yukawai's Xanga

Friday, November 07, 2008

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:34:52 GMT

Worry about left hand? feel that it's as smooth and as soft as honey;

worry about bow arm? think about natural gravity- weight;

worry about intonations? feel the geography(of the fingerboard);

get tired with the running passages? be a sportsman and get some 'workout';

mess-up with your rhythm? let your mathematical mind calm you down;

lose in-touch with the beauty of the music? remember you're a poet;

fight with your accompanist? be a smart politician who argues and negotiates appropriately;

drown by your emotions too much? be a confucian philosopher who knows what balance is: rational mind vs emotions

concentration is gone? be a conductor, cue yourself every second and look at every note of the score(or think in visual score of notes if playing from memory)

lack the emotional power with the music? be a speaker and tell your story

....

when you feel you have none of the above because of self-doubt? be yourself....just go for it!

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 18:21:52 GMT

Again a performance with important solo today...my mental will is not as strong as many people right before performance, but I know that my preparation is enough. Although execution was not my strength, I am able now to execute with more solid foundation~ It seems that I have the ability of a great performer but not the confidence that a great performer deserves. I need to face it this time. No way to find alternatives. An important writer Maya Agelou(I forget how to spell) said she was more a teacher who writes than a writer who can teach. Will that be similar for me as a performer? No matter whether that applies to me or not, why don't I teach myself!? Why don't I believe myself better with past experiences showing my ability...I know performance on stage is unpredictable in some ways.....but why don't I focus on things that are already well done in preparation!? Nevertheless it's just one performance, one take, it may represent yourself to the public in the certain minutes on stage, but it may not always show exactly how much efforts you already spent before that. So let the anxiety go when everything should just go naturally without any forceful effort. Just keep doing what's already good. Don't worry about negative possibility........which takes away your concentration; but use the concentration to get things even better to the next step with ease~~~

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 16:26:54 GMT

Fear is a thing everyone should go through and indeed in musical performance it's even more so! Emmanuel Feurmann played the cello with no fear...while playing the most technically challenging pieces in the cello repertoire he didn't care to even look at the fingerboard any second yet played amazingly?! Everyday you wake up there is a new fear...a fear that your shoulder will tense up, a fear that you won't move your bow smoothly, a fear that you can't hear your intonations, a fear that your left hand fingers can't find where thery're going, a fear that you can't memorize the music(esepcially before performance)............. Since performance is so much related to mental awareness, fear affects physical performance a lot unfortunately~ When you write a paper you can be nervous and affect your thoughts, but you've more time to calm down and people only judge your from your final paper product, not your process of writing it. And after all, being nervous doesn't make you type the wrong words easily or anyway your computer and software are not affected by anxiety....... In performance no, every motion and feeling can be influencing your playing immediately.

My solution to face anxiety is: go for it....and there is nothing you can do rathen than to stay focus on what you're doing. And let anxiety be part of the process... Of course you refine everything in practice and you work for the best of you. But be prepared to face the worst side of you and be aware that any time you may not be in your prime condition. That affects how you should expect yourself.....we somtimes hope too much for our ideals and belive too much we can do great all the time. Don't expect yourself more than you're capable(at least at the moment) and beware your're not perfect. Quantity and quality of work are all key points. Anxiety affects us less when our preparation is solid! One last thing talking to myself, getting a stronger physical body helps. In anxiety mental uncertainty affects muscle activity by making muscles tired, yet the stronger the muscles the better they can cope with mantal issues. Doing sports is a must for me.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:06:31 GMT

Somewhere in my soul is not free...it's full of control, suppression and uncertainty. Yes that reminds me to be always conscious whatever I do. But once I've got the discipline, it's time to let-go and enjoy much more. It's one of the experiences of climbing the mountain in my last recital and I went through it~ Although I don't feel rewarding enough now, yet I should realize the fact things are better than they might have been! Step by step I know one day I can play beautifully without caring how others may judge me, with all my heart in devotion.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:36:28 GMT

My mind was static...and even now it's just slow~ I still remember whenever I've that it's not a good sign as a performer. That means not open, forward, let-go, relax, not musical....and above all it's the fear that cuased the 'failure' in today's solos in orchestra rehearsal. Although I'm not supposed to be on that Principal seat this concert and perhaps I shouldn't allow that to distract any attention of total focus to my solo and accom recital...this Sat and Oct 20, BUT no excuse, it's beautiful music, and it's my job to do it, and not just do it----do it well! Lots of preparation from now on without carelessness....although that means my time management must be really well adjusted, but perhaps there isn't another choice at the moment. When I feel no choice....or have to do one thing, why don't I enjoy it. Also, I seem to have the old habit of 'panic' back to life, even after my new growth in the summer......no I need to overcome it, it's like overcoming any traumatic feelings you've....and after all it's music, it's a song, it's a speech, no more fear please Yu Ka Wai!!!

Now, time to get some good meal and then get ready to play in Faye's dress rehearsal. Every second is precious, no regret, no worry. It's the world of hope if you're willing to face the truth. But if you prefer to stay in the 'safety dream world' you can, but you'll never really enjoy the beauty after taking risks(no matter 'successful' or not it may seem).

