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| So I decided to write a real post, one that I get to explain myself and my life. More of a before and after of my trip to New Mexico. Since whenever I'm with my aunt and uncle I feel calm and like life makes sense. I love visiting them.
Lets see, as far as school is I am okay. It really has been the least of my stress these days. I haven't gotten my grades yet but it looks like 2 S (in a pass fall class) 3 A's, a B or C in Psyc and a C in Chem. That's just my guess but we wont know until December 20th. Finals week was actually mildly amusing, the least stressful finals ever. Pop Cult, Spanish, and Psyc I barely studied for because I knew the material. Acting, my monologue went really well. I have a lot of confidence in it. and Chem was up in the air, and still is. I am looking forward to next semester. I have 6 classes, so not to bad (as I have 7 now). And so yeah. This semester wasn't to bad when it came to the school part of life.
As for my job. I still hate it. I went back to Ben Franklin's. I only did this out of my desperation for a job. I wouldn't mind working there for next semester I suppose if I can't find anything else, but for the summer I think that I am going to try and get a 40hr a week job. I don't care if it's factory work or something I just am going to need lots of hours. and all because I am going to Wales.
It's not entirely official yet. BUT my G.P.A. meets the requirements, I am a film production major and they encourage film and theatre to study in Wales. and all I have to do is turn in my application, my letter of recommendation and then I am going to start on scholarships towards the trip. I really hope I can go. I view it as an opportunity of a lifetime and I don't ever want to look back at my life and regret that I didn't do something.
And on a completely different and random topic I realized that I am grown up. Last night I went to play in a pep band game and sitting there I was like wow, high school feels like it was so far away. I wouldn't change the decisions I made to get out there early, sometimes I wonder what if I would have stayed, but then I realize I wouldn't be where I am, know the people I know, and have the opportunities that I have. And sitting there I just realized that everything I've been through in life, I've had to be an adult since I was like 12...but now I am really truly an adult and it scares the holy hell out of me. Partly because I am on my own now, and I haven't exactly had the best parental guidance my whole life so I don't exactly know what I'm doing. It's a very strange feeling, and I never thought I'd be an adult, but I am.
Funny story though about the word adult. In the past week I was told that I was not acting like an adult about a situation, and there was a time another person hinted at that meaning. The funny part about this is that if you look at the situation I am being more of an adult than they are. In the one situation, I have made every attempt to be nice despite everything and since we have mutual friends I always try to make small talk and ya know be civil. Well he broke up with me, which I guess horribly disrupted his life (keep in mind he broke up with me) so now he's pissed off at me because it did disrupt his life and he bitched me out and then proceeded to tell me I was not acting like an adult about the situation...really?... really? I'm not sure how that was justified but last time I checked not even the adult thing to do, but the being a decent human being thing to do is to be civil, clearly that's not good enough. The second time is because I have finally realized that I have spent my life worrying about everyone but myself. This year has been a very turned around year. I have finally went no, it's my turn. and now that I have that apparently is a bad friend thing to do...and definitely not an adult thing to do...NO. its not (sarcasm). I will never understand the hypocrisy. I'm a childish, bad friend for wanting to figure out my shit this year. BUT on the other hand the person who wants to figure out their shit is just being an adult and sorting their life out...um. If anyone can explain this to me...PLEASE, PLEASE do so.
Speaking of figure my shit out. I am not going to apologize for it. A few times this year people have actually gotten pissed off at me, one causing a break up, because I am finally saying what about me. That may sound horribly selfish but I've spent 19 years worrying about everyone else. I've spent 19 years not facing the bad things that have happened in my life and they kept getting swept under the rug. And I've spent the past 5 years lying about some things that happened. And now that I am finally saying stop before I go crazy and wanting to take me time people are getting pissy. I don't care if they are because it's not going to change anything I'm doing I just don't understand it. This semester I've had a huge breakdown, and ya know it's exactly what I needed. That sounds extremely weird but I have been trying to focus on myself and got lost again with everyone else. And two weeks ago I feel apart and it's what I needed because I needed to be reminded that this isn't about everyone else right now. Thank God for Tanner and Steph. They picked me up, and took care of me. I feel bad that they had to witness it but they really saved my life that night. Neither of them know it but I was in the darkest place I'd ever been. And this is why I need to worry about me and I need to start making decisions. And I won't apologize for any of it. Not a single minute. I need to focus on me, I am becoming increasingly independent and I am learning to make decisions for myself and it's different from who I usually am, and if you decide to have a problem with it...fine...You're wasting your energy though.
So those are my babblings for now. In other random news about my life. RC may come visit me today. which would be amazing because I miss him. In the past two days life hardcore got confusing in the realm of dating. I am really glad it's break. and like is glued together right now...but the glue isnt dry yet so well see what happens.
Z.
