well here it is...the long-awaited massive picture update with semi-humorous captions included! it's mostly a bunch of random pics of me, from college, from old beach trips, and so on...it took me forever to get them all together and resize and lighten blah blah sldkfjlsdk;fj, so you better enjoy these. without further ado...

ME--a few new ones taken on father's day:

rockin the aviators...PS: mine are hotter than Sara's aka www.xanga.com/shescreams_insilence

looking flustered as usual..

the new profile pic..pretty rico suave right

yup thats right...that was me on the front page of saturday's express on the job at playgrounds..a special thanks to the express for makin it look like i have a bulging stomach...note the intensity.

older pic from about a 1 1/2 years ago...also, kill me.

i SWEAR i pitched this throw in quoits last week...NEVER AGAIN

christ

a VERY old pic of me before a dance in 10th grade..note the regis philbin matching tie and shirt ensemble

'nother real old pic of me with short hair and skeletor arms. in this picture, i'm informing everyone that it's your nose that gives you your sense of smell.

These next couple are from beach trips with Ottoman Empire about 2 or 3 years ago to Wildwood...me him, banas, kavcak, erika and jax will all be headin up there july 9th weekend this summer..CRAZINESS ...i have so many fucked up pics I'm only putting the pg-13 ones up that won't get us in jail:

me being your typical jew.

choking the life out of this irish folk-singing dwarf.

pure sex minus the pure and sex. also i jacked this car.

me and otto got a pic with the guy from ECW ...that was a crazy nite.

ping pong tourney's..i dunno wtf im wearing but i do know im unbeatable in pong...ping and beer that is.

hahahah i found this pic and had to put it up...from kindergarten i think..otto on far right im next to him in the stripes...the kid next to me i hate his soul then kevin badway after him...my shoes are INSANE

2 pics of my sis, Sara.

her 1 second before that chandelier light fell and crushed her head.

my sister will actually walk around and pose like this in real life anywhere.

AND finally about a billion college pics from Moravian...

pictured...ellen kat melissa kim...missing: my sex.

another shot of the 151 girls.

alex and barnes sipping like a bitch

thuuug nucca

ahahahha please get that bottle away from him...ever clear is 95% alc sooo gross.

barnes pissed his pants EVERY night he got drunk...please wear diapers

canadian dan..like most canadians, a real bastard hahahha

cat and john..how fuckin cute haaaaa

barnes and faggot ryan wasted beyond belief.

crazy dane...dane is a good preacher.

ellen and kat..daaaaaaaaaaaamn

good old fox-a-tron

fuckin jut..better known as hitler...i dont think there was one nite he didnt drink til he puked..awesome

jut and his woman terra

kat and kim gettin wild at a party

me and kat-a-lac prior to a night of unbridled passionate sex hahah yeaaaa ok

ellen and kat again..and taco bell dog in front.

i was a bit parched...in fact it took about 12+ keystones to quench my thirst that evening.

neal really did knock me out with this chair after a night of drinking...this was my last night there around 5 am and i had a final at 7 am the next day

mel and ellen after post-sexual intercourse

the other niel and canadian dan...i beat niel in the 2004 walk-off zoolander style this year.

smutty mc smutterson (ryan)...the best supplier of alcohol in life...he had at least 20 bottles of diff liquor at all times in his room.

alex (who isnt on steroids, really) raping cat

big stys, probably the biggest, scariest guy i know

triple kiss ...hahahha this is illegal

T-Time!!! tiff on left, terra on right

tiff eyeing up the cock.

T-time with my roomie teets

hahah fuck you teets..im rich bitch

hahaha terra probably the coolest girl at moravian

i think you can guess...

aaaaaaaaaaaand i have work in 2 hours i have to get up...gooooooodnight

<3 zackariah

I’m back like a kid with syphilis to the penicillin clinic.

First off Happy Mother’s Day to everyone. A special thanks to those girls who I’ve impregnated but refuse child support. You girls are the real stars on a day like today. I would send a card if I remembered any of your names. But what’s in a name, as my pal Romeo would say... A rose, that which by any other name would smell so sweet. And roses really smell like boo boo boo. I think I’ve made my point.

School is officially over. It was an awesome year, all in all. Especially fun was about 2 weeks ago when I died. I was playing dice with a few friends and unfortunately was killed by alcohol poisoning. However, like a phoenix rising from the ashes I was reincarnated. As what, you might ask? Well I am a sloth Indian giver. My name is Courtney. I have found I emit a foul and unpleasant stench pretty much always. You would think I might be tempted to take a shower, but I actually prefer to just roll around in mud to get the grime off. Also, I pick my nose and eat it.

