Currently Watching Apocalypse Now - The Complete Dossier (Two-Disc Special Collector's Edition) By Apocalyspe Now see related

The end.

I write to say it is over. I have burned my last bridge and cut the last rope. I don't know what will happen in mock trial and honestly I don't care. I have given my notice and severed my remaining tie with the homeschooling community. It bothers me not at all.I still have one or two friends left, old friends who know me as I am, not as I appear, and that is enough for me. I will not go to the banquet or the prom (though I hope that you all go and have a great time) I will not be in the yearbook and I will never be welcomed again, and I am content with that. I said before that every choice has a price, and this was the price of my choice. If any of you know my brother and parents, do not be angered at them for they are not in this battle, this war. I am, I have learned, cursed. Cursed to walk in all walks of life but never to be at home in any. I am unique, apologies for the arrogance. I am too much the rebel, too much the independent to be a good homeschooler. Too little involved in popular culture for public or private school. Too much the seeker of knowledge and understanding for this world. I am my worst enemy, my best friend, and my greatest advocate (devil's or the more normal kind). I am simply, myself. Whole and indivisible. I may break in time, but I never bend.

I have no doubt that most of you in mock trial hate me by now, and do not doubt that our next meeting will be frigid at best and outright hostile at worst. I wish it had been different. We, the teenagers, are not enemies but friends. But my religion, politics, world-view, style, and speech habits mark me as different. I suffered the best and worst years of my life so far with you all. I was nearly driven to suicide because of the lack of people who would be true friends with me. Friends with me even if I was a crazy liberal papist. I found a few and so I live today. I weep and pray that you could see as I see but I doubt it will ever happen. I accept the wrath that I have brought down upon me. Oh! It is a shame indeed! I would wish it differently but it was going to be this way no matter what I did, for I did much. I learned all the arts of a diplomat, subtlety, compromise, and conciliation. I fought with everything I had for a place and it took 4 years for me to be somewhat left alone. I am weary. I have battles that will take place over decades coming and so I have no time for this battle. I have found the peace that was denied me in the world and found true friends at last. And looking at what I have left, never to return, I find it amazing that I ever tried to stay there. My friend Matt will say I am being emo. right now. Perhaps. But this is my last post, my closing statement for the defense. The real me will disappear from memory, replaced with whatever is need to make me look an evil foe. I can't stop that, I merely foretell it. But I take this as small comfort, that I was a defender of those like me in the homeschooling world, as Will and Thad were before me. And I know that someday there will be another one like us, I  hope that he reads this so he can learn of the price for his choice.

Enough, Zack, enough. Your time is ending and the opposition must have their rebuttal. Finish it and sit down, you have earned no rest, only more strife.

"Ladies and gentleman of the jury, this trial has occupied but a few years of your life. When this is over, you will go back to your homes and, in time, forget about all this. But your decision here today will effect the lives of everyone in this court room. I am confident that after you review the evidence and consider the testimony you will do the right thing, whatever that might be. Thank you."

Signed,

Zack the Mercenary, Lover and Agent of Chaos, Servant to a higher power, Rebel, Roman Catholic, Liberal, Moral Pragmatist, Humanist, Philosopher, Last of the Mock Trial  team "Mother of Pearl", Winner of Three Attorney of Excellence Awards, Loser of Most Cases, and, simply, Me.

The End 

Rejoice not against me o mine enemy...

I, and my team and Ms. Capley, have been shamefully treated. I shall not name the man who did it, but some (indeed, most) of you know him. He has hurt my teammates, my FRIENDS. He has hurt Ms. Capley, my FRIEND. And he has hurt me, both by his actions directed toward me and toward my teammates. I am simply to angry to say much more then this, there will be payment. I have given this man more leeway then he deserves. I have always treated him with the courtesy and respect that I would show to my best friend or worst enemy. I have excused his evils and allowed him to do to me and mine what I would not do to the worst person on earth. No more. It ends. He has crossed a line that he cannot step back over. I shall do no evil to him, though he richly deserves it, and I shall not lower myself by resorting to the kinds of tricks that he has used. But for all things there is a price. I might not win against him, but someone will. I might not treat him in the manner he has treated me, but someone will. And when he is done by as he has done to others I shall be avenged, but I doubt I shall care overmuch. He is tiny, every mote and atom of him is defined by this smallness, this BASENESS of character. Say no more Zakk, deny your anger for it weakens you, and you cannot be weak if you hope to do great things.

Rejoice not against me o mine enemy. When I fall, I shall arise. When I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be as a light unto me...

ZJPR the Mercenary

Collapsed lung to collapsed lung and ashes to ashes...

It has been over long since I updated and I had hoped that this would be a lighthearted update in my traditional style, alas it is not, but it is full of news.