P.S. The best advice I ever got was from my grandmother. I may not be able to stand the women....but she said to always consider everyone else's feelings when they are having a crisis. because even though it may seem like no big deal to you, it is to them. and you need to respect that...
gee that sounds like someone I know...because no one is EVER as stressed out as them..::rolls eyes:: get over yourself. We are all struggling.
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| Posts are getting farther and farther apart. But after a night of being a complete and total mess from life and drinking, smoking (can we all say train wreck together...I don't smoke...)and throwing up I needed to vent.
Do you ever wonder how we get from point A to point C but somehow we completely miss point B? I do. I really do. And the Beatles can only consul me so much. I am so tired...so very tired of life dumping on me all the time. Things went south..horribly so. and it's not anyone aspect that I can elaborate on its all aspects...and thats the only way to describe it is that I am tired. I want to know how the hell my life ended up that I spent part of the night on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying...I want to know how the hell I life ended up so screwed up that I handed every possible harmful object that I had to Steph. I use to keep going because I saw the light just up ahead, I just had to get through the dark place...I no longer see that light...After all look at everything I did last night. I DON'T SMOKE. and granted it was one cigarette but still I'm like what the fuck happened to me (besides the fact that my lungs thoroughly hate me today). There are three ways I see out of this..and none of them are good.
And due to everything I am dropping my credits down to 12 credit hours next semester. I figure since I am a year and a half ahead of where I am suppose to be taking an easy semester wouldn't hurt and it would do me some good. And next fall I am going to study in Wales...next fall can't come soon enough. I really feel like detaching myself from certain situations by simply not being here for them will help.(besides the getting a chance of a lifetime to study in another country) Though I have to take Steph with me cause who else is gonna pick my crying ass off the floor and put me in bed when I have a breakdown? But I am excited about Wales, they encourage film students to go there...I just have to fill out all the paperwork. and it would only be for the fall semester.
So yeah. this is where everything stands. its 6:15 and I finally made it out of bed. Didn't think I was going to at all today but I'm slowly picking myself up...who here is really all that surprised?
That's my venting...didnt really say anything...just talked about my current emotional state. oh well thats all the details that need to be said.
Z
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| It has been quite awhile since I have written.
A lot has been going on. Everyone I know has had a total nuclear meltdown within the past 3 weeks, including myself. So one morning I woke up decided to fix things and thats what I am doing.
Things are getting better. I am catching up in all of my classes. I am actually doing quite well in most of them. And things are finally starting to look up. Saturday was the bottom of the bottle and then things started looking up. I met some great people last week....and happen to be going to dinner with one of them 
And I had a blast last night which is what I needed to lift me up a bit. I had coffee, went to the UFO meeting where I learned about Film Internships which is good so I can start getting involved in them. Though most take place in LA or New York. Then I went with everyone to Karaoke. and that was a good time. I didn't get up and sing but I got to dance and hang out with some great people.
So all in all its been a rollercoaster past few weeks. Things have been bad, got worse, and now I'm recovering and things are getting better.
Lets hope it stays on an up swing.
Z
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| And everything just crashed. GREAT. Z. | | |
| So I feel like a lot is going on, yet nothing is going on. It's pretty intense. I'm excited about today. I am going to be filming in Fremont for my short. It's a short film about my character's suicide attempt. This is all part of a much larger screen play BUT when turning in a film for Major Event I can only have it be 5 minutes long. So I took the first/opening scene and really developed it so that I can film. It's kinda a depressing screenplay but it's going to be way well done. I'm super stoked about it. (it'll take about 5-7 hours of filming and about 10-20 hours to edit...for a 5 minute film. DO NOT underestimate the films that you watch). Hmm. yesterday. Had coffee with a somebody. That was intersting. Things are looking good. we shall see how they go. I currently am enjoying where I'm at so I am in no hurry to go anywhere else. And yesterday on top of that was even more intersting. Went to the doctors in the morning. Found out some really intersting things about myself. Like I have to go and find my mom's medical records because no one remembers if she had a stroke or a heartattack when we lived in Mississippi. and if it was a stroke I am predisposed to them at a young age. Between that and the fact that I get migranes that I'll lose my sight and then get a migraine means that there are certain medicines I really can't take. I was no aware of this. It's good to find these things out though. So tonight while in Fremont I may go see what I can find at my madre's house. Since it's super important. Fortunately this week I have only worked one day (well and tomorrow I work). It's not a bad job, but the other night we were slammed. And there were only two of us closing, it was my second night and the other kid hasn't worked there more than I month...as you can imagine we were in good shape..haha. It made me want to kill everyone by the time I left. We left at midnight and the store wasn't as clean as it couldve been. It was insanity. I'm hoping that it's not like that on Saturday when I work. Other than that theres not a whole lot. Z. | | |
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