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Monday, November 10, 2008

8:23 am...

Mood: i don't wanna go to class!
Music: pencil scratching at paper.

I've had the worst weekend. EVER. Long and tedious; I spent all Saturday and Sunday working on my Sociology paper-I'm mostly done. It's due tomorrow and I'm stressing it but I think I might be worrying unnecessarily. I reviewed an article on the 'looking glass effect,' by Charles Horton Cooley, that theorizes that ego (a person) can have her self-conception changed by alter (a group or others) through internalizing the alters views. There are other points to that, but for the most part, I just wrote about internalization and how gender and status affect the process. But the researchers of the article had at least eleven hypotheses and I'm unsure if I should mention them all or not. I really, really, really don't want to (sitting in front of my computer screen for forty-eight hours straight not only strained my eyes but gave me a headache.)

Not only is that stressing me but I have a group paper due on Friday about Japan's involvement in WWII and the use of the atomic bomb, arguing whether we are for or against. I have to stay after class with some of my fellow group member to work on it-we haven't even finished the second paragraph and there has to be six. They keep telling me it's no big deal (and maybe it isn't) but at the rate I'm going I'm bound to have some premature gray hair sprouting out of my head.

Thank god I dye it. Ooh, and Sophia, you've inspired me. I've wanted to dye my hair brown for so long but I've never been too keen on it, only thinking red would flatter my skin tone. But I think I'm going to try it; I hope that it doesn't seem like I'm just copying you, to much poorer effect. I just thought you looked so pretty with your dark brown hair, though I'd have to go with something light, but it really flattered your skin, illuminating it. I've always just wondered...

Anyways, sorry to rant and run, but my class starts at nine and it's already eight thirty-five and I still have to walk across campus.

*edit*

Unfortunately for xanga, it did not receive the pleasure that is my company last night because I was busy finishing my paper that is due today, at twelve thirty.

Good news is that I, along with my group, made remarkable progress in writing our joint paper. We've basically finished it but there is still critiquing to do though that will come Wednesday.

I think the rest of the week will be a little less hectic since I'm not worry as much. I'll give in the paper for soc today and then I'll forget about it; such is my want.

Friday doesn't seem like it could possibly come any faster. Or is it slower? Friday's can be incredibly obstinate.

I'm feeling much better; I want to start working out again but I haven't really gotten over my cold yet so I have to wait, otherwise exercising will only deplete my immune system further. Funny, that. Working out is supposed to help raise your immune system, because you're relieving stress. But then, I suppose, that really only works if you are eating healthy and get enough sleep as well. Neither of which had I been doing before I got sick. 'Tis my own fault.

Well I need to, class and such awaits.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

12: 24 pm...

Mood: I don't even know.
Music: 'Childish' by Damien Rice.

My emotional torment has humbled me, yet again, as I find myself on my knees.

There is so much going on inside me and yet nothing at all. I find it hard to describe and yet I am perfectly content to let my emotions rage inside of me and allow music to soothe me. Damien Rice speaks to my soul, caresses it, calms it, as simplistic and childish as that sounds.

Emotionality is a difficult aspect of myself that I have to deal with. It's kind of a like a flood of tastes on the tip of my tongue, anger tart and acrid, sadness bitter, happiness sweet with a salty tinge. The deluge of all I feel spurns me, and I am repelled by the whirring of these emotions inside of me.

The house has this stormy, gray appeal to it that I love. I can sparsely see the red maple tree in the front yard when I glance outside the window. It reminds me of my mood; grayness with a irrevocably red brightness.

I don't know how to process all these thoughts. They say time heals all, maybe time will make things easier. With age, I'll be able to adjust to these things, to time.

*edit*

I still feel an inordinate amount of sadness welling up inside of me. Thankfully my stress is keeping it at bay. Don't you just wish you could change what you've been delt, change the hand fate has chosen for you? Unless...you don't believe in fate. It is true we construct our reality; what beliefs we hold are irrelevant. I just wish that I could simply fast forward to the things I desire, the things I know will bring me the most happiness. Or, at best, the most relief. Fulfillment. Or satisfaction. But the bad has its seasons, though bittersweet, it is still a blessing.

To change the hands of time, would that bring me to completion? Would I consider myself whole? And at what point would I realize that all that I've worked for, all that I've wanted and what I've prayed for, would have never come into being? Could I live with myself then?

Too little answers, too many questions. Finite time.

I console myself with the thought that everything will be ok. That everything will turn out for the best. That I am not alone. Not alone. Not anymore. And yet...

