|
| "Mizerable" | - - -if you're reading this, please stop, because this is about as embarassing as a comedian who laughs at his own jokes. |
i'm pretty americanized and i'm dissapointed in close-mindedness, including my own; i can manage to breathe heavily in a sigh, peer downwards and break a tear when pretending to be sad over nothing; i'm self-concious about imaginary aspects of myself, when the internet serves as a portal to re-invent myself; sometimes i can believe that i'm more handsome, and more likable than the next person until i finally realize that none of those things should really matter. i mostly eat those kimchi noodles, being underweight and also unable to tolerate a lot of foods; if i first appear a nice person, give me time to show you that i can be a jerk, and an idiot-something true and something ugly; if i still appear respectful and considerate, i'm (very) sorry, it's a bad lie...; i'm often dishonest, even when i frown at dishonesty in general; i don't feel like i can be a part of a relationship because i feel like i'm inadequate and there is always someone better-it almost always feels like this is true; if i could imagine myself in a relationship, it'd be one-sided love... or otherwise impossibly romantic. i'm once again sad-about how i can still be considered a lucky individual, and how there are people who geniunely feel a million times worse about their lives than i do... on a daily basis; i shoudln't compare my life, my abilities, or my value to another's, but i can't help doing so; i am undoubtedly jealous of the many individuals who make the most of their lives and sometimes i feint that i'm better off relying on myself for inspiration; every person that i've liked, have had ambitions greater than my own-i yearn to have them like me also, just to realize that i'm inadequate once again. i say that i frown upon materialism, but i really have no money of my own to spend, this comes with the satisfaction that i make fun of the items that others (including my dear friends) will buy; i believe my family is wealthy and comfortable, but when i learn that my parents will cry and support me relentlessly, regardless of my countless failures, i feel like suicide is viable ends; the fact that i can muster so many negative and honestly retarded elements about myself is a comment on my miserable condition-yet i have so many ideas to enact. i only hope that she'll like me after all is done and all is known, and that i don't regret anything further; i can't change who i am based on who i am, and what i've conditioned myself to believe about myself over many years; i hope i can be a better person, and fulfill an image myself that remains natural...and believable >;( thank you . . . dearly for letting me go sadness can be invasive//contageous | | |
| - - -Life has you commit.
Life has you commited to an identity
Life commits you to several 'different', or several metro indentities of yourself, that are modified, or sometimes predominately will modify the shape of your features, attitude, and sometimes the way you treat yourself and other people.
Life has an identity, but your choice in word and action is your own.
It is no talent to learn easily from school, or to memorize more thoroughly the concepts of your math; it's an dea that you are the only person with the ambition to do well in a taught course, and more so an attitude, as some people will have their own way--people who will want to satisfy their current emphasized needs in order to understand the real necessity of living. Camus discusses almost all of this in any given piece of his writing.
I would be evicted from my household if the small society i call, home, found me as a gradual threat to everyone else. It would have been, and in actuality has been an unorthodox quarantining of the mind, that sometimes happens with the simple act of removing a valued computer for however absurdly specified amount of time. As long as the action hurts, and seems to be a [i]need[/i] at that given time-possibly in the future as well (hence the incomprehensible time given) as long as it hurts -- you are beginning to feel conditioned to act different, which would lead to yet another change of your ingenuous identity.
Yet, some people are resiliant more than their peers, to these borderlines or points of crisis that will happen during their life time. Is it that their attitude(s) are less geared towards accepting a [i]stumble[i/]?
Are these people more used to the environment of generated fear?
Do they simply take responsibility in realizing fault? Are they forced to?
We have little place in worrying about the proceedings of a specified 'grounding', even as a close affhiliate to the ones affected by it, and we sometimes tell someone of our problems in life because we feel obliged to use it as an excuse, and sometimes sometimes reasoning behind many of the things we do. Sometimes the same reasons and excuses are viewed as legitimate.