Friday, August 22, 2008

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:07:49 GMT

How to make yourself focus? That's a tough question, when many things occur the same time. I've quite a number of duties or stuffs to do...but I end up not wanting to do any of them, lots of the time~~pressure always challenges against our incentive, devotion and patience in doing one thing. Yet, that's reality and will continue influence our life in many ways. Perhaps that's right I push myself with duscipline and routines....but as I get more mature, it's not enough just to force yourself. And the last thing I want here is: enjoyment. If I can enjoy even in times of immense pressure, I'll still have the incentive

Monday, August 18, 2008

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 13:43:14 GMT

Well, after a while I'm back to xanga, yeah! It has been a while when I tried to focus on living the real life. There're so many things that you're occupied with and you won't have time at all the even write a word about what you feel. Yet, it is very comfortable to write again now as I care about what my heart feels. Anyway, part-time work is a learning experience, but that takes away too much time and certain efforts from me~~ For me, the person who focused only on one thing at a time before that'll be hard, because I wanna support my life financially and at the same time do well on my doctoral study. The person who once practised like mad on the cello is not doing the same thing now...but the quality of work that I had done couldn't be measured by the hours I locked myself in the practice rooms. Indeed this summer seems to be kind of a transition. And after teaching at BlueLake I'm refreshed. I also feel more sure the way I think about music and about how to work on musical performance~~ I know back to school is in one week and by then it's time for me to experiment how well my new thinking can fit in to the challenge! Recital is top priority and that's close too...yet the immediate challenge is gig orch auditions. This thing is extremely challenging for a passionate musician like me who sometimes forget the importance of perfect technique.... But watching the women's diving in Olympics did inspire me yesterday~~right no matter where is the pressure from the people around you or what ever is the importance of that one single competition, on the stage(at the swimming pool) you just have to be centered and focus on what you're doing.....and above all execution! Executing what you prepared is the key the success~~for sure the word 'preparation' is extremely important too.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:40:27 GMT

It seems that the situation is not positive or encouraging......yet it's because of that I need to still keep going.
Getting a bad cold.......dizzy, headache, lack of physical energy, lack of usual determination~~~~~~~~well, if I wanna go through, I can certainly go through. Confidence is something I lack, but why not feel it....even if the sky seems to 'sinking down'. I don't want to care what others think about me, but if I do care, it's alright. If you don't do well this time, try again next time. Time will be an advantage for me. Rushing only shows my weakness earlier. It's such kind of philosophy, try to do something, put your heart in it, devoted and with faith, yet, don't get occupied, don't be driven by it...anyway love something but not to obsess, to fight for it, but not to grip it tight.....release, release and release is what I need!!!!!!!! Why do I put my soul into prison if I haven't done anything wrong?!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 18:27:46 GMT

Snowing out there...cold, but it's just beautiful~ I hope things will go on beautifully too. It's just difficult for me not to speak out when pressure seems to sink me into the sea under restless waves..........Perhaps I'm being too ambitious, perhaps I just don't let myself have plenty of time to plan and do preparation. Life is not easy with all those tough yet not seeming successful auditions. Well, ok if I end up staying here not with sumer music festival it's alright. Why should I keep pushing myself without a reasonable purpose.......Civic audition, so what if I give up...or St Louis.....I even feel ashame to tell others I'm auditioning, but who cares~~~~~being a DMA student has no priviledge and the degree itself doesn't make you play better. You play at certain level so you get to this level, but whether or not you're successful is another thing. I need to do what I want. Even if I know things weren't going as good as expected, but why not give it a try. I also need to think about long-term: competition, two recitals......and career............. at the same time school work is the most important. I'm not going to forget about studying as the study is supporting my playing. It has certain valuable knowledge I couldn't get studying a diploma or Master. Go for it~

The time I didn't write my ideas...it must be the moments that I'm occupied, hectic, busy with stuffs, without listening to my soul. However, I know I need to comfort my soul, doing what is instinct to me. We struggle, everyone go for challenges. Yet we need homes, we need a place to stay and relax, before the next battle is coming~ Thanks God I have to say that I've been going through so much things. I want to make sure I swim well in the sea (or lake since there is no sea but Michigan Lake nearby here), instead of sinking.

One reflection is on the shooting tragedy in Northern Illinois University............ How can history repeat so many times when shootings on campus happened and happened again.....with not long ago in virgina?!!! The society needs to do something. Why did they get guns easily...? Why do certain people lose their rational mind and allow themselves to do unlogical things hurting other people?!!! That's something everyone needs to reflect. We ourselevs have mistakes , but don't repeat them. Face them and give your patience to correct them........

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 04:32:57 GMT

New Year means a new start~I must work hard. Well, the past semester was great with new life at Illinois. However, I wasn't as hard working as before. To certain extent it's good that I relax from previous tensions, but it does affect the quality of my musical progress, especially as I step on the DMA program. Holiday is fun and thanks God, my trip back and forth from Georgia was safe!(still need to remind myself for the trip back to Illinois in two days)