zellbell05's Xanga

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 12:32:14 GMT

YESSSS THINGS ARE GETTING BETTERRRRRRR....muhaaaa im happy

-MZ-

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 04:13:38 GMT

I dont know why...for many reasons i cant explain....i just cant believe my life is taking a turn for the worst....so i lost one of my best friends today...it was his doing.....im not gunna go into detail....but now....a part of my is gone.....a part of my life is just....gone. i feel like i can never feel the same about someone...im just so confused and hurt and i dont know what is wrong with me....i dont know what i did wrong.....i just feel like shitt....and my summer has gone in the shitts....i wanna run away and never come back....now more than ever....i just dont see the point in trying so damn hard for something that ends up not going my freaking way...it feels like i put so much forth and got nothing in return...absolutely nothing....i feel worthless...and powerless...and like nothing good will ever come out of my life because things are messed up....i hate this pit-of-the-stomach feeling....i just want it to go away...why wont it go away.....i dont know what to freaking do or what to think....ive never felt so lost about so many things going on at once and its making me so stressed and emotional....i hate it....ahhh....i gotta sleep....k bye

-M

Friday, June 30, 2006

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 15:14:21 GMT

Soooo.... Things are a TINY bit better...but i still cant get my damn license until im not sure...the end of summer im hopingggg...its bullshitt....whats so damn serious about a license, I mean...it's not like im gunna go crazy and drink and drive and shitt it's fucking annoying....i could of gotten my damn license almost 5 months ago...and im fucking pissed....but whatever....soooo....friends could be better....I feel like this summer is a waste because no one wants to hang out really...I feel like im a loner...and yeah just because i have a guy still means i can feel like a total loner...its not like im with him 24/7 because its just not like that and i wanna hang out with friends and no one seems to wanna get off there asses and hang out...I mean...we have one more year together and then everyone goes there seperate ways...I dont wanna look back on highschool and think all i did was work and sleep...I mean i want some memories my senior year...so hopefully this summer will be looking up and if not...next summer IS the summer...I mean....no one really realizes that we have senior year...and the damn school year goes fast as shitt...so basically we have no time to waste sooooo it's pissing me off....anywho... hopeful expectations for senior year: NO DRAMA with ANYONE, cool teachers, goodgrades, more freedom, license, new job, varsity soccer, hanging out with more people, making more friends, less enemies, no teacher's strikes, making more money at my new job, better relationships with fam, and stuff along those lines....yeah it's alot but i wanna just get shitt GOOD my last year...I want this to be the year that I look back on and think 'yeah that was the best year' Sooooo I hope things go good...but i need to make that happen...which sucks...but no one else is going to....whatevvvv....gotta work at 5 BLAHHHHHHHH damnit....oh well....tonight im going home and me and ben are gunna play my nintendo hahahah cuz we are cool like that...and cuz i just got it working again soooo i havent played in FOREVERRRR haha, and tom. i work until 5, so if you wanna hang out let me know yo even though no one reads these haha, k luv u bye

-MZ-

Monday, June 19, 2006

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 17:58:39 GMT

So my life officially is down the shitter....it really really is....everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong....and now everything is SHITT....like....everything...with my friends...my fam...everything....my whole life is such shitt now.....and whatever i am seriously debating moving down to VA with my dad....bnecause i cant take the shitt up here...my mom is such a biotch....but who knows....

