I've been thinking a lot lately.  Stressing about life.  Worrying about the future.  Turning things over in my mind.  It seems like I always get this way when I come home for break.  I'm happy to be here, but I'm feeling a little cramped, trapped, and more than a little like a bum, so I think it's about time for a rant.  A whining rant.  I'm good at that kind of stuff.  So, if you don't want to hear it, just don't read it.  You've been warned.  Here it goes:

"I don't know what I want to do with my life."  I told Jade that on the phone tonight.  I know I don't need to know quite yet, but I still worry about it sometimes.  I've never been very good at being decisive.  I enjoy my art and GD courses, but I'm just not sure I'd make a very good graphic designer.  I really feel inferior in that area sometimes.  I just don't know.

I found out a couple of months ago that my cousin, the one I'd have to say is just about my favorite, left his wife and 3 young children and decided that he's gay.  Out of all my cousins, he is the one I would have said definitely had a good relationship with God.  All of his kids are in elementary school or younger. I'm praying that God will change his heart, but I just don't understand.

I found a picture on Facebook the other night of another cousin who is only ten months older than me drinking from a beer bong.  In case you can't do the math, he's underage.  It hurts me so much to see my extended family falling into this kind of stuff.  It's the same thing with a lot of my old public school friends.  It's tearing me up to see the things that some of them are into.  The way they dress, the partying, the alcohol.  I guess it doesn't really surprise me, but it hurts me to see it.  I just want it to go away.

I don't think my church is going to last much longer.  Every time I come home, it's smaller than it was on my last visit.  The youth group is gone.  My brother and I are the only "youth" who come anymore, as far as I know.  This Sunday is our pastor's last one here.  The part that hurts me the most, though, is that I remember when our church was thriving.  I don't think it was always the cold place that it seems to be now.  This Christmas is going to kill me.  I remember when our "Ormas Family Christmas" meant the children's Christmas program followed by smiles and laughter passing out all the gifts stacked under the Christmas tree.  We used to be a family.  I just don't know how it got to be this way.

I can't afford Cedarville.  I guess not a whole lot of people really can.  I've never really been one to worry about money.  I don't have much trouble leaving money things up to God, but sometimes it's just hard not having very much.  There is so much I want to be able to give to my family, my friends, myself.  Every now and then I get just a little bit jealous of the people who can afford to just go on a cruise or buy a new car.  In all reality, though, I can't complain because I know all the frivilous things I spend my own money on.  So, on my list of things to do: learn to manage money.  We'll just have to see how that one goes.

My devotional life basically sucks (and if you know me, you know that I do not use that word lightly) right now.  Add to that my prayer life and my spiritual walk in general.  I'm sinking into habits that I thought had been overcome, continuing in ones I knew I was still struggling with, and letting old ways of thinking settle in my mind again.  Satan has brought back an old self-esteem problem that used to have me litterally shaking my head to get rid of thoughts that were almost physically painful.  It's not that it's so terribly serious as that this time around, but I do need just a little prayer on that one.

Procrastination plagues me, as always.  I have all kinds of things due when we come back from break, and, as usual, I'm not exactly sure when they're all due.  Still, I can't quite bring myself to do them, so feel no sympathy for me when I come back complaining about all that I have left to do.  I know what a slacker I am.  I just need to figure out how to change that.

I watched a few chick flicks this weekend.  A good way to get away from things, but a sure-fire way, as they say, to cause a single girl to wish, if only for a few minutes, that she had a boyfriend.  Sometimes it's kind of depressing.  I always tell people that I'm content in my singleness, and I am....most of the time.  I love my friends, and I'm pretty sure I could go on living with them like this for a long time, but, crap, things change.  In a few years we'll be going our separate ways.  I hope we stay in touch, but we may not.  I need to be satisfied with who I am, with or without the relationships I have.....or don't have.  My happiness absolutely cannot depend on things like that.  That's one reason I'm pretty sure I'm not "attached" right now.  God knows I'm not ready like I need to be.  I get that, but there are some times when you just wish, you know?

Anyway, that's what's on my mind.  A lot, yeah?  I know.  My brain wasn't quite big enough for it all.  That's basically why I typed it out.  So I could look at it.  See it all at once.  Maybe see how it fits together?  Maybe I subconsciously wanted a little sympathy as well, but I realize that I'm not the only one with problems.  What I really would like, if you think of it, is a quick prayer for one or two of these things.  Especially if you can relate to any of them.  Say a prayer for the both of us.  You and me.  No advice, please.  No, "I'm sorry for what you're dealing with."  That really won't help me, but a prayer will.  In fact.  No comments about this post at all, please.  Fin.

I Heart Games: Capoeira Fighter 3 - Ang and I are in love with this game, but she kicks my butt at it.  "Hey!  James does Tapioca!"

Crimson Warfare - Stockwell told me about this one a while ago, and I just found it and played through it the other night.  It's pretty short and not too difficult, but it's still fun. 

Wonderful World of Ebay: Oh, no, He-Man Overalls - Some people have no shame.  Make sure you take a look at the back, too.  Hmm...I wonder why they didn't sell?

Site of the Night: CamKaraoke - Fred Marshall.  What a guy.  He sings karaoke.  To his webcam.  At his computer desk.  Sometimes in costume.  Achy Breaky Heart is a fav. What a guy.

Oh, my.  That will have to be all.  This post is long.  But the links are good.  At least some.  Trust.  End.

It is very early.  I am very tired.  Mountain Dew is my friend.

Please pray for me, people.  This week is going to be death and a half.

Announcement: Bang, Bang You're Dead opens on Thursday night at 8 pm.  I command you to come see it.  Then.  Or on Friday or Saturday at the same time.  It's going to be intense.  Don't believe me?  Watch our promo.

I'm looking forward to finally performing this sucker.  Practice has been fun, but getting out there in front of people in costume, under the lights and communicating with an audience is what it's all about.  Besides, what I really want is my life back.  The first thing I'm going to do is.....SLEEP.

Don't forget to pray and don't forget to come.

Much love to my beautiful friends,
Rachel "Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?" Roberts