Two nights ago my Aunt was taken to the emergency room. I received a phone call at 11:00pm from a friend who saw her being put on a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance. When I arrived at the hospital my Grandma was already there with a neighbor and we were allowed to see my aunt within a few minutes. She was shaking from the pain that was clearly unbearable. The reality of standing in an emergency room watching my aunt convulsing from a level of pain I cannot begin to imagine, hit me hard. Very hard.

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that there is a certain aura of "emergency" around me. For whatever reason, car accidents happen around me. Not caused by me (at least not all of them) but witnessed by me. I've seen cars run red lights and slam into strollers, I've seen 18 wheelers jump bridges and catch fire, I've seen road rage that has killed people, I've seen cars flipped over on fire, I've pulled people out of burning cars (twice), It's been a aspect of my life that I've just become familiar with. I don't think twice about it. I never really stopped to think about being afraid about what is going on. Now don't hear what I'm not saying, I am not saying that I'm some great courageous dude. I'm not. My lack of fear comes from either an ignorance of the situation or a sense of being removed from the immediate danger. And possibly a dulling due to the frequency of these "events."

Whatever.

But being in the ER watching a loved one shake from pain and listening to them cry for help is outside my realm of "no fear." That terrified me. I couldn't pull that one out of the car. I couldn't help. There was nothing to do, no immediate action required on my part. I realize that in the car accidents in which I've helped people, I was not in complete control in any part. But there was an action, and effect. Action: Remove person from car on fire. Effect: Person lives, everyone is happy. God deemed everything to be in place for that to happen. But there in the ER, the action was as follows: Action: Unknown/Nothing, Effect: Unknown.

This was a difficult and emotional lesson in control; who has it, and who doesn't. Ok, so it would seem silly to say it because of it's self evidence, however, the truth of, "God is in control" has far reaching implications other than it's veracity. Al Mohler writes, There is not one atom or molecule in the entire cosmos that is not under the sovereign rule of God. The illusion of control is so deceptive. And it looks so real. We can fool ourselves into thinking that we are in control of our lives when in reality we lack the ability to control our lives, and we lack the responsibility to control our lives. It's really not our job.

Today is my last day of my short vacation in Phoenix. What a great time of rest and fun. My time consisted of, early morning coffee and conversations with Andrea, sitting at the church office laughing and having a good time with Andrea and Sussy. We went with Mary, (Andrea's Mom) to go see Narnia, Prince Caspian. Last night I watched Tombstone with Jonathan and Mary and Andrea, tonight we are going to a shooting range. I think I remember a concert of sorts at some point in the trip, but I can't be sure. :) It's been such a good time.

I am very aware that God has blessed me more than I deserve. (Pun intended) I find myself seeing things differently. I am so aware of my dependence on God during this new season of courtship. I find myself needing to speak truth to myself even more and looking to God for help in wisdom and guidance.

My tendency is to look at my sin and failings and have my gaze drift from the Lord and onto myself. May it not be so. May my view of the Cross be bigger than my gaze and fill it in completely. He's faithful to forgive us and His Grace is sufficient. I'm beginning to see that sufficiency as less of a phrase and more of a daily reality.

So the journey begins. Fasten Seat belts.

Oh and I am more thrilled today than I was yesterday thank you for asking.

So there is a problem. After years of going to school, scraping by at a myriad of odd jobs and late nights studying, I am at a loss for what to do now that I'm done. Granted I have just tonight open before I graduate tomorrow and then head for Phoenix Saturday morning, but still. It's almost funny, how my brain is having a hard time letting go of the academic mindset. Which is really funny if you know me.

So here I am, at my apartment watching the Lakers game. And then after that?

We'll see. Anything could happen.