To completely understand another, to be completely understood, would leave one bare and vulnerable, and there is no way in determining and ensuring that one has completely attain understanding at all. To be assured of that would be a delicate misunderstanding in and of itself.

It would never happen.

Hence, the beginnings of alone, and not of lonely.

Surely things will turn out better. Perhaps the best. We live only to die another day. We'll see.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Happy Halloween to all and to all a good fright!

7:02 am...

Mood:bi-writable.
Music: 'Gasoline' by Seether.

It is a lovely Friday morning, all, and I am freezing my arse off sitting here at my kitchen table. Mostly because the heats not on, it is thirty degrees outside, and I am wearing a t-shirt. And it turns out that cold cereal for breakfast does not make the already cold setting any less cold. Hm.

I have finally come to the conclusion that I just need to get over myself and do what I want to and have fun while doing it. Starting off with going to a Halloween party!

Let me elucidate:

Lately, I have had the annoying habit of second guessing myself. Not for any particular reason other than me not feeling confident in myself. And even then I get it into my head that everyone is judging me and that they cannot possibly like me because ew.

Of course I have been assured by my boyfriend that I am clearly insane and that he loves me in spite, despite myself. Which is good because otherwise I would not know how, exactly, he loved me.

:3

But getting back to the matter at hand, I just have not felt very much like myself and so I have not been allowing myself to do the things I would like because of the intolerable feel of self-doubt.

I am stopping that now, nipping it in the butt.

I going to try to write again, and this time I am not going to frustrate myself with hopes of perfection. That will never happen and I am a perfectly capable writer. I just need to believe in myself.

Such is my allotment.

I am unsure of what to say now, I could just babble on about getting older but it feels unfair to ruin such a peaceful moment with garble.

So who is doing what where, tonight? I expect details in full.

I hope everyone has fun and stays safe!

Well unfortunately class calls and all that that implies. Like getting ready before one's mum comes downstairs and starts yelling. Not a good way to start off the day.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Saturday, October 18, 2008

11:04 pm...

Mood: hectic/busy/wonderful/nice.
Music: friends noisily babbling. it's also nice.

I've had a really good (ish) day. There, at the beginning, was a little squiffy but it worked out pretty well.

I have finally, without ado and further introduction, seen my friends. And I do not just mean a fleeting glance in their direction (brief meeting) but actually was with them all day. It was nice because I did not feel as disorientated being with them as I've done before (not seeing your friends for a while can cause you to not be 'with it' and 'in their business.')

We went to a comedy show to support a friend (all these high schoolers and their wacky shenanigans) who was a amateur stand up comedian. It was really great-he did a pretty good job himself-and a lot most of it was really funny.

Some went home but the rest of us are at Lori's house, watching SNL. Very amusing.

Earlier Joseph and I went to some different Halloween stores and at the third one John was supposed to meet us, and during a spear/sword fight between Joseph and I, John grabbed me from behind, startling me and causing me to scream. And slap him. A lot. My eyes teared up. Someone who worked at the store asked me if I was alright. Beautiful.

Played some Halo. I can totally almost kind-of in a squint-your-eyes way kick someones arse. I'm evenly matched when the matches are, er, lemme see, easy...? I am triumphant only when the other person has the same weapon as myself. Throw in grenades, rockets, and different vehicles and guns, I SUCK!

Especially playing against my guy friends (so really, the only ones who play video games.) They have less of a life than me. Or maybe more. After they do their school work-supposedly-they fool around with their joysticks and have the time of their lives. Maybe. But in a totally not sexual way.

Even when they are being sexual, it's not sexual. :3

Well I'm heading off, I want to spend some more time laughing (with, or at) my friends and enjoying the time I have left this weekend.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

4:51 pm...

Mood: headache-y and tired.
Music: none.

My math homework told me to only use positive exponents. Does that mean the negative exponents are hard to work with? Do they have a bad attitude? Don't do well in social settings?

Some things have such ambiguity to them it is amazing that anyone can understand anything.

Another day in paradise. Today wasn't so bad. Mostly how Wednesday tends to be: care free and fun-lovin'.

I've been writing a lot to keep my mind occupied. It helps that I've had extremely interesting days.

