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zeebaneighba
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Name: Amy
Birthday: 10/29/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: vegetarianism, psychology, writing letters, painting, drinking coffee every second of the day, making crappy jewelry for friends, people watching, wasting time in every way imaginable, former art history major, former psychology major.
Expertise: distraction, procrastination, happy fingers and pointing.
Occupation: Internet Sales Consultant at a
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  el wallaby o
Yahoo:  alboyd04
Member Since:
8/15/2005
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| Money Stress.
I hate financial stress.
I cried this morning. Frustrated. Feeling terrible that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. Simply PAY BILLS. (i.e., pay back R for the bills he paid for us.)
I ate cupcakes and drank coffee with mom and tried to work through potential solutions. I called her and fell into a pool of tears earlier and she invited me over. I will start going into work early. The first immediate thing I can do is get more hours at work. I thought about a part-time job but atleast from this afternoon's online search, I'm not having any luck...so I'm temporarily putting that idea on the shelf. Also, I will be getting a raise at the end of the month when my 1 year anniversary rolls around. This will help. Something else I can do? Contribute as much as possible in nonfinancial ways. Maintain the laundry and dishes, etc. (I already do a lot of this...)
Things will get better. I just feel bad in my head over it all. I want to be able to support myself independently and I just don't have the means to do that right now. I can barely support myself when everything's split. R takes the brunt of the financial load. He doesn't complain, but I don't like it.
Life is never ideal.
And that's okay.
Otherwise, last night was fun. We went out to hear music downtown and indulged on 3 beers. (I had 2.5, 3 is just too much, I could feel myself getting fuzzy and silly haha and R and I went home). I'd never had Amstel before. I babbled the whole way home and when we got in the door and he was cutting off the wristbands all about all the things he would know when he starts working at my car dealership in my department this Tuesday for nights and Saturdays. Then I fell asleep. And woke up to a t-shirt to sleep in and a snuggly R...no, not snuggly...frisky. haha...Frisky R... I remember saying something before we were then falling asleep about feeling and hearing my heart thumping inside me. I remember giggling for a second and R laughing and calling me "silly"... We slept well. Too bad the morning brought me panic when I paid my car insurance and student loan, and then realized the lack of funds for R to deposit the check I wrote for him to cover half of the house and utilities.....
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| My grandparents are leaving in the morning. The first night, it was amazing and wonderful as my granddad opened up tremendously and excitedly spilling a lifetime of memories across the couch to R. I loved it. I almost teared up with joy. Watching my grandmother playing with the dogs was also a treat. However, it began to wear thin as I tried to casually and subtly break the ice about how I don't live at my parents house anymore and that I live with R. I cautiously toyed with the idea of hinting at the matter. By today, their second day, they loooooved R. They told him that we should both come visit, but they offered up the guest apartment at the retirement center that is equipped with 2 single beds and a fold out couch to him and made sure I understood that I could stay with them. Let me point out that they no longer have a couch; there is no where to sleep, but the floor. This whole thing jolted me. A lot. I had to leave right then to go back to work as R and I just came by for my lunch break. From that point on, I decided I had to tell them and I dropped comments like crazy with no response, no listening, no luck. So I gave up. But I still said things about going home, etc (it was only a natural occurrence, and a logical one, I wasn't trying to rub anything in...)... It hurt my feelings and infuriated me.... I still tried to connect with them... but I won't lie; it was hard. I felt like most things I said fell on silence or a complete lack of acknowledgment. It was nothing bad I was saying. It was about my sunflower that I'm growing or my mornings of cleaning and baking....or Price is Right at lunch. This was all very innocent and endearing stuff... It was not like about sleeping in the same bed as R, much less sleeping with him (as in sex haha).... I began to feel they had to understand what I was saying and were purposely denying it. On the way home I tried to remember how they have always treated me like the most fragile and frail little being there ever could be. They have always questioned my ability and taken "overprotective" to the next level. They love me dearly. I know that, but I can't deny that it does hurt my feelings and my ego to still get treated that way. They related better to the scared and sheltered me. I wanted to share with them. I wanted to help them with anything they needed while here... I wanted to reconnect with them. I wanted to be open. I had distanced myself greatly all through my eating disorder.....I can't let this set me back or hurt my feelings or feel any sort of teenage rebellion boiling up...
