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yuMmiBLuEeBeRriE
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Name: Cindy
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Birthday: 1/11/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Trying things never done before. Life is one huge experience, and i try to enjoy it. While at the same time trying to stay within the perameters of Christianity. It is no easy task.
Expertise: Bein beyond Gay....no, i'm not jokin.
Message: message me
AIM:  yuMmiBLuEeBeRri
Member Since:
7/17/2003
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| Feel it in my bonesToday is going to be a good day. I can feel it in my bones...how u ask? I heard a bird this morning. I woke up...tired and a little exhausted. I had closed my eyes dreaming into fantasy that stress, worries, and emotions would just stay in that hour. The hour that i drifted off, but no, it was one of those mornings that everything blue and black from yesterday still follows you into the morning. I woke up, still just as tired. Just as unhappy, and possibly more stressed as the idea of tests and the weekend popped first into my mind. *beep beep beep* 'damn that alarm, it's so annoying. But i should wake up, i have accounting class. I need to print notes. then i need to study all day, but stress about fashion show? and Maasu? and next week...i have to go to a so many things? five more minutes? no...i don't have time' yet the first thing i reach for is my computer. My beloved computer...where i spend hours whether i'm facebooking, xangaing, aiming, youtubing. They've all become verbs, actions...when in reality there is no action at all. All it becomes is sitting on your fat ass watching a moniter and the most motion you get is through your fingertips. Sad, right? But here i am still doing it. I got online, and finished my quiz. And i felt it in my bones. I need to write. I need to let out something, cuz i can't keep this bottled in anymore. It's a wierd ache in my joints, my elbows, knees and hips that won't let me stop. Let it flow out, from the tip of my head to my toes and back to my fingertips. Finally, i find that release. The stress is gone. well, not gone per say....but not with me anymore. It becomes a literal painting, that i have scripted out with a bunch of little keys. It's a mural that i put up for whoever to come and interpret. How i enjoy this writing, although sometimes it is utterly nonsensical...it makes sense for me. My broken poetry, and broken thoughts, and choppy grammar. I do it for myself, whenever i feel it in my bones. I heard a bird today. | | |
| Life's about mistakes?Talked to someone about mistakes today. I try not to make mistakes. That's not that wierd, is it? Who goes into life, telling themselves that they want to make mistakes and fail. At the same time, the extreme can't be good can it. To never allow yourself the chance to make a mistake, because that's what i've been doing for the first 20 years of my life. I can't risk a lot of things, because of my own fear of the unknown, the answer, about the final regrets. I used to think that i lived by the motto, "regret what you've done, not what you haven't". But i see it now, i haven't allowed myself the chance to do anything. Take a risk, dive in. I'm trying..... anonymous: i think i'm falling deep anonymous: and i cant stop myself It's really funny, that he or she said that. The only response i had was that i have never fallen at all. I never allowed myself to fall, to stumble or trip. It's the same thing over and over again. I can never seem to climb this hurdle. I'll admit it, i'm scared to be weak. Being weak, means being vulnerable. There are things that i can't show people, that i force myself to hide. So, i'll finally admit it. I'm scared of falling because i'm scared that i won't be able to get up again.
One a sidenote, i figured out the best way to stop stressing about things in your own life, is to listen to someone elses. It's strange how their worries will clear yours away, if only for five minutes. | | |
| Here's the thing about aim...Here's the thing about aim that i noticed. Isn't it funny, how instead of face to face encounters...it's the easiest to get to know someone over aim? It used to be that meeting someone over the internet was a wierd deal, but these days it happens more and more often. Surprisingly enough some of these people end up in the most perfect relationships. You know what i'm talking about, those couples that never seem to have problems at all. Those couples that just seem so compatible for eachother. Now, personally. I always thought it was creepy to date someone that you met through the internet. I guess in my eyes, those people that find you through facebook, myspace, or any other internet service would base too much of their opinion on pictures. I was not big on the whole physical deal, as many people know. Although, now i'm starting to think that maybe it's not that bad. Maybe i have been to close minded about the whole deal. The benefits of talking on aim. Do u notice how easy it is to lie about what ur feeling or saying? i guess this could be a negative if ur the receiving end of these lies. But, how easy is it to smile, or laugh. All it requires is a click or a simple 'LOL'. As queen of persons that are unable to hide their emotions, this comes in handy sometime. Instead, of stumbling over poor acting skills, all i have to type is, "what? there was nothing wrong with me today" and i'm on the way. Aim, is a one on one conversation that never seems to take an uncomfortable turn because there is no uncomfortable silence. Instead, there's just no typing....but u can always lie again and say that you had to run errands. If u don't know what to say, "i was gone for a second, what's up?". When that fear that your going to embarrass yourself is gone, you are less inhibited. More willing to be honest about what you say, more willing to be real. Although, the voice, and the text isn't you. The words are you, they are straight from your mind, typed right onto a pixellated computer screen. So is that worth it? Is it a fair exchange? Do our social skills suffer from the lack of real intimate conversations face to face? and if they do, is it worth it? That's for you to decide, as for me....i still like face to face conversations ultimately. I like to hear the voice, the emotions, the reactions. I like to memorize, the laughs, the sparkles, and i enjoy that simple presence of another human being in my immediate presence only a foot length away from me. Call me an old fashioned girl in this tech savvy era.... | | |
| When Lightening strikesit strikes hard.