We talked about language in humanities today. Referred to some slang (hey shorty!) and jargon (we're off to the races,) but I think I liked the dialect portion better. See (I'm going off the assumption that not everyone knows what it means) dialect is mostly regional. You grow up in a certain place, Boston for example, and naturally you're going to pick up on certain things, not only the accent, but the way they speak. Where I live they say things I've never heard used before when I lived in Canada. For instance, when saying 'Turn off the light' one might say 'Cut the light off' or if you were to say 'I'm getting ready to go to the grocery store' one might say instead 'I'm fixin' to go to the grocery store.'

Interesting things like that.

It's really a non-issue though. My humanities teacher said that it can create confusion because, if you move or visit another place with different dialects, sometimes you can be lost and unable to make out anything anyone is saying to you. Since I'm Canadian I say 'washroom' whereas others who were born here would say 'restroom.' People didn't know what I was referring to but as soon as I explained they thought it was cute. Funny, that.

Well I'm fixin' to go work out. I haven't during this past week except for Monday and even then I didn't do all that I usually do.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sociologist say that your dramaturgy is showing.

5:05 pm...

Mood: Ugh!
Music: 'Spotlight' by Jennifer Hudson.

Usually I don't like to be overly dramatic (right) but yesterday and today have to be some of the worst days I have all semester. It felt like everything thing that could have gone wrong did Monday morning. Though my humanities teacher did point out that I was still here so then, obviously, everything hadn't gone wrong.

Pfft, a minor triumph.

Mind, I didn't say that out loud.

Though I ought to have.

It did get better, thankfully, but this morning was adding insult to injury I swear. After awhile though I just left it alone. Can't change things like that, why bother complain?

Yes I know that is exactly what I'm doing right now. Shuddurp.

I've been handling stress with my usual candor. Exercising and writing help a lot though mostly I work out to relieve tension (something that's probably become obvious.)

Being a good student and all that mess as well. Though sometimes that even gets tiring, believe it or not. I figure if I can at least make it through Mondays, any Monday at all, I'll be golden. The rest of the week I don't have any qualms with. Tuesdays are friendly, Wednesdays good-natured, Thursdays are lovable and Fridays are frisky.

We're all generally companions. Mondays just have to be so temperamental.

And cats are so hedonistic. And mine is sitting on my mouse. And molesting my laptop. Really, he might as well being giving my laptop and lap dance.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Sunday, September 28, 2008

2:48 pm...

Mood: trying not to stay upset.
Music: 'Love' by Matt White.

I know it is not right to talk stuff about people behind their backs but I just get so sick of some people's character flaws. And I know it's not right for me to say that, because I'm just judging what I see as flaws based on my own assumptions but really, what else can I call them? Some people are purely selfish and even when you try to help them, be kind or giving, they still make you out to be the bad guy. Now I'm not saying that I am purely a saint. I am not; I've said and done my share of things that I am not proud of (earlier, for instance) but at least I try to correct my mistakes and work on my flaws and try to become that person, that good and kind hearted, compassionate person I know I can become with some work and effort. I just get so sick of people using excuses that they can't change who they are and to not even make an effort to do anything different.

We are not born the way we are. We grow continuously and change daily. Some experiences change us for the better, and some for the worst. But even in cases where only the worst happens surely one would at least try to make the situation better for them self, right? Or am I grasping beyond my reach?

Have you ever been in a situation where you are told to be the adult? To be the responsible one and to grow up and to do something that seems way beyond your means? I have to do that all the time. I have to be the grown up, it seems, in every situation. But it's not a good position to be put in, no matter how capable of taking the responsibility or being an 'adult' you may be.

I have a lot of things that I don't do because I think they are wrong (for various reasons.) For instance, lying. I think lying is the worst thing you can possibly do, no matter what situation. I hope I don't sound self righteous but even in an extremely difficult situation you should just suck it up and be honest. Do people like the truth? No, absolutely not. But what is the point in lying to someone, really? To make you appear better than you are? To spare someones feelings? Those are just excuses that don't have a long lasting effect.

All you have is your character; your integrity. And if people can't trust that, what can they trust about you?

So being accused of lying sets me off in the worst way. I know I should try harder to control myself but I find it to be extremely difficult in that particular situation.

I am not perfect. I know I'm not but I work hard to be a good person, a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, student. Have I success in every category? NO.

I work hard in school to get grades that I feel proud and accept. I try to be there for my friends, even though I get really busy, and to help them if they have problems. I try to be a good girlfriend by listening and talking about any problems I have in my relationship. I try hard not to keep things that hurt me bottled up so that I'm miserable. I try to help my parent when they need it. I try to do my part around the house, cleaning when it's needed or even when it's not so that when I ask for something, at least I know that I'm working for it.