I have eaten a lot while at my parents' house visiting.... my stomach now feels stretched and full to discomfort. My whole body feels swollen with too much sodium and sugar.
I wish I could maintain the level of composure, patience, and utmost respect that R holds in situations where I feel childish urges and selfish notions making my skin crawl... 
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| Yesterday was a weird day.
I have mixed feelings about it all.
The new girl that was supposedly all but hired to take over the calls I
do at night, and the saturday work that we alternate doing....she
called in yesterday afternoon and said she couldn't take the job
because of the hours.
First however, was the news of our raise. It got cut in half. Mine
got cut in more than half as I was bribed to take the odd hours with a
little extra increase in cash. I shouldn't be ungrateful for a raise.
More money, even just a little more, is always good. It's just the
principle of things I was promised that fell through.
So I was short and joked in a very biting way all day with my boss and
griped with my coworker. (the one of two, the second co-worker, the
Grumpy Drama Queen (bless her heart haha) will be finding out all of
this right about now when she gets to work as she had the day yesterday
off).
My boss had snacks like cheetoes and such for us at work. I ate a ton of cheetoes as I was displeased with the day.
But this isn't the whole of it.
Frantic to find someone to replace the girl that backed out, somehow my
workaholic R came into the picture. A quite serious consideration, on
both R's part and my boss' part. And I'm the one my boss is trying to
convince. Now is it me or does it seem weird to have the person you
are living with take over your job because you're too irritable with it
to continue on forever....because I've been complaining about wanting
to go back to my normal hours. And R comes and stays with me for the
downtime of the nights I work from time to time....so when he starts
working that shift? What will I be doing?? I should get a little bit
of a life. And he'll work every Saturday 9-5pm. And he'll work every
Sunday to stay on the payroll of his Movie Theater job. He will have 3
jobs. He will make a nice extra amount of money if he takes "my"
job...For some reason this all unnerves me. I want a new job. My boss
gets a car from the big boss, just at random, this month and we get
shafted on our raises. In fact the entire dealership does. We are
supposedly the lucky ones for our $0.25.
I started thinking last night around midnight....I'm not ready to marry
R. I'm going stir crazy. I think it was a fleeting thought as I have
had these all day long ranging from "I want to run away and forget
everything here." to "I want to run away for a weekend." to saying to
R "Let's run away, me and you." and then back to "I don't care who's
coming with me, I'm running away."
I can't run away. I know that.
I spoke with a friend yesterday evening while I was still at work. I
miss her... but again I feel distant from people. The more I start
needing people, the more I start feeling this wall. I need to stop
needing people. I thought that was the great thing of finally trying
to stand on my own two feet. I thought that was the great thing about
holding a job, buying a car, ditching the eating disorder....
I haven't fully ditched the eating disorder. It reared it's ugly head
last night. I woke up and I ate some of R's oreos. I can barely
remember it, but it feels like the worst thing. I shot someone. I
violated a kitten. I pushed an old lady in the coffee aisle. I ate
some (too many) of his oreos. In the middle of the night. In a
half-sleep walking stupor. As if it wasn't bad enough that I drank
near an entire carton of chocolate soy milk yesterday and the 3 single
serving bags of cheetos. Or what about the toast. R's bread. It's
not that it's his bread, but
it's the bread that he counts on for sandwiches at lunch. I don't
normally eat it. It's like my soy milk. He doesn't drink that. It's
my supplemental snack. (unless like yesterday where I just decide to
supplement myself til the cows come home). The bread is a main
component for his usual lunches. I'm so ashamed. I don't even really
like oreos.
