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zendidWHAT
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Gender: Male
Interests: family and friends, culture, groovin, good choreo, good freestylin, chillin at the beach, guitar jammin, training, outdoor stuffs, always fine tunin, outrigger canoeing, searchin for adventure, chasin dreams, getting in trouble
Expertise: *shrug*... not updating my xanga?
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  JaYga151
Member Since:
12/8/2002
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| Do you think sacrifice is a requisite for happiness? I wonder...
Can you recall a time you were happy without sacrificing anything?
I can't say I've been truly happy in a long time. Content? yes. At peace? For the most part.
Well, at least I'll give it a shot this time.
So Lord, I don't know crap. You led me back to this rock, so imma let You show me why.
I only pray for courage.
I sacrifice pride.
...and maybe a goat or two...
k nevermind. Bye.
...goats are cool. | | |
| Twins
As most of my closest friends know, my family is often at the far end from normal. My Dad uniquely portrays the understanding and steadfast workaholic businessman. My Mom plays the role of a loving and caring woman, with a bit of a misconstrued sense of reality (she thinks people normally come out of college making 90+k). My brother is the ultimate video game nerd. Only now he's turning into one of those funny nerds as he's begun to mix video game humor with hilarious quips he picked up from "the Man show". I think I ended having a mix of all three. I'm a workaholic, I do misconstrue reality (the source of many of my injuries...which I still attribute, as the old soccer team would say, having big huevos=P), and I'm a big nerd too, if I'm relaxed around you. Otherwise I end up giving off the aura of Mexican thug who had a hell of a time crossing the border...or maybe that's misconstruing reality again.
In any case, there's the other side of my family that I know nothing about. I refer to all of my siblings from my biological father. I only remember seeing him 3 times in my life, and I have no idea how many siblings I have through him now. He's been married multiple times, and he is the quintessential "baby-daddy".
So my Mom comes in a few days ago and puts the paper on my bed. "Jay, does he look familiar?" she says. My groggy eyes couldn't tell the difference. "That's your brother from your real dad". My eyes come into focus as I study his features. I tripped out when I realized he looks exactly like me...almost a twin. Haha, ok now you have to feel sorry from him right? He was in a military uniform saluting a tombstone for Memorial Day.
I wonder how his life has been. I mean, I have a twin brother out there who's lead a completely different life. It makes me wonder how my life would have been if I ended up with my biological dad. It doesn't matter though. I like where I'm at now.
I came to terms with the family situation a long time ago, so I bear no ill will there. It's been more of a "live and let live" policy for me. But still, would it be wrong of me to not seek out that half of my family? I once decided it was best to walk away from that side of the family and never look back. Was that really an injustice on my part? I don't know. It makes me wonder.
......I should probably find out who my sisters are at least. I'd kick myself multiple times over if I met them under a less than desirable circumstance=P. I wonder if they look like me too. What a scary thought. Those poor girls.
Well, that's it for now. Nothing much else going on here. Work work work...teaching, surfing, diving. These activities make me deal with a lot kids. But at least I know, I can be a great Dad. Much better than the one who left...and hopefully at least as good as the one who stayed. Gnyte... | | |
| Last night my friend said I should probably see a psychologist. This was in response to me finding out that someone wants to beat me up. He really does! I won't go into details, but I really didn't instigate anything. All I wanted was to sit down and enjoy a beer after a hard-ass week at work. It's not my fault if some lady decides to sit next to me and start a conversation. I see a lot of this mentality out on the islands. Possessive of some girl and quick to fight.
To all the dudes like that, treat your girl right if you don't want her flirting with random guys. Actually, be my guest and don't treat her well. It'll give guys who really deserve the girl a chance to "unbrainwash" her from thinking that a sub-par relationship is the greatest thing since Coldstone in the Middle East (there should be one if there isn't). Treat her bad, you're probably doing everyone a favor when or if ever she gets it. Props to you if you do take care of her, but you should probably rethink a few things if she wants to act like a doorknob and give everyone a turn. You're lucky I'm respectful enough not to "throw a hotdog down a hallway". Points to anyone who knows where that's from.
Why the psychologist comment? In response to the hater, all I could say and think was something like "good. It might add some balance to my life". Am I asking for a fight? Not really. I don't claim to be a fighter. I just promise that instigators will regret it. IMHO haters will always hate. You can either back-down or use the hate to enhance you. Then you have those people who say "turn the hate into love" or some crap like that. That sounds nice and all, but at this point I'm not going to waste my time explaining myself to idiots who jump to conclusions. Let them figure it out. But, at the very least, I'll still spend 10 seconds before falling asleep to pray for them...that in the end all things work out for the best.
I made a vow a long time ago. Unless restricted under God, be a part of another's life if you BOTH WANT to be there. Whether it be for a brief conversation at a bar, a moment of insight, a few hours of laughter, a weekend of fun, or a lifetime of love, just BE there even amongst an ocean of haters. Amidst some intricate plan, God set aside those moments just for you. Don't complicate it and don't cheapen it by giving in. So yes, talk to that random person and keep it respectful. Put agendas aside and understand that, even if it's a brief conversation at a bar, it's a piece of lego block of the construct that is your life.
Update on everything here: Not too much yet. Lots of house chores=)
Good night.
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| Outside and In
There's something about this island that relaxes the soul. The weather's great, the people are friendly, the food rocks, and the beaches are chillin. Dare I say that now you run out of things to do before you run out of time...a complete opposite of Silicon Valley. So I fill up my time with what I can do...work, family, paddling, gym, and some old friends.
So why does it feel like my days are wasting away? I work...yet I feel out of body. I'm out on the open sea...yet the ocean no longer beckons to me. I'm at the gym...yet in between each set all I feel are the seconds pounding with my tired heartbeat. I'm out on the town with some of the old crew...yet between the laughs the world seems to stop as memories fall on me like acid raindrops. I make people laugh with the corny jokes...yet I don't really find anything funny...it's just that their smiles are a little easier on my eyes. I know I'm here for a very good reason, but I can't stop feeling this way. Am I tired?
I've managed to help out a handful of people in what way I could...yet I cannot help myself. My eyes are tired. My ears are tired. And I haven't really smiled in a while.
I need to center myself once more. Look outside and in for the next piece of the puzzle He has laid out for me. I missed it somewhere...but where?
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| It's crazy.....
When you give up something, to follow what you think God has planned for you.....
and realize that you were in the right place, at the right time,
to save someone in your own way...
You realize you couldn't have given the right answers...if you hadn't experienced the things you had...
Hindsight really is 20/20. God's foresight is even better.
Hehe, what a trip. Guess I'm a tool after all. Well, apparently God's tool=)
I'll update later on life. Just getting the ball rollin and getting things done. I miss everyone a whole lot. It's tough out here... but imma handle mine.
Peace.
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