Ježiš Marie, I post so infrequently here that it takes me a while to figure out how to add an entry.  Why did they decide to complicate things?

So apparently there's an election coming up back in my home and native land.  I decided to find out whether I'm eligible to vote, on account that in the past two years I've spent a grand total of 23 days there.  I went to the website and there's a questionnaire to determine one's eligibility.  Question 1:

To help us determine the correct form for you, please answer the following question:

It's been a while . . .

Well, I've really neglected this site, haven't I?  I see that I still have the background from when the NHL came back from the lock-out with the new logo . . .  and three seasons have come and gone since then.  My, how time flies.

I was recently asked, "Where the heck did you go?"

Hmm, good question.  Right now I'm sitting in the living room of my flat on Americká ulice (American Street), late on a warm Sunday night, watching the Games of the XXIX Olympiad on TV and I can hear the traffic in the distance.  I can look out the window at my view of Vyšehrad and the ever-present Komerční Banka ad and it's slogan, "Můj světe.  Moje banka." (My life.  My bank.)  I just returned to the ice today for the first time since April. 

But maybe the more important question is, why the heck did I go?  Or, maybe, why did I stay?

I did go home for a month last summer.  I was really looking forward to it, but I remember thinking at the time, "I'm sure glad I'm only going back for a month, and not to stay."  I would have been so depressed otherwise.  And I really haven't changed my opinion since then.  I know my parents and my grandparents want me home.  And yes, family is important for me.  But I don't feel like there's anything else for me there.  Maybe I'll change my mind some day, but for now, here I am. 

Maybe I'm trying to scout exactly where I want to end up.  And I don't think this city is it.  I'd like to have some place where I could own a house and have a yard . . .  and dogs.  Last winter, I visited Pardubice . . .  a smallish city about an hour from Prague by train.  It's colder there, and there were people playing hockey on a frozen pond.  Yes, I thought to my self, this is closer to what I want.  But, I guess, I still need an excuse to go to a place like that.  Last year I was offered a job in Banská Bystrica, Slovakia.  The problem was the guy dragged his heels for a while and then wanted me to quickly accept an offer, before I even visited the place, so I declined.  Sometimes I wish I'd taken it.  Some people have told me I should have.  Other people not.

The girls here are pretty damn hot, but they don't seem to be built for long-term stuff.  Or maybe that's just one of the pitfalls of a relationship where to people don't have the same mother tongue.  Of course, the "stereotypical" Czech girl is a gold digger, always on the prowl for a rich foreigner.  Of course, it doesn't apply to all, but certainly to some.  What percentage, I couldn't say.  It's an interesting sociological study, though.  I could say more if you wish. 

Can I speak Czech?  Trochu (a little).  Certainly not to the extent that I would have thought after being here nearly two years . . .  I can't believe how quickly the time's gone.  Slowly but surely, though, it is getting better.  I won't bother trying to speak it here, since I don't think it would mean anything to anybody.  If any Čech or Češka wants to make a comment v češtině, I'll be happy to read it and attempt to reply in your jazyk. 

I'm not sure if I'm going anywhere with all of this right now.  Anyone is free to probe deeper into any of the topics I've brought up, or bring up entirely new ones.

Měj se krasný.

Schengen Bullshit

I don't know how many of you know about it, but on 21.12.2007 the European states of the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Poland, Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, Hungary, and Slovenia joined the Schengen Agreement.  This means that these countries are now in the border-free area in Europe. 

While it sounds good, it has created some complications, mostly pertaining to foreigners and visas.  For the past several months, a good number of the posts at expats.cz have been dedicated to figuring out what's going on, but not much has been settled.  For the most part, that site is good for cheap entertainment, mostly in the form of arguments between British and American expatriots, calling each other "limeys" and "seppos". 

I came across this tongue-in-cheek post by someone using the name "Blind2Blind" today.  I think it's a parody on a recent meeting at the US Embassy, where a Czech government official tried to "clarify" the new situation to Americans in the Czech Republic--an explanation that was, by all accounts, unfulfilling.  I found it quite amusing.  I'm sure you won't understand a lot of what he's talking about and I couldn't begin to try to explain it all here.  If you want to try to figure the situation out, you are free to ask me. 

Comments of an MVCR Schengen represntative to American citizens, as transcribed from a reporter's notebook found at Malostrana, February 11, 2008.

It is my great honor to stand before you--all of you--many of whom worked ardently since the Velvet Revolution to make Prague the cosmopolitan crossroads that the city almost became--until now. I am here to announce that we have crumbled that cosmopolitan BS to a clear conclusion, and to proudly show you our clusterf*ck craftwork and explain how we have screwed everyone in this room economically and culturally.

For non-European wishing to invest in the Czech Republic as an individual on any entrepreneurial level, with a trade-license or as a company partner, we have done everything possible to encourage you to quit. Perhaps you might consider moving to Budapest. Indeed, if you want a long term visa in the new Schengen situation, you gotta to wait about a half-year to get the papers processed. In the intermittent time, we have ensured that it is impossible for you to remain in this country longer than ninety days in a six month period.

Practically speaking, this means that you can apply for a "D" visa if you really want to, but you are not, as an American, allowed to apply for the short term "C" visa that would allow you to continue building your Zivnost or SRO using the momentum you began with on your 90-day visa free tourist-time. Our new European liberal borders allow you come in but then demand that you leave, letting your projects fester for three months. And if you have the gut to come back, you will still have to wait four or five, maybe six months for our Socialist-trained visa operators in Bratislava, Vienna or New York to make paper airplanes with your application.