I have let myself become so over-worried about so many things. I keep
looking at my arms. Are they thinner? R said he could feel my bone in
my upper arm. I say that's nonsense and that when you have no muscle,
you can feel just about anyone's bone in their arm. I think my butt is
a little smaller and I know my breasts are. I am not thin though...
I am frazzled... I was hoping that today I could wake up un-frazzled.
The 2a.m. oreo party crashed this hope. I might take my job for
granted. The work is easy. The hours are normally good. The holiday
time and PTO sucks, yes...but I've gone up a dollar an hour in less
than a year....and I'll have a little raise on my one year anniversary
July 31st to look forward to as well...I can take lunch whenever I
want. My boss is flexible (even if he is a little too flexible with
his conversations about his sex life with his soon-to-be husband and a
little too flaunty with his wonderful weekend getaways and such).
Maybe I am jealous because R never has an entire weekend off. Maybe I
am jealous because I can't think of things to do when we do have
downtime together. I keep thinking about how I'm getting out of that
job as soon as I can, but at least when the boss makes his getaway
permanently to Connecticut. I will likely with a new job no longer
have lunch naps with R. I will do more work in a day. But I will
hopefully get better benefits with having paid holiday time off...maybe
more opportunity for PTO...maybe I will feel better about the job I do
where as right now I don't care about cars and I work at a car
dealership. Maybe I will meet people. Change is opportunity. Change
is growth.
I hope.
Speaking of which, I forgot that I was going to go over to my mom's house today, this morning, to try to get a start on changing my resume, seeing what's out there for me to approach job-wise. I also slept in cuddled next to R, as he was so cuddly, because he didn't have to go to work early like he normally has been doing. This meant an extra hour in bed. Therefore, I/we forgot about the trash. The trash did not get put out for the weekly pick up. We have stinky old food that I just threw in the trash last night. This is not pretty. And now, sitting here, I know I need to go wash my hair. I know that by the time I wash my hair and get dressed, R will be here to pick me up. He's paying bills today at lunch and usually that would mean that he would pick me up from work to go out to lunch somewhere in the midst of the bill-paying. Being as it is, that I don't go in to work until 12, he'll be picking me up from home...in an hour and 15 minutes. This also bothers me. I am waiting, dying, doing the pee-pee dance waiting for my pay check to get direct deposited on the 5th. I have $30 in my checking account. I wish I had a check to write to R for half of the bills... I won't have that until the money goes in...on the 5th. He hasn't said anything to me, but I'm very funny about trying to do everything fairly monetarily between us and our household, and it just hasn't been working out that way these past 2 months.
AND my grandparents are coming to town tomorrow for the first time since we moved up here 5 years ago. (or has it been 5 years yet?). What if they want to see where I live... I have a little bit of my mother in me. Yet I am not the tyrant that she is about having the perfect inviting home; one that looks like a photo shoot out of a interior design magazine. I just want to have a little more tidiness. Yet I don't have the motivation and enthusiasm of previous days where I would wake up in the morning and do laundry and dishes and sweep.... I wake up lately and I don't even paint. I get on the laptop and I drink coffee. I don't even always take a shower even though I have the extra time. I hope my grandparents don't make R uncomfortable. I hope they have a good time here. I hope I get to see them enough. I hope we can talk about more than the weather.
If my parents don't go to Charleston the following weekend and if R and I don't make the adventure of taking his 5 year old niece back to Maryland... Maybe I WILL run away... I just don't have anywhere to go. My brother and girlfriend just moved. I don't want to see my aunts... It wouldn't be right to bombard friends which I haven't seen in who knows when....
What is going on here?
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| I did not sleep well last night. I couldn't go to sleep. It was 2a.m. before I went to sleep. I always seem to only be able to begin to address worries in my head when we are going to sleep. R can fall asleep instantly, the second his head has touched the pillow. I envy that sometimes because here I am tying myself in anxious knots over these little things that are building in my head, providing me more rope to hang myself with.