I’m thinking about going to bartending classes this week and getting a job at some high-end restaurant or club. The idea is to bring in a flask and pour everyone’s drinks just a little bit short. Then at the end of the day I will combine all the leftover drinks into one big shot glass. This shot will consist of probably a smidgerooski of every drink that we have. With a little luck, my liver will suffer a fatal blow and will explode/implode/evaporate/disintegrate/eat my soul. This is the only option I see available for losing these nagging 4 pounds I can’t seem to get rid of around the hips and thighs. I had tried using Timmy the Tapeworm for a while but then I accidentally turned into Calista Flockhart and got a hit primetime show. I played the role of Ally McBeal, until I turned sideways and disappeared forever.

Summer has arrived at long last. It is a perfect time to pick a dandelion, go up to a friend or enemy, and say “Mama had a baby and its head POPPED off!” When you say popped, you pull the classic maneuver of shooting the flower portion into the persons face, trying to get as much as possible of the dandelion extracts up their nose. If you’re good, they will have an allergic reaction and will go to the hospital. When you go to visit them at the hospital, you can bring a bouquet of dandelions as a clever little joke. Some day, this person will learn to laugh at the incident. Perhaps the same day when you, too, are laying in a hospital bed with severe knife wounds, after the person has sought revenge. Well, you know what they say…laughter is the best medicine!

If you ever watch the Oxygen network channel, make sure you tune in around Sat or Sun at midnightish. There is this sex show with an 80 year old granny talking about dildos, herpes, and anything you could ever want to know about sex. One dude had a 2 inch cock that was bent sideways so he could bang his girl when she was sitting next to him without her knowing. The best line was when this woman called in and was talking about how her boyfriend hated wearing a condom when she gave him head, but the sex lady insisted he wear one. The woman goes “doesn’t he hate having to wear a condom?” and the sex lady goes “Wouldn’t you hate getting AIDS?” HAHAHAHA. It was about as funny as Ebola Virus. And yes, that’s pretty damn funny.

There has been a lot of quarreling with people I know about Pennsylvania vs. New Jersey. PA is obviously the better state but the Jersey mutants are apparently too “special ed” to grasp the concept. All I’m saying is I’d like to be able to swim in the ocean without getting a syringe lodged in my back. And that’s not all that’s floating around in the murky ocean waters of the Jersey beach. I’ve found plenty of dignity and self-respect that seems to wash right off the backs of NJ people. People from NJ also can’t drive. I would rather chew gravel and glass than live there. Jersey is about as good as a nuclear bomb sandwich. If any of my readers are from NJ, I hope you are offended greatly by this as your tutors read this paragraph to you, you illiterate rapscallions.

Well, my glass of iced tea awaits me. I’ll try to update this more now that I’m home for the summer. Hit up the cell phone if you wanna hang out. I will probably not pick up, because I don’t know how to answer incoming calls. Or use a phone. Or call people back. Otto will attest to this.

And yes, by iced tea, I do mean heroin.

Giddy-up…

-Zackariah

PS: i have not cut my hair since august

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."

UPDATE:

((the second pic is my hairs real color without gel...but its never that straight...i dont think i washed it for a few days actually..the 2nd pic is also what happens everytime i park at walmart.))

oh shit...finally figured out how to get pics up...expect a pic update SOON fuckface.

***You are listening to The Strokes- "12:51".***

As George Costanza would say when he regained control of his jones whilst devouring a ripe mango… "I’m Back, Baby! I’m Back!"

Much has happened since I last updated, especially considering that was about half a year ago. If you don’t consider I last updated 6 months ago, it won’t seem like much has happened to me and I hate you for that.

Back over the summer I lost my license for trying to buy alcohol for a BREW-ha-ha with the friends. As Christ would have it, the jokes, chuckles, guffaws, snickering, snickers bite-sized minis, milky ways, butterfingers, fingers of butter, and giggles would be at my expense, and not the expense of the Brew at the Brew-ha-ha, which was quite expensive. Ha-haaaaa yes it was. A pretty penny it costed. After being turned down by the distributor, me and a friend got jumped by an undercover Jew (cop) on the way out. After taking a tranquilizer to the cranium, I was hunted down, as though I were a Nazi and this was his way of getting even for being forced by his mom to go to summer camp. By summer, I mean concentration. And by mom, I mean Hitler. I ended up getting slapped with a good old $300 fine and a bad old 3 month loss of license, which was a lot worse than the fine. And my mom slapped me an open-faced palm square on the mandible for good measure, as well. Except her hand was closed into a fist.

…and there was a bottle of mace in it.

…and it wasn’t my mom, but an elderly Granny Smith whom I’d assaulted ironically for her bag of Granny Smith apples. Please christ, gas me to death.

