I have really been stuggling with self disipline so to work on that I will try to make a journel for each day on this site.  I have been really trying to understand God and have a right relationship with Him lately.  I have had alot of alone time so I can really try to focus on what should be most important in my life.  I have been thinking about my relationship with God and how impersonal it is.  I was doing my bible reading yesterday which led me to wonder what is wrong with my relationship with Him.  God in the old testament had a very tight bond with His People.  He was among them, He guided them in a very direct way.  He was not someone I think of when I close my eyes and bow my head, but an active God who was present in my journeys.  He led them by fire.  He met with them to show them the way.  He was there when they needed to consult him.  Yet in my life I do not see the intimacy they seemed to have.  Yet now that we have the holy spirit and that Jesus has bridged the gap I feel more distant than they were.  There is a big problem with that.  And today I was struggling with another part of scripture.  Jesus commadns us to love our neighbor as ourself, even more than that but we are to love our enemies.  Yet I do not understand how this is possible.  In history God has destroyed entire races of people, and used his choosen people to do it.  Yet how did they love their enemies?  I do not understand.  It has been explained to me that things are different now and that Jesus is the fulfillment of the law, but this answer does not meet the question.  I believe that God is unchanging, yet if it was love that he showed to his enemies back then I must have a misconception of what love is.  I am unsure of this God I serve, there are so many questions I am facing.  The God I am reading about does not fit the God of evangelical America.   I am some what afraid to believe that I have been wrong in my undersatnding of something so important.  I have been building my life on this concept that my not be as absolute as I thought.  Either way I will trust in God and pursue the truth with all I am.  

God I beg you for guidance.  Lord you are amazing and you are complete.  I put my trust in you.  May you be glorified through the work you are inpowering me to undertake.  Be with me in every moment and I pray that I may follow you.  By your power I pray amen.

It has been a long time.  So much has changed.  I am becoming the man I have always wanted to be.  I fell in love with the woman of my dreams.  Everything was seeming so good, but then everything fell apart.  There are so many things that are out of my control right now.  I do not know what I am going to do.  I have been facing the most serious things I have ever delt with in my life and I have been holding it all inside and it hurts so bad I just want to scream.  There is no release there is no solution just pain,anger,and fear.  I feel like I can not even breathe I am so weak right now, yet everyday I have to put on a face and be strong for her and for those around me.  I just want it all to end.  Then I think about all that God is doing in my life and how blessed I am.  I hurt and the pain is real and the things I am going through are really serious, yet I know God will be faithful.  He has taught, and is teaching me to live by faith.  I am full of questions about me and my girlfriend and about my future and this world we live in.  It eats at my bvery being.  Yet I know God is God and He is in control.  He will lead me where I need to go all I have to worry about is following by faith.

Father here the cry of your weak adopted son.  Help me please.  I beg you to intercede for me Jesus on the behalf of emily and on my behalf aswell.  I pray that you would guided us towards your goal.  I pray that we may both live lives of purity,integrety,and righteousness.  Holy Spirit be my guiding light.  May you make my paths strait and level.  Take care of everything for me before I get there so I may please you.  I pray that through the sacrifice that Jesus Christ has made on the cross and by thepurifying power of the Holy Spirit that my life may be pleasing to you LORD.  Thank you so much for all that you have done in your name I pray AMEN

Last night I had a dream.  This dream has alot to do with what I have been learning + it is something I want to remember.  It started off just like any other dream.  I was at some random place that somewhat resembled camp.  Things are going fine then the sky changes and I see this tornado in the sky.  I was acting like I wasn't scared but then when it got closer I was terrified.  I was helping everyone else get inside and then it was there.  I think I was sucked up into the tornado or something because that is when the dream kinda took this pause.  I was in this really weird place I know I did not like.  I can not really describe it but it was really weird and dark.  Then this little girl dressed in white came up to me and said Do you want to keep living your life like this, always running from the consequences of your actions.  Or will you stop running and pay the punishment and own up to what you have done.  (I am paraphrasing of course)  She told me that the punishment was going to be hard and very painful.  As she was saying all of this I broke down in tears for I was cut so deeply by what she was saying.  I have done so manythings in my past that I just never want anyone to know.  Things that I hate myself for doing.  After my moment where I could barely move because of fear I told her I would accept the punishment whatever that meant.  I was sent away to a prison island and I never got to see anyone that I loved again.  There is more like how the place where I was sent was full of samari and I saw the tradition of passing of the sword from master to pupil.  It was explained to me that the master would give the pupil His only sword to show how he trusted him with his own life and to show how he was now the master.  This really doesn't have anything to do with what I want to talk about though.  Anyways,  this is what I have been faced with lately, there are consequences to every action.  And the bad choices that I take effect more than just me.  Many people have been hurt by my previous actions.  That hurt my heart so much when I finally understood. 