Last night it was -
My limited ability to get time off from work in the midst of holidays, i.e. Christmas and New Years, has led to the consideration that I'm dropped from the birthday celebration plans. I am frustrated and my feelings were hurt. I want him to be able to do what he wants without me holding him back because of how my job is. I told him this. I suggested he could go somewhere on his own. So WHY then did I get upset when he considered that idea. I even pushed it saying that he enjoyed the trips he's taken previously solo. But honestly and truthfully, I want to be a part of the fun. I like being apart of the daily life with him but I want to be apart of the exciting adventure experiences too!!! Fuck this job. I hate that I get paid for holidays because I work holidays. Meanwhile there are people that get PTO on holidays and are provided freedom from their damn job when it's christmas eve or new years day. He said that he hadn't decided anything and we could do something together locally, go to the beach or something, it's just my limited time off sorta limited any big traveling as it wouldn't be worth it. I am so torn between my selfish wish to be a part of this and my wish for him to maximize his time to celebrate his birthday however he wishes because he deserves that.
Marriage. R randomly said with a little bit of a laugh, what if we got married before my brother and his girlfriend (my brother and his girlfriend have lived together for 8 years and been pressured for the probably last 5 for when they are going to "tie the knot", and just recently of course I have heard on regular occasion from my mom the same sort of badgering about marriage for R and I). This started the same old conversation about living life and experiencing all there is out there before getting married. It bothered me. I felt like I was the target in why we would ever not get married. I'm the younger one, physically and emotionally by 5 years. I'm the one that has lived in a cave with my eating disorder and made-up world for the past lifetime. I am the one as well that is emotionally yearning for us to someday be married. I fully understand what he is saying if we were like 18 and didn't know what it meant to be married and only thought of Disney Princess living. I understand how life would be limited, not if I was getting married, but if I was having a baby. Having a baby shifts the focus from yourself on to the new life that you have to nurture and support. Getting married - I do not see that as putting a halt on living life (that said, I don't feel that having a baby puts a close to living, it just changes your priorities). Basically, if he needs to live life more, if that's what he feels, that's fine, but just say just that. I, on the other hand, am living my life as best I can and feel like I can continue doing so as things are now or if we were to ever get married. If it's his baggage, then I just wish he would admit to it. I can understand that. But I'm just tired of the barrier being put up of needing to live life first. I don't know why his one little comment and elaborated on comment (when I expressed my disliking of said comment) is bothering me so much.
I am frustrated for as close as I feel to him, it feels like something is being put up between us.. but it could be my head just building walls out of a few pebbles thrown my way.
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| Menstruation sucks.
R is a great boyfriend to have through it all though. It feels good to have a boy that is understanding of such.
He keeps asking me about what he should do for his 30th birthday in December. There's the Puerto Rico Fancy trip, there's the San Jose, CA with a good chunk of R's family thing (complete with flying his mom up from El Salvador), there's a driving adventure to Key West, FL, there's the wild idea of using some sort of loop hole of a reserved emergency visa out of the country to go to El Salvador for his birthday, or staying home and he could buy a new amp, drum set, whatever... he's been looking into replacing his over-loved vehicle too. I vote for a trip of some sort as he seems to get the most enjoyment out of an Adventure rather than a Thing. I would love for if it would make him happy to see his family then we go back to San Jose, but I really love the idea of an adventure with him to somewhere...Puerto Rico is feeling more and more extravagant. I'm leaning towards crazy road trip to Key West... if we took my car, we could share in the driving (though I know he probably would prefer to drive over me). I want to have adventures with him, experience things with him. But it's his birthday and I wish he would just pick what he would want to do! He's turning 30 for crying out loud. That's a big number.
My parents are annoying, each in their own way. I am too hard on them in my head. I am outwardly too hard on them. I keep trying to connect to only be so ready to get out and escape. There is a sense of uptightness sometimes that I just can't tolerate.
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