pure chaos, that's all i'm seeing right now. A jumble of feelings, confusion reigns for now, but anger and jealousy are a close second. Jealous, u ask. Of what? That's a question that i would like to have answered too. What do i have to be jealous about. Anger, Why is not the question you should be asking. That's a given...anger exists and comes and goes. The essential question that is really important is at who or whom? Was it he or him, she or shim? haha....get it? Lame...yes i'm not in the mood for jokes either. really, to be honest it was me...meem. just simply put me.
My selfishness, has no bounds. I'm so surprised at my thoughts, and my priorities. I understand now, why you don't call me, i understand why you don't love me as much as you used to. I'm just fun for playing, but as a friend i'm utterly useless. But still, i'm angry at me and i'm angry at you. you're supposed to listen to this. you're the one that's supposed to care, and sadly no one really does. once again, i'm shocked by my selfishness. I have turned this situation into something about myself again. Me Me Me...me me me me me me.
I wish you'd listen, i wish you'd care...cuz isn't that what best friends are supposed to do? I wish you cared for me like i do for you, and in that perfectly platonic, no extra feelings way. I care about you, i genuinely do. It's scary....why do i need the feel to take care of you, but not others? Maybe it's because i know you need the love, and i see how lonely you can get, but i guess what you can't see in me is how lonely i get. I guess cause i'm always loud and the life of life, that it's just an easy way to escape. Best friend, is what you are to me...because i want to be the best friend i can for you. But sadly, i don't think u know who i am at all, i don't think you can see past these smiles. u only love me for that smile.
i'll never let you see me cry...ever
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| Take me as I amman, when did that become so hard. I keep losing sight of who i am, who i was, and who i want to be. When did it become such a battle to fight? When did it get to be a struggle, to stick to my morals, my rules, live my life. Maybe it's when i made it mine, when this life that i live became mine, and mine alone to control. It's always what it comes down to, who do i live this life for? Me or God. I know it's been me for a long time. How am i ever going to get the strength to give it up? How do i do it? This sunday, went to church. It was an awesome sermon, definately spoke to me. When do we really live for God, and really...not this half, whenever i have some extra time crap. But wholeheartedly really living for him. It's when we're desperate, when theres nothing left of us because life has beaten us so low that there's no where to turn. I guess you could take that in a literal sense, but it's not always the case is it. I struggle, because there's no one on my side. There's no one left on my team. Instead, of choosing one, i deny both. At least that's the pretense. I say i deny both God and this world, but by the sole action of denying God, i am embracing this sin-ridden world. I go worship at the temples of sin, join in their worship, and although i refuse to take communion with them, it's enough. So am i desperate? I am, i'm desperate because my spirit, my soul is tired, exhausted, and foolishly i try to cover my emptiness with entertainment. This generation, is the one without a purpose and only entertainment. Isn't that what Pastor John said? People don't know what to live for anymore. What do i live for? What do i Worship....myself. How can i say take me as i am, i can't. I can't because i can't take myself as myself right now. I wish i could cry, but it's strange how tears refuse to come. "I can only be me" that's a line in Mary J Blige's song, but that's a lie. I can be greater than me...i can be a child of God. | | |
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