| | Yesterday was a weird day.
I have mixed feelings about it all.
The new girl that was supposedly all but hired to take over the calls I
do at night, and the saturday work that we alternate doing....she
called in yesterday afternoon and said she couldn't take the job
because of the hours.
First however, was the news of our raise. It got cut in half. Mine
got cut in more than half as I was bribed to take the odd hours with a
little extra increase in cash. I shouldn't be ungrateful for a raise.
More money, even just a little more, is always good. It's just the
principle of things I was promised that fell through.
So I was short and joked in a very biting way all day with my boss and
griped with my coworker. (the one of two, the second co-worker, the
Grumpy Drama Queen (bless her heart haha) will be finding out all of
this right about now when she gets to work as she had the day yesterday
off).
My boss had snacks like cheetoes and such for us at work. I ate a ton of cheetoes as I was displeased with the day.
But this isn't the whole of it.
Frantic to find someone to replace the girl that backed out, somehow my
workaholic R came into the picture. A quite serious consideration, on
both R's part and my boss' part. And I'm the one my boss is trying to
convince. Now is it me or does it seem weird to have the person you
are living with take over your job because you're too irritable with it
to continue on forever....because I've been complaining about wanting
to go back to my normal hours. And R comes and stays with me for the
downtime of the nights I work from time to time....so when he starts
working that shift? What will I be doing?? I should get a little bit
of a life. And he'll work every Saturday 9-5pm. And he'll work every
Sunday to stay on the payroll of his Movie Theater job. He will have 3
jobs. He will make a nice extra amount of money if he takes "my"
job...For some reason this all unnerves me. I want a new job. My boss
gets a car from the big boss, just at random, this month and we get
shafted on our raises. In fact the entire dealership does. We are
supposedly the lucky ones for our $0.25.
I started thinking last night around midnight....I'm not ready to marry
R. I'm going stir crazy. I think it was a fleeting thought as I have
had these all day long ranging from "I want to run away and forget
everything here." to "I want to run away for a weekend." to saying to
R "Let's run away, me and you." and then back to "I don't care who's
coming with me, I'm running away."
I can't run away. I know that.
I spoke with a friend yesterday evening while I was still at work. I
miss her... but again I feel distant from people. The more I start
needing people, the more I start feeling this wall. I need to stop
needing people. I thought that was the great thing of finally trying
to stand on my own two feet. I thought that was the great thing about
holding a job, buying a car, ditching the eating disorder....
I haven't fully ditched the eating disorder. It reared it's ugly head
last night. I woke up and I ate some of R's oreos. I can barely
remember it, but it feels like the worst thing. I shot someone. I
violated a kitten. I pushed an old lady in the coffee aisle. I ate
some (too many) of his oreos. In the middle of the night. In a
half-sleep walking stupor. As if it wasn't bad enough that I drank
near an entire carton of chocolate soy milk yesterday and the 3 single
serving bags of cheetos. Or what about the toast. R's bread. It's
not that it's his bread, but
it's the bread that he counts on for sandwiches at lunch. I don't
normally eat it. It's like my soy milk. He doesn't drink that. It's
my supplemental snack. (unless like yesterday where I just decide to
supplement myself til the cows come home). The bread is a main
component for his usual lunches. I'm so ashamed. I don't even really
like oreos.
I have let myself become so over-worried about so many things. I keep
looking at my arms. Are they thinner? R said he could feel my bone in
my upper arm. I say that's nonsense and that when you have no muscle,
you can feel just about anyone's bone in their arm. I think my butt is
a little smaller and I know my breasts are. I am not thin though...
I am frazzled... I was hoping that today I could wake up un-frazzled.
The 2a.m. oreo party crashed this hope. I might take my job for
granted. The work is easy. The hours are normally good. The holiday
time and PTO sucks, yes...but I've gone up a dollar an hour in less
than a year....and I'll have a little raise on my one year anniversary
July 31st to look forward to as well...I can take lunch whenever I
want. My boss is flexible (even if he is a little too flexible with
his conversations about his sex life with his soon-to-be husband and a
little too flaunty with his wonderful weekend getaways and such).
Maybe I am jealous because R never has an entire weekend off. Maybe I
am jealous because I can't think of things to do when we do have
downtime together. I keep thinking about how I'm getting out of that
job as soon as I can, but at least when the boss makes his getaway
permanently to Connecticut. I will likely with a new job no longer
have lunch naps with R. I will do more work in a day. But I will
hopefully get better benefits with having paid holiday time off...maybe
more opportunity for PTO...maybe I will feel better about the job I do
where as right now I don't care about cars and I work at a car
dealership. Maybe I will meet people. Change is opportunity. Change
is growth.
I hope.
Speaking of which, I forgot that I was going to go over to my mom's house today, this morning, to try to get a start on changing my resume, seeing what's out there for me to approach job-wise. I also slept in cuddled next to R, as he was so cuddly, because he didn't have to go to work early like he normally has been doing. This meant an extra hour in bed. Therefore, I/we forgot about the trash. The trash did not get put out for the weekly pick up. We have stinky old food that I just threw in the trash last night. This is not pretty. And now, sitting here, I know I need to go wash my hair. I know that by the time I wash my hair and get dressed, R will be here to pick me up. He's paying bills today at lunch and usually that would mean that he would pick me up from work to go out to lunch somewhere in the midst of the bill-paying. Being as it is, that I don't go in to work until 12, he'll be picking me up from home...in an hour and 15 minutes. This also bothers me. I am waiting, dying, doing the pee-pee dance waiting for my pay check to get direct deposited on the 5th. I have $30 in my checking account. I wish I had a check to write to R for half of the bills... I won't have that until the money goes in...on the 5th. He hasn't said anything to me, but I'm very funny about trying to do everything fairly monetarily between us and our household, and it just hasn't been working out that way these past 2 months.
AND my grandparents are coming to town tomorrow for the first time since we moved up here 5 years ago. (or has it been 5 years yet?). What if they want to see where I live... I have a little bit of my mother in me. Yet I am not the tyrant that she is about having the perfect inviting home; one that looks like a photo shoot out of a interior design magazine. I just want to have a little more tidiness. Yet I don't have the motivation and enthusiasm of previous days where I would wake up in the morning and do laundry and dishes and sweep.... I wake up lately and I don't even paint. I get on the laptop and I drink coffee. I don't even always take a shower even though I have the extra time. I hope my grandparents don't make R uncomfortable. I hope they have a good time here. I hope I get to see them enough. I hope we can talk about more than the weather.
If my parents don't go to Charleston the following weekend and if R and I don't make the adventure of taking his 5 year old niece back to Maryland... Maybe I WILL run away... I just don't have anywhere to go. My brother and girlfriend just moved. I don't want to see my aunts... It wouldn't be right to bombard friends which I haven't seen in who knows when....
What is going on here?
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| | Posted 7/2/2008 9:36 AM - 15 views - 1 comments
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) and we will eat delicious vegetarian food and just escape from our lives for a little while!
