, I am unsatisfied.  I still want more.  I want more of what I don't need.  For what?  To look nice?  To be fly?  Ian, you don't need that.  You have so much and more to be thankful for. Not many people in this world are as blessed as you Ian.  Yet you are never thankful.  Never grateful.  For this, I am truly sorry.

I am unworthy.

To God, and my parents, I am so unworthy to be your son.  To my brothers, I am unworthy to be your "kuya".  To my friends, I am unworthy to have your love. 

My parents.  You started from nothing.  This alone makes me want to cry right now.  But even through all the hardships you've been through, you've always have been able to provide your children with the things that they needed, and didn't need.  You've managed to raise 3 boys,  instill within them values and knowledge that will bring them far in this world.  You've managed to provide them with the things that they ask for, even if they don't need it.  You always show so much love, yet one of your children, despite what you have taught him, made a wrong choice.  I know right now you're very disappointed in me, and I know I've lost much of your trust. 

My brothers.  I know that I should be a positive role model to you guys...but I've failed you guys in so many ways.  We used to be real close, but now I feel we've been drifting away since I've left for college.  I'm supposed to be looking out for you guys, but being the selfish person that I am, I never really did.  If you two knew just how sorry I was for being such a bad kuya...I hope we can get close again.

My friends.  Many of you have become my second family.  I feel comfortable being myself around all of you,  and I know many of you feel the same way.  I've become really close with a few, and I wouldn't trade those friendships for anything in this world.  I can tell you guys anything and I know you won't judge me.  But at the same time I've failed many of you.  You've been there for me, supporting me, even now, but yet for many of you, I haven't been there for you.  I've failed to be there, while you all were always there for me.

I am weak.

I am weak.  I am weak.  I lack the strength to do what is right, to go against what everyone else thinks.  I  mind is weak.  My heart is weak.  I'm easily swayed, and lack the will to stand up for what I believe in.  My heart easily gives in to to the slightest emotion.  But I will become stronger.  I will stand strong.  I need to take this time to search for that strength, to find it within myself.

These are just the major things I realized during this situation of mine.  I want to change.  And I will.  God has given me a chance to change into a better person, and I will seize the opportunity.  This summer will be one of change, so when the time has come, what you will find is someone who has made a mistake and learned a hard lesson, and has bettered themselves into someone worthy to be called a son, a brother, and a friend.

  Passion once known

like the subtle water drops, to a pedal of rose.
for i am a wilted petal, yet nobody knows.
the beauty indeed, remains in the same.
though i am alone, i no longer remain.

i fell stray from the stem, the pedals, and dew.
suffocation from air, from light, and from you.
a dwindling rose with only one breath to breathe.
a heart minus love is most certain to seethe.

on the window sill crack, i there sit, i there lay.
alone with my thoughts, and not much left to say.
for all that i am, is no longer what were.
i am no longer a rose, when i am without her.

- Vince Lacsamana