It’s-a me, Mama Cass! And that’s one too many ham sandwiches for me! I couldn’t CHOKE down another if I tried!!!

I learned stickshift over the summer and it’s 666X more fun & addictive than automatic. The most fun part is when you’re stopped on a really steep hill. You really need to gun the engine and kick out the clutch at the right time or you’ll roll backwards in a real hurry! In any case, the people behind you get a good laugh and a good-sized dent on their hood. After I got my license back a week ago, there’s nothing better than to drive around aimlessly for hours listening to Eric Clapton. Eric used to be addicted to cocaine. If there are any young, easily impressionable kids reading this, it doesn’t get much cooler than coke, guys. If you’re looking to make some new friends and gain popularity in a quick period of time, this is a surefire hit. Also check out heroin, kamikaze piloting, or deep sea diving without scuba gear or a snorkel. Or a soul. I am a pisces.

College has been great again this year & I met a lot of awesome folks. One night me and a friend got into a peanut butter fight with 2 girls. We ended up going through my entire Plus-sized jar of PB and I was covered head to toe in the stuff. The worst to get out was in the hair and especially in the ears. It helped I couldn’t see or breathe from any orifices on my face to boot. I spent well over an hour in the shower. To help get it off quicker, I even ate some of it. After a while of eating, I formed an equation based on the results: Triple Heart attack + Lung collapse + acquiring diabetes (–) one of 9 lives= never tasted so good!

After I realized I couldn’t get all the peanut butter off no matter how much I scrubbed, I glazed a layer of jelly onto my body and ate myself.

I was good.

Me, otto and banas made up a combined xanga site which ill try to update once in a while, but I’ll still be doing this one mainly. The address is www.xanga.com/strangerswithcandy911 Good times for all! Beware…we’re a bunch of sick smuts and everything you read is probably offensive or racist since banas hates indians and otto is a white supremacist. HA!

Tis good to be home for break and makin my own grilled cheeses constantly at will. December 26^th = Florida for 2 weeks, so hang out with my now while you can, you fucks.

Oh yeah, and Party at Mike’s house tomorrow night. Come and bring as many people as possible because his parents aren’t home and will never find out until they come back and find Mike’s illegitimate kids smuggling their rotisserie chicken off at the black market.

I’ve been eating the Early Bird Special a lot lately. In order to do this, you must first become 67 years old. Then you have to eat dinner at 4:30 the latest. Like many old people, you need to steal napkins, salt dispensers, and silverware (but not copperware) in your coat jacket. The early bird gets the worm they say. What more incentive to eat early than a gross worm? Stupid bird.

People are really salty during the holiday season. Many of the frantic, bastard shoppers that are rude would benefit well from a barrage of punches to the brain. I call these people Crankenstein’s.

Well, I’ll be off to visit family in Florida the day after X-mas. It should be fun but we’re visiting grandparents so one can only imagine the wet ‘n wild action that will ensue on new years eve. If I play my cards right, I should be kissing a 78 year old named Gertrude when the ball drops. Hopefully she will still be awake.

…and alive L

Merry Christmas, kids!

Music: Mother-Pink Floyd

Dave Matthew’s new solo album "Some Devil" is awesome but I overplayed it like a cooter scooter.

PS: I like alcohol and here’s why! A few weeks ago I was drunk and came stumbling into the bathroom. I needed to unleash furiously and I wasn’t even watching where I aimed. I hit a sharp angle on the urinal and it ricocheted right into my eye. It was great. IT DIDN’T BURN SEVERELY AT ALL IN ANY WAY! When people talk about burning during urination, I just say ‘ill bet you never pissed in your eye, schmidty.’ And then I noose myself.

*-….Peaaaaaace….-*

-Zackariah

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, "Hey, I’m Vine Man."

July 7, 2003

Hrm…maybe it’s about that time that I update.

Summer’s been slammin so far. The sun finally came around the past few weeks and I’ve been outside everyday in a twisted attempt to acquire melanoma skin cancer as quickly as possible. Sizzle Pop. Sssssss. That’s the sound of bubble gum chewing and then my skin being burned. Cooch.

Summer. It’s that time of the year when romance blossoms from a tiny bud into an enormous man-eating Venus Flytrap. When there’s that special someone on your mind, the skies are bluer, the grass is greener, and if you get in a fight over a girl, you barely even notice that black eye the other guy gave you. That's because your eye is swollen shut though. He really slugged you one there, buddy. Ok enough….....I like girls. Especially in the summer. YumJ

Eat Grilled Cheeses. Non-stop. For added flavor, dip them in ketchup. But not catsup. I don’t know what catsup is and I don’t want to.

