| | Let's see, where to start.
My cat died. We already covered that.
My mom got terminated from her job last Friday. She seems to be in a bit of denial financially. As we have joint accounts, I have seen her account plummet over a weekend.
R and I are getting our finances together like little squirrels storing nuts for the winter. These past 2 weeks have been about me working more hours and training him to work at my job, his 3rd job. It's been a lot of work. We will have a lot of nuts. I will be able to pay for this month's bills and reimburse R for taking on everything on his own last month. Hopefully this will also leave me something to work with on my Colorado trip in a month!
I don't love my job. I like it less and less with time. I hope to change my attitude soon. Atleast it was fun training R on everything for his evenings. And I take him dinner and visit for a second sometimes.
I have really been stressed out lately. I don't like to drink too much anymore. I am a mess when I drink too much sometimes. And because I rarely drink more than a shared rum/coke with R, it takes me less to get messed up. I drank too much Saturday night. I ended my night in random post-sex tears that of course confuses R. I babbled endlessly into the night. I feel terrible for my outburst because how upsetting for the other person to have just had sex and then your partner starts crying and you're just trying the best you can to figure it out. A lot happened last week, beginning with my 21 year old cat dying, having to be put to sleep because she was suffering and infected with maggots that had taken over her weak body. Then ending with my mom being fired out of the blue and yet she continues to spend money carelessly through the weekend on restuarants and shopping.
Well anyway, things are better than they were. I feel strong and stable. I can only take responsibility for myself. I have loved lately talking with R about big decisions. They include me and that is pretty cool, to feel involved and contributing and like we are "us" and what we talk about is turning into "our". There is power in seeing yourself taking on challenges and taking on the big world of Your Life (financially, emotionally) and physically seeing that You are Here and This is Now.
However, I am sorry for how I have left someone that was there for me when I was most fragile. I'm sorry for how I have left them feeling. You did nothing wrong. You were not replaced. I am sorry I have handled things how I have. I wish I knew how to approach things better. I am sorry for hurting you. I never had ill intentions for anyone. In taking care of myself, I have just moved in different directions. I have been seriously focused on constant growth in myself, emotionally and mentally, in my entire ability to take care of myself. My life has been filled with maintaining my job, understanding my finances, molding healthier relationships with my family, and being in this relationship with R as a healthy and strong partner. Everything has to be geared towards better health (of mind and body), and in this endeavor I have little room for eating disorder. I abandoned all influences related to that part of my life. I'm sorry that our friendship, as a result, suffered. I'm sorry I never offered explanation. I know that silence can be more damaging than the most painful words spoken. And I know this probably makes little better, my weak attempt of acknowledgment in these words will do little more than take up space at the end of my entry.
I don't know what else to say. I wouldn't take this as a lesson to harden yourself against others. I wouldn't stop being who you are.
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| | Posted 7/15/2008 11:11 PM - 27 views - 3 comments
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