-MZ-

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 12:42:53 GMT

Hmmm so today i leave for the beachhh im so freaking excited....i just hope everything goes right. So schools out for summmmerrrrr...and i couldn't of been happier...this year pretty much overall sucked balls...ive had better years...but there were some fun times that were definately had hah. So right now things are good with me and all my friends and im happy about that...i think we've all became closer than ever and now have actually made points of calling each other and hanging out and what not...and im glad. Senior year hopefully will be fucking awesome...hmmm...I wonder whats gunna happen in the future, its really wierd to think about...I just cant believe im down to my last year in highschool...its kind of scary to think about...cuz i dont know whats next. So Ben is good i guess...i dunno i dont really know what will happen with us in the future...i really am not worried about it though because i just dont wanna get all serious about a guy...it's bullshitt, and now ive learned to not do that at this age or any age, because you can end up fucking obsessing over a different person every damn week...thats pretty pathetic i must say hah...a pretty sad way to live your life...and im not gunna fall into that trap because it brainwashes people. Anywho...summer is so nice because you only make a point of seeing the people you WANNA see...i think one of the reasons schools so miserable for me is because alot of people there i HATE seeing everyday...its bullshitt were forced to interact with people we dont even get along with or like...and thats why i think college will be way better because your more independant there...its hard to explain and everyone thinks im crazy but oh well. Hm...so yeah cant get my license til august now cuz my mom bitched at me and i got in trouble with some shitt...so thats my "penalty" haha but shes still letting me go to beach week...im excited...well i better get goin becauseeeeeee were leaving soooooonnnn...ahhh yessss 3 days with all my beautiful lovely friendssssss.... k luv you all bye

-MZ-

Monday, May 22, 2006

Mon, 22 May 2006 02:08:02 GMT

Hmmmm so its sunday night and im at home just gettin back from getting a milkshake at sheetz cause im cool like that. So its pretty sweet how no one ever looks on these anymore hah so anywho....teachers are striking thats pretty sweet, prom was fun, after prom was fun too, went back to bens and played beer pong with all my lovely friends colin,rachel,orly,tyler,jess,ferris,evan,jared,josh....it was good fun but a longggg night haha it was good. Hmmm so life is pretty okay right now with a few minor exceptions, but things have gotten alot better this past couple months from what they were like before. Me and my friends hang out so much and get along so much better, theres no "drama" haha which is good, everyone is just cool and stuff, bens okay but hey who knows when it comes to him, all i can do is trust, but enough of that....So college is around the corner, haha im excited to get out of high school, yes i will miss it, but i wont wanna go back, never ever will i wanna go back once im out, the people i have to surround myself around are just too much, haha there are just too many whores and asswholes to deal with and i know once im at college, ill make some friends there and hopefully stay friends with the ones who are true to me, basically rachel, ferris, jess, orly and i know there are a few select others. Damn i gotta headache, oh well....so this weekend was basically fun, no problems really...im glad things are beginning to shape up because i was scaring myself for a while there with the things going on in my head..so something bothering me lately is basically me and travis's whole relationship has been in the shitter. We never talk anymore, he never calls me, when i call him he never picks up....i just feel so shitty when i think about how good we used to be and i just feel like i lost one of my best friends. I could tell that kid anything...he knew more about me than alot of people and i liked having that comfort of knowing i could talk to that person and they could make things better for me...now its like....he doesnt care, like he isnt there for me...and it really hurts because i miss haveing someone to talk to. It's just a shame we dont even hardly talk anymore. i just wish i could make things better with him, and i dunno...that he'd take the effort to wanna make our friendship good again...but i dont even know whats goin through his head, like if he even cares or not...but i mean....i dunno what ta do.....but hey im tired, im gunna go, k bye

-MZ-

Friday, April 28, 2006

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 20:01:18 GMT

Oh my...what to do what to do muhaaaaaa i luv it...

