i miss him

I miss my fiancé desperately.

He was everything to me and now that he's gone, he has taken everything of me with him. I don't know why I feel this way when for weeks on end all I would complain about was how the relationship was going downhill. Now we're apart I remember the reasons why we fell in love more sharply.

I want to cry for days on end and even that would not be enough to dry myself of the grief that I feel, so I don't cry at all. My heart has been choked, that it is now void of all emotion. All I feel is indifference and an aching yearning for what could have been.

I take much more care with my appearance nowadays, as if I'm trying to hide the fragility inside. Or maybe because it's the knowledge that there's no longer someone there to love me when I'm ugly.

My closest friends have said how resilient I've been, that I don't appear to ever have had a partner or soul-mate. How little they know that I preoccupy myself with petty pursuits to make sure I don't wallow in this darkness.

I have written countless emails, text messages and practiced calling him in my head, only to discard all of them out of self-pity, hurt and rejection.

I miss my fiancé hopelessly.

Student elections

Student elections are coming up and I'm not all that ready for it. I'm currently V-P and I'm going to nominate for President. Big mistake? Most likely but I like pain.

Does anyone have any good campaign strategies? Particularly ones which are designed for an apathetic body of 20-something-year-old law students?

This is where you realise who your real friends are. It seems so petty to take elections so seriously, and I know not to take it personally, but it's hard not to be so serious about it when you're a law student and you want something real bad.

In my case, it's because I don't want the person nominating for President to get the post, and I want him to lose real bad. He's also V-P at the moment. Is this a bad reason for nominating? He's a dick-head. A real one. I'm going to nominate against him. No way am I letting him get the position unopposed!

Why he's a dick-head

Here is a inconclusive list of why this guy is a dick-head. It is inconclusive because everyday he finds new ways to be even more of a fucked-up turd:

• He's conceited - he does not talk of anything except himself, about how he's all so self-reliant, about how he's got lots of dough ... the list goes on. A girl's (and guy's) worst nightmare.
  Example: At the beginning of this year we were working on sponsorship proposals. He claimed to have 'contacts' in high places who would be happy to listen to him - from the main supplier of Apple products in this country, to top-tier law-firms here and interstate, and various retail owners who would be willing to give us discounts.
  
• He's all talk, no substance
  Example: See above example
  Example 2: He says he'll do things like contact local companies, design a logo, complete a report - never follows through unless we email him 54 times, call him 87 times and ask him 39 times to complete it.
  
• He's dumb
  Example: This guy needs to get his priorities straight. A student club is just that, a student CLUB. It's not worth failing all your subjects because you allegedly have commitments on a club which you never come through on anyway. The only other explanation is that you're lazy, or unintelligent.
  
• He's greedy
  Example: He already has a very busy committee position on the national law student body, which involves maintaining a website and marketing the product and website. How will he juggle commitments between being President of this club, and being an officer on the other body?
  Further, this national body is a forum for all other law student bodies to voice their concerns - how would he best represent our law school's interests whilst sitting on the committee of the national body?

I have no faith in his ability to maintain the levels of work that we have established this year. All this and more are the reasons why I do not want him to be President.

If he is elected ...

On the occassion that he is elected, I will enjoy watching him crash and burn.

the next step

How things change in just a few days. I met with my fiancé and we had an honest discussion about our relationship and future together. He said that he had reflected on his behaviour and realised that he too had contributed to our relationship's deterioration, he'd maintained a resentment towards me for my past infidelity. He was sorry for it and only saw it when he noticed how unhappy and depressed I'd been over the past few weeks. He then sat me down and asked me to talk to him, to tell him everything that had been on my mind, everything that was making me upset and everything that hurt me. We talked to each other for almost four hours, and I am amazed at how neither of us became defensive or angry.

What resulted is that my fiancé has agreed that we part ways for a month. We will maintain contact, however both of us need to separate for a while to work out whether this is truly what we want. If we part ways after that then that is the end of our relationship. If we decide that we wish to stay together, then we will work hard at our marriage and ensure that it succeeds. I truly hope this will help me find my feet again, but right now I'm such a confused mess. A few days ago, I was all too ready to leave my fiancé and go it alone, but now, after yesterday, I'm pining for him. I hope my emotions settle in the next few weeks.

It is times like this when I understand why I agreed to marry this man.

stalemate

We've had an argument again - my fiancé and I. A stalemate, rather. I sometimes feel this is the end of the road. Good thing we decided to get engaged for a while before getting married. There are so many ups and downs, I really don't feel sure about our relationship anymore. Am I a bad person?

Here's what happened in our latest installment. I've just returned home from a conference interstate, and we were so happy to see each other again, missing each other, as you do. Then he asks me if I'm attending that conference next year in that place, where I met that guy over a year ago. I said yes, to be honest, the conference will be important for my professional development. I understand that I hurt my fiancé a long time ago, and I'm truly sorry and regretful. I've made every single assurance I possibly can every single day, I've been transparent and completely honest with him. I cannot possibly promise that I won't attend because I know that's not something I am able to commit to. The guy who was there, I know for a fact, has long left the country and will not be at the conference. Further to that I harbour no feelings except indifference for that man. I've asked my fiancé to come along with me, but he won't get off his high horse. The purpose of the conference is purely professional, and something that my fiancé and I can share in together.

I've always given him the utmost support for every career or life-related choice he has ever made, yet every time I talk about my ambitions, he'll disapprove and set out to change them. Like when I told him I'd much rather be doing community development work in Africa than be stuck in a power suit working the unworkable hours ... the reaction was just gold.

We haven't spoken for three days now. To be frank I don't know if I want to speak to him for a while. Is this worth it?

Marriage seems to be getting further and further away.