Part 1:

My lung collapsed on January 2nd at my place of work. One minute I am helping a customer, the next I feel like I am having a heart attack, muscle cramp, and getting punched in the lung. Perhaps it would have been wise of me to stop selling stuff but those of you who know me will understand why it took a further 10-15 minutes for me finally to stop and go to the break room, the reason is I am stubborn. I went to the break room and sat down, it still hurt. I stood back up, it hurt more. I lay down, still hurt, but I a little less. So it was in this somewhat undignified position that my boss found me. She took one look at me and said "You need to go home, your lips are as white a sheet of paper.". So I called my dad and he picked me up. For about 5 seconds we thought about just going home and seeing what happened, then I realized that since I was having trouble breathing that it might be a good plan to at least visit a doctor. After an incredibly fast wait in the at my local clinic I was shown to the doctor, an Xray was taken and I was told, with no preamble, "You have a collapsed lung, go to the hospital.". So I went. I walked in and was instantly put into a wheelchair and trundled about until they procured an exam room. After what seemed like 10 hours but was in reality 30 minutes, 4 nurses and 2 doctors walked in, gave me some morphine (nasty stuff, it burned) and something to make me forget what was about to happen, (it obviously didn't work) and then, fast as lightning, I found them cutting a hole in me and sticking a tube in. I should at this point say that I am afraid of (irrationally afraid of I should say, I have no fondness for ticks but I can deal with it) only two things: Heights and stuff going into or coming out of my body. Picture what you THINK my reaction would have been at having a tube in my chest. Me going crazy? Ripping it out? Attacking a nurse? Wrong. I was actually quite interested in the whole thing, the chest tube going in was (surprisingly) the best part of the hospital visit. The worst part was a tossup between the food (everything you have heard doesn't even come CLOSE) and the fact that I was forced to wake up every 2 hours. As it takes me about 1 hour to GET to sleep this was quite unpleasant. The nurses where the best part of the whole thing. Upbeat, happy, convivial, and attentive, what more could man want? I had one or two friends from work over in addition to Ethan and we had pizza. Right after they left (Ethan was still there I think) I threw up and they gave me some of the fastest acting medicine I have ever had. One second I am sitting there nauseated, the next I am OUT. After 5 days I was released and staggered home.

Part 2:

Two days after I got back from the hospital I was talking on the phone with Matt when I felt a familiar feeling in my chest. You guessed it, second collapsed lung. I went back to the hospital, got the  same nurses, the same doctors, and the same exam room. This time they said they would do surgery and the next thing I know I am waking up in excruciating pain, some jerk had decided not to give anything before I came out of it. I was put on the same floor as last time and in the room opposite my last room. I will say little of this hospital stay as it was one of the worst experiences in my life. After a further 5 days I was again released to the comfort of my home. I got home and then nearly passed out while taking a shower, threw up, and was carried (yes, carried) to the couch. It turns out three really bad things had happened while I was in the hospital: 1. I lost 10% of my body weight. 2. I got a severe stomach virus and diarrhea. and 3. I got acid reflux, hence the throwing up. Long story short, I nearly starved to death. My mom was about to call for a feeding tube until I started to get better. The less said about that week the better for all.

Part 3.

This will be brief, for obvious reasons.

My Grandfather died on Sunday night, he had eaten dinner with us and then went home. He died in his sleep. My parents found him after they called and hadn't heard from him. I had just left Mock Trial when my dad called, he wouldn't say what was wrong but he kept saying he needed me home, right then I knew someone had died.

Thank you for all the sympathetic thoughts that you might wish to leave about the losing of someone really close but please don't, this may seem rude but at the moment I don't care and I am sure if you have ever lost someone you understand why I ask this.

I close with a line that I am sure that I will soon be hearing more then I want.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Z

I ache...

Ohhhhhhhh, my BODY. Work has been rather exhausting. Good news is I might get to work in the furniture department. Bad news is Staples has to hire at least 2 more cashiers for  me to do that. The people at  Staples are AWESOME! The cashiers (myself included) are faster then lightning, more convivial then drunken Irishmen, and able to answer a ringing phone, do a check or purchase order (those are the hardest), and make lighthearted banter with 6 customers. The copy center people are busier even then us poor cashiers. They have to be freaking every where! I SHOULD make this a bigger update, but as I said in the title, I ache............

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

HAPPY HANUKAH!!!!

BAWDY NEW YEAR!!!!

RAUCOUS ROSH HOSH HANNA!!!!

VIVACIOUS VALENTINES DAY!!!!

Z the Overly Festive Mercenary

Oh, they are SO going to call me an agnositic!

You really will, or at least SOMEONE will. Most of you might just think it. But still, this is an interesting subject and I feel that it would be fun to see peoples responses on it.

On the nature of Will and Intervention.

Why are people lucky? Why do people who pray usually get what they pray for? Why do people who believe in themselves overcome incredible odds? Why in short does the improbable happen not only occasionally but regularly?

I submit that there are only four explanations, and two of them are boring.

Reason One: God intervenes in this world when we ask him. The only question is, why sometimes as opposed to others?

Reason Two: We MAKE our own luck.