Work hasn’t been too bad. The kids are annoying at times, especially considering you’re not allowed to physically hit them or kill them…legally. Ha-HA! The law’s never stopped me before…One of the kids today said I looked like a wolf…thanks fuckface, you just landed yourself a spot in permanent timeout. Sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve been compared to my wolf brethren. The hair has been getting crazily long and curlier, and I’m too lazy to shave any more than once or twice a week. You’d think after shaving for about 6+ years, I’d have it mastered by now, but I haven’t had one shaving session where I haven’t ended up bleeding profusely and going to the ER. Also, I’ve grown a layer of gray-ish white fur, walk on all fours, and hunt with actual wolves for food.

4^th of July was fun. Lit a few fireworks, almost blew up one into someone’s house. Smoke bombs are cool, especially the ones with different colored smoke. Smoke bombs that spew shrapnel or napalm out probably aren’t really smoke bombs. Probably. Last week I took a roadtrip with B-town rat pack, aka k-row, dave, my, and joe (who ended up not goin) to philly for alcohol. Good times were had by all. Much air guitar was played. Colt 45 is a manly drink. Funnelling is the best way ever to drink alcohol. Except for grain alcohol. Or rubbing alcohol. Or acid. Don’t drink that. I like funnel cake…

With extra powdered sugar.

Grad parties have been insane for the young children these days. Mass drunkenness lately with friends is the way to go. Karaoke is more fun than you think. Just kidding, it’s not. Unless you’re drunk. Get fucked up!

Rita’s new Citrus Blast is refreshing. I would like to bang Rita several times for making this flavor.

Many beach trips are in order. Seaside with otto, mike, their 2 friends chris and dustin, and pleeeeenty of babes…July 18^th weekend. I expect to be retarded from Friday to Sunday nonstop. Then Ocean City and Wildwood in August. Hottness. Boogie boarding, boardwalk, beach, babes, banana boat spf 4 dark tanning oil lotion, bikinis, blasting AC, bacardi & beer pong, bottles filled with sand, building castles. Bulimia. No not bulimia at all. They all start with B and describe the beach! Dr. Seuss I am not. Sue me, Sally.

If you get a jellyfish sting at the beach, have a friend urinate on you to relieve the burning sensation (which might also be gonorrhea). Or if you’re clever, find a hot girl and pretend you got stung. Watch as she strips down in front of you and take pictures! Hilarity ensues! You can’t lose, champ! Except at life.

Ping-Pong is a fun game. Ping-pong is also a fun name. Watch japanese people play it professionally. Those fuckers are no joke.

Enjoy the summer with your friends…be careful, don’t drink and drive, have fun, relax, make a hammock, sip a lemonade, raspberry snapple or long island iced tea, swim. Goes by quick… "being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up…these are the best days of our lives."

Musical Moods: Whitesnake is awesome. "Is this love" or "Still of the Night" are excellent choices. Also…

"When I see you smile"-Bad English

"I can’t fight this feeling"- REO Speedwagon

"Save it for later"-English Beat

"Sister Christian"-Night Ranger

"Coming Home"-Cinderella

-anything by Def Leppard, Pink Floyd, Zeppelin…your basic classic rock

-80’s music, of course…too much to name.

…and one more to fall asleep to…. "Long Goodnight"—by The Get-up Kids

Leave some summer lovin. Peace.

June 18

what a crazzzzy nite. went over ash's with otto. hung out for a while with her, court, sara, and todd. cool kids. ash and sar ended up getting combined 4 pts in 2 games of quoits. in the second game i was nervous they might come back when the score was 20-3. intense. after we all walked to the park where the ladies were pretty dominant in basketball, except for the whole dominant part. kids put cans on their bikes to make machine gun sounds while riding. they are cool. i'll be that cool one day. just watch. i wanna ride my bike, but its broken. damnit. then we walked back and ash and court became siamese twins and were telling disgusting siamese jokes like how some siamese twins are born facing each other having sex. GROSS. hhahaha then me, otto and ash went to wendys. i never laughed so hard in my life. david the gnome made a guest appearance, and we caused a couple to get a divorce. ash's straw snapping made everyone lose their hearing permanently. ash wasn't loud at all. not by a longshot. we ran into court again later at a quick walmart stop. ash rode a bike around the entire store. otto kicked a time bomb and broke it in front of about 20 shell-shocked customers. court sprayed perfume body spray directly into my mouth. thanks i cant taste food at all ever again. the touchdown dance was hott. a couple of 80 year old men were boning literally at it. wow, fun nite..finally feels like summer is beginning. peaace hotties.

music: ataris..alkaline trio

~zackariah