Snowing out there...cold, but it's just beautiful~  I hope things will go on beautifully too.  It's just difficult for me not to speak out when pressure seems to sink me into the sea under restless waves..........Perhaps I'm being too ambitious, perhaps I just don't let myself have plenty of time to plan and do preparation.  Life is not easy with all those tough yet not seeming successful auditions.  Well, ok if I end up staying here not with sumer music festival it's alright.  Why should I keep pushing myself without a reasonable purpose.......Civic audition, so what if I give up...or St Louis.....I even feel ashame to tell others I'm auditioning, but who cares~~~~~being a DMA student has no priviledge and the degree itself doesn't make you play better.  You play at certain level so you get to this level, but whether or not you're successful is another thing.  I need to do what I want.  Even if I know things weren't going as good as expected, but why not give it a try.     I also need to think about long-term: competition, two recitals......and career............. at the same time school work is the most important. I'm not going to forget about studying as the study is supporting my playing.  It has certain valuable knowledge I couldn't get studying a diploma or Master.  Go for it~ 

The time I didn't write my ideas...it must be the moments that I'm occupied, hectic, busy with stuffs, without listening to my soul.  However, I know I need to comfort my soul, doing what is instinct to me.  We struggle, everyone go for challenges. Yet we need homes, we need a place to stay and relax, before the next battle is coming~  Thanks God I have to say that I've been going through so much things.  I want to make sure I swim well in the sea (or lake since there is no sea but Michigan Lake nearby here), instead of sinking.

One reflection is on the shooting tragedy in Northern Illinois University............ How can history repeat so many times when shootings on campus happened and happened again.....with not long ago in virgina?!!!  The society needs to do something.  Why did they get guns easily...?  Why do certain people lose their rational mind and allow themselves to do unlogical things hurting other people?!!!  That's something everyone needs to reflect.    We ourselevs have mistakes , but don't repeat them. Face them and give your patience to correct them........