Reason Three: Everything is random anyway so it all evens out.

Reason Four: A combination of one and two.

As I can't explain why God does what he does reason one is boring to me and since I don't believe in random chance, reason three is also boring. But the remaining two are interesting...

I shall address the one about making luck first as it is by far the most interesting from a scientific standpoint.

We are all connected, everything that is was and shall be is connected. Right now I am breathing in air that has been around for about 6 billion years. ( I swear to GOD that if a single person sidetracks about the age of the earth and such like I will string them up by their thumbs and throw an electron microscope, a copy of Dr. Steven Hawking's book, a few highly technical scientific papers explaining plate tectonics, all the fossil evidence of prehistoric life, and a core of ice drilled from the north pole that with uranium decay indicates the age of the earth at the person in question. Hopefully there will be at most one person who does this as I doubt I could get all that stuff twice.) I might have a few atoms in me that were in the body of Gaius Marius or perhaps a few bits of Newton or really anyone from about the 18th century onward. And in this world our body's are always in contact with really EVERYTHING. Our mind and will, however, are not to be found in protons and neutrons. Our mind and our will exist with never a physical indication of their reality except when we use our body to make what we think or desire a reality. What if our can manifest itself without the need of our body? What if by a concentration on willpower you can move an atom here, a molecule there and set a favorable train of events in motion? I believe this accounts for a lot of what we humans call luck, favorable events caused by the application of  sheer willpower. Let me give an example:

I received my first attorney of excellence award in 2004. I, to this day, still don't think I won it by talent or brilliance or even hard work (the Toomes and Ethan might recall this last fact). Up until I actually got into the trials and saw what kind of into the fight, as it were, I was facing I had sat down every night and just THOUGHT "I WILL win an attorney of excellence award.". All through the trials, even though I wasn't doing so hot, I was repeating that thought over and over. After I won the award I go to look at the score sheets, I had come second in every case but ONE (Ethan had beaten me out in all the others, he deserved to also.). There were at least 10 other attorneys who could have and should have gotten my award, but they didn't. Why? Because I wanted it so much MORE. Don't get me wrong they wanted it too, but I had though of little else, DREAMED of little else. My will was focused purely on that award, and because of this I won. My will reached out into the future and the present and influenced events to aid me.

This is by no means a singular happening, mothers who see their child trapped under a car do things that their bodies SHOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO DO. Caesar was known for his luck, but he HIMSELF said that a great man MAKES his own luck, what else could he mean except what I have outlined?

I have much more to say but I shall wait until I see some comments and update as required.

Zakk the "Lucky" Mercenary

Edit: As I promised, after hearing (rather READING) the comments I am updating in an attempt to clarify my views.

To Nate, I echo what Kyle said and further I point out that if you are attacked by 22 people who all stab you at least once (and most of them soldiers to some degree) then your will to live is not an issue. You may WANT to live but it would be utterly impossible if you have a mortal wound. It has been said that instead of trying to run away from, or even fight, his attackers Caesar turned what remained of his mind and will to dying with dignity. He pulled a fold of his toga pratexta over his head so that his enemies would not see his dying breath and he covered his legs as well. Caesar's was, and remains, the greatest of all romans. Even Gaius Marius was less then Caesar, but death can't be stopped forever and Caesar's death was almost a forgone conclusion (he was, after all, in his late sixties by this time.) Forgive the length of this part but NO ONE messes with Caesar while I am around, he is my main (ro)man!

To Mrs. S, True the will of a mother is MUCH stronger then mine when the life of her child is on the line but it amounts to the same thing, that from sheer willpower the preternatural becomes possible, even probable.

To Abby, Will wonders never cease? You AGREEING with me on this? It MUST be a good idea in that case!

To Kyle, My PERSONAL feeling in this matter is that God rarely intervenes in earthly matters that are directly measurable, and that he prefers to give us the abilities and talents that are needed to solve any given problem. Is this to say that God doesn't intervene in the world? No, merely that he likes us to figure it out for ourselves with out constantly whining about or need of help or lack of ability. (I say this KNOWING I am going to piss at least one person off) And am I saying that God CAN'T intervene in the world? ABSOLUTELY NOT! As to me having the talent to win, I beg to differ, I was NOT good enough. I know this from the evidence of my own eyes and from an unbiased set of eyes, namely Thad's. I was just not good enough in talent but my will was second to NONE in my desire to get that award, so I pushed fate a little. The future CAN be altered and I think that by a strong enough desire to do so, it is. It was willpower that has given me every strength that I know posses, I had the material (and in some cases not even that) but I had to MAKE it happen. Willpower is the only necessary ability to better oneself, intelligence can be improved, wisdom learned, and charisma obtained but not with out WILL. I am not the best at really anything, never have been, and I usually start out by a loss so horrific that I get REALLY angry with me. This anger at my failing makes me want to be better and so I use every ounce of willpower and conquer the obstacle.My talents? Not the best. My willpower, unstoppable.