In return of this [i]mutual[/i] trust, we sometimes offer condolences to the people who feel they have suffered. We sometimes state patronization in attempts to add on to someone's feelings. The ideas we offer or are offered to us are never always genuine--becoming more evident as we grow with experience in general. Eventually, a lot of our daily living deals with the interaction of people around us. The more lucky of us either deals with people of whom they love and trust, or deals with the interactions of many people, whom they could potentially share this good relationship with. With regards to the many possibilities of small talk and meeting, our identities depend on a growing realization of the 'person'. Not limited to socialization, our respect for others is influenced greatly again, by . . . senselessness . . . incongruence of thought related to the society as a stated [i]WHOLE[/i]
tbc'd shortly -^ ^- | | |
| ;Disingenuous The...truth becomes too easy to hide, even if it exists to be revealed foremost. | | |
| -friday, december..... 29th?<html> <head><script language="javascript" type="text/javascript"> function _hbLink (a,b) { return false; } </script>
[i've got to apologize before hand, i don't really want to go through and edit spelling/grammatic errors..] </head><body> <object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/h8qK_AciOzg"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/h8qK_AciOzg" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object> (brings back memroies *sniffle) This time of year, most fruits are 'out of prime season". That is, apples and oranges kinda' suck in my opinion. They are my favourite fruits !! other htan watermelon because they're cheap... and well, taste good anyway. I would used to finished three to four.. even like... seven on sick days such as today.. T^T oranges... a day. I'm actually one of two people out of five in my family that contributes to finishing the fruit 'basket'. The other one of the two actually commits to paying to fill it :) that's my mother. I don't understand, but i guess peeling and skinning is a nuisance, something of a task that most people find arduous. Befor ei started doing it alone, I'd depnded on my mother to treat to fruit. Growing old now, I feel that it'd be pretty naive to continue eating fruits without knowing how to prepare them for my own picky taste. had i mentioned how they taste so bad now? I'm sorry, but hte oranges are allll sour :s...
Hyung Tae-Kim I guess i've been a large fan of both his work and his personality. I have just read interviews of him from GUU magazine. A lot of his technique has been entertained and explained hn his own words in these interviews. Haven drawn a lot of fanart based on his character, commercial pieces, many of which are simply freehand copies, ic an't help but notice all the things that i've been doing with my drawings in shadow of Hyung Tae-kim's (hence be further referred to as HTK) original style. In a cliched tone, it rubbed off on me. Emphasis in pencil thickness when drawing for example -- HTK will go over his previous outlines multiples of times often to help perspective view. From personal experience, it is hard not to do this as it helps a lot with differentiating masses in a complicated drawing. For example, yet again another example is one of HTK's Character designs (and any could be considered an example). Flambouyant hair and cplicated dress details are hard to seperate for further fetailing unless you finalize them before working on anything else. However, when doinga sketch... especially if you've decided to colour it later, it is best to keep the detailing common throughout (without concentrating n the background more than the character.. etc.) -- another thing that i have learned and have grown to practice through HTK's style. More on this later. GUU shows exclusively the makings of an amazing art print by HTK, it is simply impressive how his process makes the product seem simple and straightforward. Granted, his personal creation process isn't discussed.. he shows several rough 'initials' to get a final -rough- layout. He is a professional, but for someone that strives to be an artist, they must be able to compare their current ability to such a person, especially when they are drawing and painting with the same general style. Right now, I simply can't compare. not near par. pretty dissapointing, but can't be helped in the near future.