-MZ

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 08:43:38 GMT

So i know nobody reads these so im just gunna write whateverrrr. It is approximately 5:17 in the morning and i cant sleep because my friends just came in from partying to sleep at my house and they probably hate me but whateva. So im suppose to be up at 6:30 to go fishing....fuck it i cant sleep. I hate how things are right now with EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG my friends surely hate my for life because of the decisions ive made and because ive been quote on quote shady and a liar and what not but i really dont mean any harm i really dont mean to be such a bitch that everyone thinks....im not like that at all and i dont want people thinking i only care about myself because in actuality i dont AT all, thats why im in this type of position. Like....shitt has gotten to the point of like i just wanna curl up and die seriously i wouldnt mind but i mean it sucks. So jess, lets start out with her, she hates my guts pretty much, basically because she thinks all i care about is myself and that i dont appreciate anything my friends have done for me but the thing is i REALLY have and everyone looks past the little things that i try to do to help them see that, like her birthday dinner was tonight and i pretty much lied out of my ass at work to get off of work on a friday night and pissed my boss and everybody on duty that night off just to be able to go because i knew that i had to be there bc it was important to her and everything and i dunno wen shitt goes bad again i just feel like ive wasted my energy to try to do something good for ONCE. So ferris, she's been one of the only ones who actually understands that i am going through a rough time and that i Do appreciate my friends and that its just hard because shitt with ben is that hes so convincing and just an all around nice person just generally nice its so freaking hard, i dont care what anybody says, that shitts hard especially for me cuz i cant stand up for myself worth shitts, i have NO courage what so ever, so what am i suppose to do ya know? So now i feel like i let down so many damn people, and for what? I shouldnt feel like that cuz its my life right? yea but if i had no friends id probably be dead right now....its just hard, dont ask me why it just is. So basically i hide everything going on in my life with my fam because number one. its not like i talk to them ever anyway they never take the initiative just to go out of their way to call me or watever and number two. i just feel like theyd judge me and take things seriously and thats the last thing i need. so lemme see....whos next....ben. So one of the reasons why its so fucking hard to turn him down is because of his constant nagging and his convincing ways and also because overall hes good to talk to if you need someone to talk to. And when my friends dont even seem like theyre there or willing to listen he listens and stuff and its hard to turn away from that, i know ferris understands me on that one. so whos next, well lemme see my life definately would be easier if i knew noone hated me like brittany does. It actually blows my mind because i know that if she could shed do sumthing to get me to get away far away from here, and for what? a guy? its not worth tears or hateing someone over, i just dont see how she says she has no respect for me ya know? It actually hurts knowing all the shitt i know she truly feels about me deep down, because i know deep down that she thinks im "ugly" and all that junk, and ya know i know what ive done in the past was pretty fucked up but, it duznt compare, it just duznt, and u know id be cool with her if she just didnt try to piss me off or whatever she tries to do, its just old ya know? damn, i mean im graduating in a school year, i need to worry about my future, not the fuckin past, not that stupid immature shitt shes pulled on me, and ben for that matter, i dont know whatsup with all of that, but it hurts knowing someone out there would love to put you at the top of their hit list if they had a chance to have one ya know? Its like....with all of this shitt....whats the point of getting up in the morning and trying. whats the whole point? If im just gunna be shot down by everything throughout the day making me feel so gross inside and out, i wish that i could rewind time, id be such a happier person because i regret so much fucking stuff, SO MUCH STUFF, basically i regret this whole past year, all of it mostly....so basically....when it comes down to it.....im just a "tag along" with my friends because theyve developed a true dislike towards me, i have no family there for me, and i also have people who hate me and people who wrong me, i dont have any money, i hate my job, i cant play my sports, i cant play ANYTHING for that matter, not JUST sports because im poor, im a lieing bitch who needs to be shot, and i let down my friends hardcore and for what, so i can make someone else happy? I just wish i could make everybody happy, just everybody in my life happy with me and happy that im around and stuff, because seriously....its gotten to the point where its like, i feel like nobody wants me to be around them, like NObody, because all i do is cause shitt and let people down. Why would someone even wanna be friends with someone like me? Im selfish as shitt and i dont even mean to be, i totally turned into a different person that i hate. I seriously cant help it though, i mean i just dont have enough courage and shitt to just be honest and its like....i feel like i have to lie about EVERYTHING because if i dont then im afraid the truth is gunna get people even more turned away from me.....im just scared that people are gunna start acting like i was never alive, and just start turning away from me because of what ive done and stuff. I feel like no matter what i do, i always am gunna fail at it......im a failure in life i feel like. Im a total loner and a failure and it wasnt anybody else but ME who put me in this position im in. I just wish i could change peoples perspectives about me....all i want is for everyone to be happy with me and good and just i dunno, but its like i gotta lie to get to that position because shitts fucked up that way. well....i guess thats all for now, im sick of typing and frankly sick of talking about this shitt over and over and over again like its the same old bullshitt every damn day every fucking day and i just need to do SOMEthing to get away, but im out

-MZ

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 23:34:51 GMT

just woke up from a nap on a saturday night wooooohooooo im cool watevvvvvvv though

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 22:07:18 GMT

feels like everybodys against me...