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| hi everyone! school's back but Keep on Truckin'!
"Daddy horny, Micheal {whimper}" | | |
| i don't think i've ever felt quite this pain before. I really need a
hug, sooo much but for some reason unlike usually when anyone's hug is
comforting i feel like now it would feel empty, an empty comfort. my
afs advisor called to tell me i will most likely be rejected by japan,
no matter how good my application is, because of my 7 sessions of
therapy last year. so called "therapy" every improvement i did myself.
I can feel every hour i worked on that application, that essay. i wrote
just two days ago ...so much for my excitement for march 7th. im being
judged. i was pushed into the whole damn thing and now im being judged.
i have an art project a texas a physics and a calc test tomorrow and
some guests are coming over that i have to make an appearance to and
all i want to do is cry and be hugged by someone who particularly hurts
for what im feeling and why. someone who understands just by knowing me
what im thinking about because of this, who im blaming without my
consent- my parents that gulati idiot that bitch olave. i never felt
like this before. right now, i really really wish i was in love.
i just realized something.
i don't think i trust anyone anymore. i've stopped telling people
things. shit. fuckthis shit (haha zee) i just want cry to someone and
tell them everything like i always did. i feel cold being afraid to do
that anymore. im not even sure when or how or why that changed. maybe
my mom's on the right track about me. i so suck at life. i am going to
be one of those adults that actually sucks at life. i can't make shit
work, imean the superficial shit sure, like Terry, I Just erased a
paragraph because it wasn't nice to Terry. not overly bad and not even
untrue but irrelevent and i felt bad. It was basically about how good
he is at life, outwardly but how unskilled he is when it comes to him,
how he's good at dealing with strangers but bad with people he cares
about with the sole exception of Jamey because with him it comes
naturally, he doesn't have to try (he usually messes up when he does)
hey. i did really well on the debate today. eli was awesome. they said
we were the best team (meaning in the two times we debated, there were
four pairs of debating teams. we as a team did the best today of the
four) my head hurts a little less and i don't feel like crying anymore.
AND NOTE TO TIFFANY rent is on dvd february 21st! and um. i had some
nice conversations with people i always like having conversations with
but don't usually. Scott in Art about Project Runway, and Aaron in Calc
about Dispatch (that was sort of a conversation. mostly singing
actually) and yesterday i had a long conversation with sensei. im going
to miss the drum concert, even tho i saw the dvd and the guys are mad
hot, but it just happens to be the date of the first debate. and my aim
died. ow my head hurts.
i should do texas and study now. arrested development finale was
fantastic! and um, i saw an episode of batman beyond which was
fulfilling. of course it was part 1 of a 2 parter...
im probably going to boston! let's end with that one. i want to watch
movies with some friends. anyone wanna come over tomorrow or something,
go to the library, get some movies, chill, maybe sleepover?
*EDIT*
i thought of some other things. i got a 19 on a lang essay, im writing
this in my room, which has the internet connection cuz of debate and i
think im over my cold. i think i made someone laugh today by saying
somthing clever though i can't remember who what or when so it may have
never happened, because i have a habit of making up memories because of
my vivid imagination. like just before my edit i had decided i was
going to marry my best friend in a marriage of convenience and then
after 2 years have his baby for him and his now sterile girlfriend. she
made some bad choices when she was younger but we comfortable blame
others, in our minds as we never have the need to talk about it, not
that we avoid the subject. and about 7 months after i do him this great
favor he will give me the single sweetest most thoughtful little gift
anyone had ever given me, and that night i'll go to sleep and dream a
day at north high school that i'd forgotten all about for years, and
i'll see people i hadn't spoken to even in high school, hadn't thought
of in years, had thought of but never spoken to, saw recently but
pretended not to notice, spoke to after a random run-in though id
completely forgotten her name and it simply wouldn't come to me.
someone i had a crush on at a later date then the one the dream takes
place in, someone i realize in my age would've have made me a good
match but neither of us were mature enough to see it. it's 7:30. i
don't understand the physics i dont want to have to take more
makeups, but i know i won't get this down by tomorrow. well wish me
luck. and get back to me on the movie thing. {kiss}
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| wow i was sooo stressed out yesterday. well im gonna get my ass kicked at debate. o well, its only temporary humiliation. zee had a dream i threw a boomerang at her and accidentaly killed her. i went to australia. lol.
so i was thinking, its the 14th (HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY) which means in 3 weeks i'll know if i got the scholarship to japan. 3 weeks! and one is this week, then vacation, and then just 1 more week! (march 7th is the date btw)
and the first debate will be BEFORE then, and i only been on the team 2 weeks on thursday. i should be cramming for my mock debate right now. but im eating an ambrosial brownie before official sales start illegally in the library at the wrong computer (up yours, library!)
and around then the video skit also has to be done, and my japanese speech contest tryout has to be sent in and prolly my speech has to be memorized by the 27th. and the booth has to be ready too in about a week
AND my concentration will theoretically be done by friday (but im re-doing the crappy pieces, the jane and tova ones and the hands and maybe other ones too)
so my junior career is converging in the following month or so. well maybe then i can write some. at least i have one poem that barufaldi really liked that could get me into the jive. im upset that the poetry world teachers have no idea who i am. Grossman knew how dedicated i was but this year the club is too non-existant for me to be able to do something or stand out at all. my aspiration of hosting the jive one year is probably dead. i really thought i had a shot last year, too. not that im giving up, but its depressing- at sticky notes all the teachers didn't kno my name, they knew sib and erin and everyone else. well, since there don't seem to be seniors, maybe a junior will do it this year like erin and il have a shot next year. {shrugs}
that photo silk-screening guy reminded me soo much of seth green, like not just looks but something in his facial expression and the way he sat. i kno he was quiet but still. anyone who know who im talking about agree?
RENT! on dvd soon! w00t! wow, i use expressions i once mocked. shame.
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| ATTENTION: GOOD IDEA
OK, picturethis:
As a protest to the absence of our dear Senior Follies we doe this on March 31 (Friday before April Fools)
one day, everyone in our school, or everyone possible
come in with black shirts, blue jeans, and a balloon with a sneaky face drawn on it
the confusion. the curiosity
the attempts to put a stop to it
by 3rd period, they'd all be confiscating balloons
Who would join me in my commentary on the administration?? Come on folks, fight the power!!!
Spread the word, but as much
as possible not in school. Let's not have teachers know what's going
down. In fact ideally it'll seem like more is going down. If anyone
asks just shrug and say "I don't know, I just felt like bringing a
balloon in today…" with a nice blank, mind controlled look on your face.
FRIDAY, MARCH 31ST!
SPREAD THE WORD, QUIETLY. LET'S TRY FOR EVERYONE! | | |
| so i have a virus. gah! missed the national honor soceity induction over it.
tried going to school today, missed the bus for bowling so i signed in
and my mom drove me to the bowling alley. i followed my spectacular 200
from last time with a 57 (i'm sick!) and just to prove how out of it i
was, i walked out with the bowling shoes on. noticed in the bus
>< did calc which requires no brain power but by physics my head
was killing me and i was at a standingmakesmedizzy stage so tova told
me to go home and i was in no position to argue. so a grand total of 2
periods in school today, most of 4th all of 5th and a bit of 6th.
i think my physics grade is going to suck. grr
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