The reason I made the title What is happiness isn't because I want to know what it is. Just there seems to be many various answers from many different people, and aspects. Some people say money will make them happy because thats the only way to survive in life. Other people say just living life with what you have and who you love is happiness. Starving, unable to pay bills, usually only if someone shows kindness does that sort of happiness work out. So I ask, what is happiness? Is it really spending time with those you care about even if you are all starving, or beaten and broken? Is it having all the money in the world and being alone? I think its a mix of both personally. Yes there are times where money is important because you cant seem to survive in this world and time without it. Life was never fair, and it may never be. There is always a down side and someone always has to work for the benefit of someone else. People stepping on people to get ahead in life....
Love is an issue I tend to reflect upon. I wonder if I really closed off my heart for a time there. Always thinking, waiting to be hurt... I hurt lots of people, and I may continue to hurt more... Vanishing without a trace... sometimes I think about that. Leaving and not coming back, not telling people where I went or why. I wonder how much I would really be missed. Then again I should make an effort to keep in touch with what friends I have. I have so many numbers, and yet I havent called a single one. Its hard to talk to friends about what is going on in my life. Alot of them wouldn't understand, many might not even want to keep in touch with me for it either. I know as hell my parents might probably disown me again... so that leads me to my next topic...
Lies... I dont like to lie, but it seems like Im a continuous liar. I lie to people I care about, saying Im not hurt, or that I feel things will be ok, even if I dont think that. Is there a fine line between trying to be reassuring and being truthful? Its my turn to do alot of things within my life, to make decisions. Would certain people be happier without me in their lives, even if they say it isnt true...
Its hard to be someone's world. They look at you, and if you vanish or aren't there, they would cease to exist. Can they imagine what kind of pressure they put on the person who is their world. I mean sure, they are blind and see no faults in that person, but that can also be a bad thing..
Ive asked alot of people close to me if I'm a bad person. I can be cruel, I can be lots of things, but most of the time, Im really easy going. People have gotten to know my nice good side because thats the side shown all the time. Its becoming harder to keep the part of me locked away though... Im tired of locking away my feelings, but where is the line drawn? I always try to do what I feel is right, I always try to keep things in mind, yet when is enough, when do I stop letting people hurt me. I said in my last post, I threw away my future for happiness.... Though right now, Im not feeling so happy. How long will I have to wait in limbo for my happiness to return. I cant bring it back, I cant force it back, I cant do anything but wait...or go to it. Going to it would put me in possible debt, but its now a cross of what I want to do, and what I probably should do. Can I wait without driving myself to insanity.... Over a month.... Maybe with no contact... but Ive been finding it harder and harder to deal with as each day passes. Just not sure what to do....
Crying wont help, screaming wont help, getting mad, or sad wont help, thinking wont help, either go to it, or wait for it to come to me.... Which... which one should I choose..... I guess only time will tell.
Things I need to change about myself:
Not telling people how I feel
Saying Im alright when Im not
Stop dwelling on things
I think I'll stop here for now...
Chatboard (0)