Drawing with 4H recently
From acquiring a set of sudio pencils from a korean artist, I have found them ot be very different from the generic HB grade pencils that are used normally for... printing and writing. It's funny how i feel comfortable with relating.. connected.. similar to the same korean guy just by merely hearing of his painting and haven seen his belongings. It looks like ha had a family and had children, it's very unforunate.. some of you will know why i even have his stuff in the first place. The 4H pencil in particular seems to suuit my style (mind.. this is a initial response and one hour of use xD;;) for practical drawing.. sketching. It is a light, probably one of the lightest pencil avaailable to anyone.. in fact, i've been using a 4H to write this all in a book as i translate it onto this blog. I could joke that i like to use one of these pencils to draw HTK's characters because it is easy to erase the lines drawn by a 4H. It is probable that someone make thousands and mistakes tryig to copy HTK's style. just that amazing. Lines strokes feel natural and long (but what do i know about this 'equipment'? don't lsiten to me ;D). A stroke never gets 'old-you can go over each and every one if you want to make a line deeper. Having less than needed, and adding later according to the need. This technique is relatable to many things you would do everyday. You could not apply a large amount of paint on the first layer of a canvas paining because it would be hard to add more colour on top laterwards. Rather, we layer in according to the full-spectrum method of painting (which i had to learn the hard way T^T;;) where you slowly add colours that mix together. As with cooking, it is wise of a concious person not to add the flavouring - salt - sugar - etc... until later on in your procedure. Adding little by little as you go on. Same with ketchup okay? my brother gets pissed when i spew a load of ketchup on my dinner plate and decide to use only half. Conservative type i guess. Anyway, the 4B.. rathe rhte 4H is a great grade of pencil. It engraves into the paper as you go over areas of an outline to create depth and shadow. A nead side effect. I think artists should consider using these pencils for commisions shoudl they ever just sell their sketches. It takes a lot to convince me to give up something that isn't coloured in. Part, because it hasn't had the 'effort stamp' of approval. part, because i need more practice. all that time will take care of eventually.
</body> </html> | | |
| Anorexia nervosis, and the inexplicable dangers of wiiyup, still listening to TAION, played by Gazette. I have yet to explain to Vicky, why portraits of other people, are a little more demanding of someone... not because of their appearance, size, date, personal bias or whatever. It's kinda' the priorties that painter's must set before they start painting-that determine his or her motivation. anyway, it's my problem, and you're doing a good job of rushing it along my 'to-do-list'. appreciate it, really. Feeling like a child again, i couldn't help but feel a little like a kid for breaking a toy... or in my case.. a wii remote (laughs softly). It being the main attraction at that area at the time.. and being one of the sober males in the house, i also had the least control over a piece of plastic. {edit} i guess it requires some explanation.. LOL. It left my hand suddenly, and dented the wall, exploding into 5 parts. Next thing i know, after placing the batteries back in with the cover, someone starts playing again with it... Over the years at highschool... at alpha.... the time spent there outwardly seemed to have gone by very, very slowly. Over the years at highschool... i'd entered a transition of non-cussing and consistent cursing.. a phase i guess. cussing specifically, i try not to do on purpose, but why now do i sware so often? Why would most of my speech consist of swaring? Part of a full answer to both those questions would include, "i feel inclined to expressing my feelings with those words." or something on the lines of, "i feel accustomed to using them now." both very much true, and kinda' unfortunate. I'd like to think that i'm better than a few cliched sware words. the transistion mentioned above happened only as there was motivation to start it. From wanting not to cuss, to having to cuss, because there are little words that you can spew out to show that you are... pissed, that are also quite acceptable well, among friends. F-U-C-K does the work nicely and quickly i thought. It's also uneccessary...... that's why i've decided to reserve that language for the right occaision, when i am with friends otherwise my teachers and classmates will probably have to tolerate it. and the odd thing is.. i always thought i looked a bit wierd when i swore.. *saa* i felt like talking about myself this morning. Self evaluation y'know. Many people can relate to a self evaluation as how they think critically of themselves. Unfortuantely yet again, some people do better at representing those thoughts. Where i would lay, if there were a line of opposable values...of self-expressive and non expressive...would be somewhere near the latter. Very near, on the brink of crossing it i would think. Well, it looks like i won't sleep for a while.... Blogging.. discussing stuff with old friends on MSN who go on at 3:40 in the morning... taking advantage of that fact that there is a winter break and that it's nearly christmas.. and the time where everyone is more lenient. I hope everyone indulges responsibly in the freedom that we have now, to do many of the things that we want to do... and a safe christmas of course. Ahh.. i have a family christmas dinner on Sunday ><;; take care as always, Nick | | |
|
|