A man in the front row said that in many other countries the time to process such visa applications takes a week-and-a-half; dear sir, whatever made you think we're looking to the west?

Carefully crafted to screw the small investor, the entrepreneur, or the free-lance worker, our country's innovative visa program is designed to benefit our friends like the old-socialist dinosaurs and mega-corporations that have the capacity to navigate through our like-minded bureaucracy. It also benefits our good friends in the Russian, Belarusian and Ukrainan mafias--those dear souls who bought up the Prague foreign police back office and modify unmonitored the paperwork of high paying Moscovites who then buy up all those beautiful borderland buildings that we've so-far protected from evil private German investment.

Anyone wishing to embark on cultural activities in the Czech Republic? Ha! Forget it. Get out! Prague still has the most dynamic small form theatre culture in Europe, but it's Czech. It's Czech, and we're going to keep it that way, suffocating any non-European interaction that might otherwise breath life into it--like the Fringe Festival. The time it takes to mount a theatrical production here-- and perform it and begin possibly to tour with it-- is greater than 90 days. Our new Schengen protocols make it possible to rehearse all the way up to the dress rehearsal. But then you American actors, directors, designers, production crew... ya gotta go sit in Bulgaria for the time that your show would otherwise be scheduled to perform in Prague.

Practically speaking, this means that you can not apply for any significant visa for your time in such projects. You might think that you could set up an Obcanske Zdruzeni or Obcanske Prospesne Spolecnost through which to justify your endeavors. Forget it!

Or, you might try to apply for one visa or another for cultural projects, but by the time our fosilized offices get around to processing these, you would have come and gone--and when you leave, you will risk having to pay a 5,000 kc fine, and possibly administrative deportation--it's just like it is in Moscow, where the police can stop you anytime and fine you for not registering your paperwork properly--it opens the doors wide for Police to make a nice side-income.

He,he. Can you imagine it! We've done even more to screw you. Even if you do all the paperwork right, and get a long-term visa to allow you to pursue your economic or cultural projects, we've screwed you over on the border in ways you'd never have imagined. With your precious D visa, you will not be allowed to visit any other European country after the first 90 days (which 90 days? the first part, the part since your visa stamp? ooof, that's too complicated). You bet!

Maybe after you've had your D for six months you can apply for long-term residency (with all its tax complications), and then, maybe, we'll let you go to Venice. In other words, after all that work to get a D visa, you'd be stuck in Bohemia, not even allowed to spend a week skiing in the Slovak Tatra. It has been said that other Schengen countries recognized this problem in advance--in Hungary, they did away with the D visa, so that you apply directly for the residency. But we? Are you kidding? Move to Budapest if you don't like it here. Get a Clue: we don't want you.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Thanks to the efforts of many of you in this room, Prague almost became a truly cosmopolitan city. On behalf of the Czech Ministry of the Interior, it is my honor to infom you that this project is dead.

Enjoy your Oplatky, I've got my uplatky.

Currently Reading A Wild Sheep Chase: A Novel By Haruki Murakami see related

Ahojky, přátelé a milenci

How much have you all missed me?  Excellent.

So, the WJC in Pardubice was fantastic!  That town was overrun by Canadians, and the locals were surely impressed by how much of their language I had learned in *cough*cough* one week.  I had fun advising some of my fellow hosers polite things to say to the waitress, like "Máte hezký kozy."  It's too bad the rest of the world doesn't care about that tournament, because the turnout of Canadians was truly impressive . . .  about 4000 or so for the final game, with total attendance being around 7400.  And it was some damn fine hokej to watch.  That final game against Sweden, especially. 

After the game I had about 3 hours to kill before my train back to Prague.  So I went into the Irish bar that had become the Canadian fan headquarters and drank the time away.  Some of my compatriots were repeatedly requesting "We Are the Champions" on the jukebox, and replaced "losers" with "Sweden" when singing.  A local TV crew even came in to do a story on all of us crazy people who had taken over.  When I heard that song come on for the fourth time in a row, I muttered "Ježiš Marie" under my breath.  The surprised Czech reporter turned around and inquired "Mluvíte Česky?" 

"Trochu," was my response. 

He got really excited, and waved for his cameraman to come in and shoved a microphone in my face, wanting me to speak Czech.  Wonderful.  I couldn't really think of anything so I just said, "Jsme šťastný.  Jsem Kanaďan a bydlim v Praze.  Děkujeme Vám, Pardubice."  Not terribly impressive, but whatever.  I'm not sure if it made it on TV or not.  The train left at 2:15 am and was packed full of Canadians.  I thought I might get some sleep on the trip home, but my car was full of Canadians, and so we sat there talking hockey and drinking beer.  It was nice.  It was snowing in Prague when we arrived, and Canadians spilled out of Hlavní nádraží and began spreading out in various directions, but I could hear hoops and hollers and shouts of "Canada!" for much of my walk home.  And that was the end of my week re-united with Canadians. 

Oh, but I lost my cell phone!  I think I left it on the train.  I got a new one, but I had pictures in it, including ones from the tournament, and I was going to send them to my family and other people, but oh well.  I should call my family tonight, actually.

So, that's enough for now, I think.  Should I resume updating?