God I am so sorry for what I have done.  My past is so marred.  Please forgive me even though I am unworthy of such treatment.  Father complete me and make me whole.  Help me to not hurt anyone else.  Lord help me instead be an insterment of your love and a light in this world.  Not for me but for them for you.  In your name Lord Amen

I have still been growing alot and undergoing severe trials.  I am being refined by the fire I know this now, but at the time I just felt lost.  I was trying so hard to follow God, and do what is right.  Each time I feel like I have just been getting knocked down.  Everytime I get up I just get knocked back down again.  Two nights ago, I was hurt really badly, I don't hold it against the one who hurt me because she was just being honest.  I am glad in a way, but it hurt so badly.  I opened up to her in a way I never had before and was cut so bad, not that I was mad, but just hurt.  Almost all yesterday I was so depressed I did not do really anything.  I was so down and hurt so bad I just did not want to get back up.  I prayed alot and God heard my crys.  He showed me light so I finally gathered myself up and got up once again.  Just a little bit ago I was knocked down again because I did what was right.  I am just so tired I could not handle this.  So I walked and questioned God.  Why are you doing this to me?  I found myself walking around aimlessly in the darkness.  Suddenly I stopped, I looked in all directions and asked why?  Why am I still moving what is the point?  To tell the truth I saw no light no reason only darkness.  I was left with a crippling emptiness.  I felt like I was going to fall on the ground, growing weaker and weaker.  Why? WHY?  No answer.  Just darkness and the wind blowing through my ears.  I thought of so many reasons why I should keep moving and where I could go with no satisfaction.  There was no where I could go for saftey no rest no shelter.  I was completely alone.  I could see no purpose in my life.  I tried to take a step but couldn't.  I was reminded of one of my favorite heroes and something he said.  People ask him why do you keep going why do you fight why do you become stronger?  I keep fighting to find that answer.  He said... that was not good enough.  With all possible options gone I prayed and asked God why?  Faith.  God is faithful and just.  He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.  God knows all and has a plan and a purpose for my life.  That is why I must keep walking.  Even when I can't see any reason, because I don't have to because God is still God.  Even when all hope seems lost I know that God is still God and He is with me.  There is purpose.  There is reason.

Thank you God.  Thank you for showing me this.  Thank you for giving me hope.  I have something to hold on to something to cling to during the worst storms.  You are my light even when I am surrounded by darkness on all sides.  Thank you LORD.

Lately I have been growing alot lately in Christ.  He has been teaching me so much.  I was confronted with a choice last week and I choose to follow the LORD, and put myself aside.  That day I talked alot with spiritual beings.  Satan spoke to me after I decided to follow God.  He said that I would not make it and I would be his again.  He said pretty much he would attack me and I had no chance.  It was really scary, so why would I bring this up?  Because I know that what is going on in mylife right now is spiritual warfare, he is making good on his promise.  Now to address the issue, in my past I have done things that I am ashamed of.  Things that are so horrible I can never live up to them, things I would never tell another soul.  I have lied in the past to protect myself to hide the truth.  To be honest if anyone asked about them now I would still lie about it.  I am ashamed of myself for what I did and that I still lie about it.  I know I am not that person anymore and I should let it go, there is nothing I can do about it now.  I am different I am not the same person... I am not.  Since my decision last week to lay myself down for my brothers and God these things have kept coming up.  I am being forced to see what I have done and it is killing me.  I can't tell anyone though I am so ashamed.  No one would look at me the same, and I wouldn't blame them.  Having these things inside me is killing me I can't handle it.  These things that are going to be with me the rest of my life.  I would do anything if I could go back and take them back, but I can't.  I don't know what to do I am so lost.  My little dark secrets... how can I get ride of them.  I feel because of them I will always be alone.  I feel because of my actions in the past I am unfit to worship God.  I feel unfit to live to be honest.  I do not know what to do.

GOD, where are you?  I need you so bad.  I am so lost and so ashamed.  Can you even hear the prayer of such a unrighteous man?  I am so sorry.  I wish I could take back the horrible things I have done.  I wish I could worship you.  I feel like I have thrown my life away and I can do nothing about it.  God can you save me?  Can you make my worship worthy of you?  Can you forgive me for what I did?  What am I supposed to do?  How can I live like this? Please, help me.  I want so badly to say hallelujah, but I feel the words have been stolen from my lips.  I feel like I have no future.  LORD please act.  Do a miracle in my life.  Show your wonders do something and save me.  I am lost and Satan will destroy me.  Be my comfort be my savior.  Please Father.  I will follow you.  I trust in you.  You are God and there are things I can not see right now, and I know you are with me even though I can not see you right now.  I am sorry for my fear and doubt.  I believe, I choose you Father, no other life is worth living.  Father give me the strength to follow you.  In the name of Jesus Christ your son the lamb who was slain, by the Power of the Holy Spirit do I lift up my prayer to you Father all for your glory.  AMEN