But because I claim all these things I should really try to be a better sister. Because I only have one. And if I want us to have any semblance of a relationship than I need to try harder. We need to try harder. We have to tolerate the differences between us and learn to hear one another even when we fight so that at least we know where the other is coming from.

Growing up has never been easy. I can't pretend to understand everything but I know that I get just as lost and confused as I have before.

Getting older isn't as fun as it's made out to be. Just means trying harder, working harder, harder, harder, harder.

Getting harder.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Thursday, September 11, 2008

8:55 am...

Mood: '90s-ish.
Music: 'Love Her' by Seether.

Gosh I wish the '90s would come back. As in, I could time travel and live in that time period. If it were to come back via fashion or the media, pop culture would surely ruin it. I'm so a '90s child.

My boyfriend phoned me last night. Talked with him four almost two hours. Had a very exciting conversation about personality and how we define (or don't define) it.

I think I've become psychic. Or he's just become predictable. When he said "I disagree" in my head I was like "Duh! Of course you do!"

I didn't say that out loud lest it become an issue.

Tomorrow is Friday! Ooh Ooh! I'm ready to disco my way home where I'll be waiting in breathless anticipation for Casey to come see me. Or I'll walk up to the library because there are some very important things I need to take care of. Namely, getting a couple of good books to keep me company during the lonely nights without him. :3

I'm beginning to understand why in movies or television shows they portray college students as party-going, sleep lacking animals. I can't help how tired I am. I try to get enough sleep but I always seem tired.

Who can't wait for Halloween!?! I'm so glad its September-that means October is sure to come! There are already Halloween stores open around town! And then there's all the stuff that's going to be on tv, all the candy that's going to out, and the costumes! And I get to go to the Haunted Corn maze and the regular corn maze with my sister and Casey! I'm so excited (if you couldn't tell from the exclamation marks!)

I have to go; I'll edit this later. Class starts in a bit, need to get ready.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat

Sunday, August 31, 2008

5:03 pm...

Mood: fine.
Music: 'Tangerine Speedo' by Caviar.

So i dyed the hair near my next, underneath fuschia. It's pretty. i also cut it short again, not that i wanted to mind you, but i had a bit of a...mishap. But i like it though i thought i looked much better with longer hair.

Schools kept me pretty busy the last week. So Sophia if you read this, i have read your e-mail an have started a reply back but have been much too busy to continue. i will try to sit down and finish the rest tomorrow though. i hope.

i had my first math test Friday. i'm going to look online to see what my grade is but i'm apprehensive. Pray for me that i at least pass. Gosh i hope so. Really really hope so.

My classes have been interesting so far. Humanities is very interesting; learning how to think critically is a lot more difficult then one would assume.

Sociology is a lot of fun. Mr. Blake, my teacher, talks a lot and veers off topic a lot but he's very intelligent and he's done and seen a lot in his life. i enjoy his class immensely.

Math isn't too bad; it's just hard for me. Always had been. i really want an A and i think with a lot of hard work, determination, and studying (not to mention praying) i'll manage to pull it off. If i can truly do it.

Alright, i'm going to look at my grade. Cross your fingers.

*looks*

Eeeeh!!! I got 81% 81/100=B

It's on a ten point scale, thankfully. i'm so glad i got a B, you don't even know!

Well i'm going to go (i've been ignoring my boyfriend for awhile so i should see how he's doing)

i hope everyone's doing well and Good Luck to you Smeagul at university! Glad to see its going well!

Lovers,
zazzykat

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

2:09 pm...

Mood: contemplative.
Music: 'All The Same' by Sick Puppies.

Lately things have seemed a little too out of wack for me. i kind of feel like my life doesn't belong to me. Like i'm here, sitting and waiting in the dark until something happens, something that shows that i have some semblance of control in my life. It's not quite unlike floating outside my own body, hovering and looking in, only things seem less than real.

As long as i keep thinking, it seems i don't get the answers i want. i can't say i have anything figured out, but i haven't figured anything out at all. The things i feel, have been feeling...its as if i'm empty and full at the same time. A heady mixture.

i feel as if i'm coming apart--but i have a good feeling about this.

Nothing will affect; i'll default to it.

i'm strong and i'll deal work through this (no one understands and that's fine. i'll make them understand.)

i'll be defiant if i have to.

Life must go on. i suppose i must as well.

Lots of love and oral fixations,
zazzykat