is there a way out?

As I learn more about the neighborhood my kids grow up in the more I wonder if there really is a way out?  I learned that our neighborhood and South Oak Cliff are the most dangerous (just depending on the day) in the Dallas area due to gang violence.  Last Thursday I walked into school to see our windows and the sides of our building tagged.  We had to change our school colors due to gang colors in our neighborhood. 

But what makes me the most sad is that these kids don't really have a choice.  If mom, dad, uncle, brother, or another family member is a part of one they basically decide for their children that they will be a part of it too.  They tag their children (just like cows being branded) so that they won't be harrassed by other gang members or so they will be protected as they traffic drugs for them.  I also can't say that if I was in their shoes I would never join.  Some of these kids are beat up everyday either before or after school because they won't choose a gang...so finally they get fed up with it and pick a side.  Atleast if they pick a side they won't be beat up everyday...just the one time for the initiation. 
I am so incredibly sickened by it that my stomach physically does flips.  These little children have seen people killed by gang members and have hidden behind walls until open gun fire comes to a hault so they can return to their "homes."  Even if they wanted out of a gang they would have to pick up their families and move, but their financial situations would just put them right back in the same type of area. It's sickening to think that being a part of a gang is not illegal...the activities they do are and recruiting is...but being a part of one is okay.  Gangs/gang members also have political power in some states and have even won academy awards.  I am glad to have been educated and to continue to learn more and see more, but I feel helpless.  Feeling sorry for them or going easy on them doesn't help them either...I still have to set high expectations for them and hope they pick a different path for themselves.

If this is how I feel, then I can't imagine how Jesus must feel.  I would literally do anything to help my kids (the ones that I know of that are in certain situations)...if me taking a bullet for them would change their lives and protect them I would do it. That's why God sent Jesus to the cross because it actually did save us.  Pray for my kids please.

Ukraine Update

It's difficult to put all my thoughts together and to pick highlights from the trip.  I feel like everytime I talk to someone I remember something different--there is just so much to reflect on and compile.  One of the greatest things that sticks out is just a common theme that God has been showing me this summer.  When I went to World Changers in June, I heard a sermon at our host church, it was about God breaking us and making us broken vessels so that His glory may shine through our brokenness.  It is a perfect reminder that nothing is possible through our own strength because we are human and thus imperfect.  But it is God's grace and mercy that allows us to be used by Him and more importantly it is a reminder that I am His beloved daughter. 

*Small group sessions were difficult because they were held in Ukrainian with little to no translation.  So at times I would be sitting there and thinking about other things but trying to stay focused and to pray for the campers.  One night I prayed that I would see God working during the small group time even though I don't understand what is being said and all of a sudden in the small group next to us I hear, "We have a new sister!" :) 
*Sharing the gospel is something somewhat new to me.  I always knew it's what I should do, but it's something that I don't always have the boldness or courage to do.  I prayed that God would give me opportunities to share with girls who expressed that they know all the right answers, being a Christian has too many rules, or they can't have fun with their friends if they are Christian.  So God provided the opportunity for me to share that I grew up in church so I knew all the right answers, but being a Christian is not a set of rules and so much more than knowing the right answers.  It's knowing that we can't follow the set of rules no matter how hard we try, and thus believing that God sacrificed his son so that we may have a relationship with Him.  I just know that it is exciting to share what Jesus has done in my life and what it means to me to have a relationship with Him.
*It fascinates me to know that God created so many different cultures and languages, yet He loves us all the same!  There is so much to embrace and learn from various cultures and I love getting to worship our God with those aspects.  We celebrated Christmas in July (with Santa and a real Christmas tree too) where we praised our God and the gift of Jesus in Ukrainian, English, Korean, and some Spanish.  It was the perfect celebration of Christmas without the commercialization!
*It was a blessing to serve with our brother and sisters at the church in Zdolbuniv and Josiah Ventures.  I think it is so comforting to know that there are brothers and sisters around the world willing to accept and host "strangers" for the sake of Christ.  I was especially blessed by my host sister, Nastia, who went out of her way to make Christine and I feel comfortable and also to open up her home to the entire team to debrief.  I like that we don't have to speak the same language to see and know her humble heart for Christ.  It was also a blessing to serve with them because we have left Ukraine, but the church members and Josiah Ventures staff are still there to continue building the relationships and to follow up.
*My brother's discipline and walk with Christ has always been an encouragement for me, so I know I am priviledged to get to go on missions with him.  Though we didn't talk a lot on the trip or have a significant amount of interaction, it definately just reminded me what a blessing it is to have my brother on the trip--whether it be the simple comforts of just having him there or asking him to dig me a hole. :) I don't always show my appreciation for him or express how much of an influence he has had on my relationship with Jesus.  I always figured that since he is my brother he will somehow magically know.  But I know that it is blessing to have a family where everyone knows Christ and encourages living out our lives for Him.   

I know that I'm leaving out so much, but there is just no way to capture everything I experienced into words.  I am just constantly reminded of what a blessing it is to be used even though I am not deserving of it.  I was also just amazed and blessed by our time in Poland.  It was great to see old town Warsaw and to experience the pure joy and excitement of walking down this street where it looks like a scene from a puzzle.  I felt like a kid amazed by everything I saw...my team members may have thought I was slightly crazy. 

The Perfect Flight

I left Dallas right around sunset.  The plane took off into the clouds and I was above a thick layer of clouds and the beautiful orange sun was setting (at least from above the clouds) throughout the flight.  (Granted the flight was less than an hour to Austin.)  Then we descended into a brightly lit city.  It was an amazing view.  It is amazing how God created everything to function so beautifully.

Work is Hard!

I don't know if I like being the adult.  I am aware that as a teacher, I have a lot of power.  I can send kids to the office and I can make their lives pretty miserable if I desire.  But I don't desire to do that...I just don't know what the right decision is. Some students just purposely push my buttons and put me in places that make me make the hard decision...bah!  I don't necessarily agree with suspensions...they don't learn anything and to the ones that get it, it's just a free day off of school.  (Shoot, if I could, I would like to get suspended for a day.)  At the same time, I can't let my kids walk all over me.  When they call me names and such, I can emotionally deal with it.  They are just children who are upset.  But if I just let them go all the time, they will never learn that you can't do that.  If they do it out in the neighborhood, they will get jumped, shot, or I don't know.   *sigh*  Did I make the right decision? or should I have just let it go?

At the same time, 2 other kids brought BB guns to school today :(.  2 of my good kids at that.  They never cause any trouble and they try really hard.  Then they thought it would be a good idea to shoot each other at recess :(.  Why do parents buy 3rd grade children BB guns? Maybe they are cool toys that guys just enjoy...but 3rd grade?  Isn't that a little too young? They too got suspended.  One of them can't afford to miss school...he's academically very behind : /.

Sometimes I wonder...how much of a difference can I really make in their lives?  Does anything I do let them know how much I care about them and want them to succeed?
All in all, I made 3 students cry today...I should've been the one crying. Tomorrow, I will be 3 students short, but my heart sure does feel heavy.

I am looking forward to my ALL EXPENSE PAID trip to Austin next week.  I need a break from my children :).  I feel like an important business woman going on a business trip :), but it's kind of scary thinking about having to mingle with strangers.

My 1st Fight