whaaaaaaaaa

i love zackyyy

life's been getting shittier by the moment.

seniors are gone so that means zack is gone. zack also hasn't been picking up his phone as of late, so i haven't talked to him since he left.

so of course, i'm lonely.

in fact, i haven't really talked to him at all since yesterday. whatever. two days without him and i already feel like i'm dying.

my throat is choking, like there's this unseen pressure going down my spine. my dad wouldn't let me buy the shirts i found online that were on sale because there was no "special occasion."

and here i am studying my ass off for my finals.

and little did he know that i really needed some kind of boost because last night i wanted to cut again.

and little did he know that i wanted to buy a shirt online for zack's graduation.
but of course, one, am i even able to go?
two, who cares anymore if i mention zack. my family certainly doesn't. every time i mention zack, it's an excuse to do something bad or it just completely negates my request.

i give up. i keep giving up.

i'd like to just.. give up. sometimes, this loneliness is hard to bear.

i know i'm quite capricious in my feelings and how i determine situations, and that ambivalence is the root of most of the panic that revolves around me, and perhaps the concern some people have for me.

but really, that's how i am, that's how i've been most of my life..

today has become a better day.

despite natural omens of a melancholy, morose day, the sun came up :X

aye, can't type properly because this music is boggling my mind.

zack came over to drop off the new disturbed CD. this is the first CD i will have listened to completely and fully.. and enjoyed.

gackt is better, though.

musings?

i write best when i am upset or misanthropic.. cynical.

too bad i am not entirely right now.

deep down inside, i wish i was closer to my family, my parents most of all. douglas is another matter. quite bluntly.. no, i don't think you would want to read about that.

point blank, i used to dream of wringing his throat.

but yeah. there is this aching hollow inside of me that yearns for the acceptance of my mother, my father, the people who created me. i can't help but feel this tie, this severed relation, because it is so biological and inherent within me.

too bad, so sad, i'm out of luck.

edit:
your visage seemed to gloss
against the mirror of your image
pit-pat against the bourbon-
stricken floor.
the alcoholic stench
rises,
twists,
churns your stomach.
your mind cannot collect,
not fathom,
oh! spasms throughout your body;
your hands shake to catch your tears.
these are what memories
are left.