| LifeLife, the opposite of death, or the opposite of idleness and apathy. I just got through looking at old papers that I had written prior to and right when I started college. One thing in particular that I thought was interesting was my semester, one year, and five year goals that Dr. Miles made us write in our college success course. After reading my goals, I was quite pleased that I have actually kept pretty well to most of them. although some of them I have completely failed at. another thing I realize from that time is that I have grown a considerable amount since then. My knowledge of the world and my ability to express myself have grown leaps and bounds in the past four years. I mean I sounded like I was slow in the head before. Even my handwriting is completely different. What does that mean? Is a persons handwriting symbolic for who they really are? Have I changed so much that you can't even tell that my handwriting was written by the same person? I don't know if that is good or bad. there are things that I have done that I would never have done 4 years ago. maybe thats what growing up is. experiencing everything so you know what to and what not to do. I certainly know of a few things that I will never do again. and I know of a few things that I probably will do again and regret. I used to be filled with sensitivity for the world, for who led it and the people in it. now I can barely bring myself to look both ways when I cross the street. What is wrong with me? I still love my family, and my true friends, but I think I lost a part of myself a long time ago that I will never get back. I thought I found it again for a while, but I was wrong. I stare into the distance trying to find it every day begging pleading for it to come back to me.......but it never answers. All I see is the same monotony everyday, the same people doing the same things, talking about the same people, making the same wrong decisions, being with the same wrong people. I try to play nice and fit in, but it never works. I just get the same fake people, handing me their own bullshit, that they themselves have come to believe is true. I'm ready. I want to live, I want to tell some people to go fuck themselves. I want to tell others thank you for their greatness and unwaivering dedication to being true. and I want to tell some people How much I care for them, how I could care for them, more than anyone else in the world, if they would just let me. That I can love. I just have to figure out how to let them love me. don't you think its ironic that "if" is in the middle of "life'' |
