| Gosh I am in the weirdest mood right now, and Facebook doesn't have anywhere you can post your feelings so here I am talking to myself since no one gets on anymore!
I watched The Hills tonight for like 3 hours and it put me in a really awkward mood. So now I'm thinking about being on my own..relationships with guys..friends...everything..fashion I guess..stupid really but its true...so college is coming up. Im not too sure what to think of it all. I found out my roommate and what dorm I'm staying in. She seems pretty normal so far haha nah she seems pretty cool..after our..one message conversation haha. I think it'll be fun. Gosh I dont even know what to type I'm in such an awkward mood. I'm in one of those moods that you cant even begin to explain how you're feeling. I just got back from a mission trip and I'm on this spiritual high kinda thing. I did things there I never thought I would do and I had a blast. Our youth group grew alot closer which is stinkin awesome. Im not sure where my relationship is with God right now though. The mission trip and Zenith were great and Im alot closer to him than I was, but for some reason Im not as close as I think I should be. I need to change some things and hopefully I will get the self discipline to make sure those things change and keep it that way. I'll miss a few people when we go off to college. Some I'm just glad to get rid of, but there are a few specific people that I will miss terribly. I dont really want to say them right now, but if you know me well enough, you will know who I'm talking about. The topic of love is floating around in my head too. How do you know if you love someone? How do you feel? Now dont go thinking I'm in love or anything..I just started thinking about it because they said it on the The Hills and I thought it was WAY too soon for these people to be saying it. Its weird and funny how life is. That was a bad sentence. AP tests got me kind of upset...but one of them surprised me in a good way. My future is weird now too. Im not sure what I want to do with my life and that kind of scares me. Lauren(from The Hills--I'm a loser I know) has this stinking awesome internship at Teen Vogue. Not that I want to go into fashion or anything because I am totally fashion illiterate...spelled right? who cares...but she totally knows what she wants to do in life and her life is so glamorous. I want something like that..but not to that extent..and her relationship..its weird too. Weird is the word for tonight if you have not caught on, and no one is probably reading this or will read it, so its totally fine. Dont think im in a bad mood. I dont want anyone to think that. I'm in a very weird mood but im happy. I'm content. I'm excited..for something...I dont know what yet, but then I'm anxious. Nervous breakdown maybe? Who knows. I just want to keep typing, and since I hate writing this is the closest thing to a journal for me. So I really want to talk about relationships right now..but I don't know where to start. I wouldn't know where I would want to end up either. Oh gosh!! I already did crunches and pushups..maybe I should go do more or something. I'd go running but my parents would hear me open the door. Oh gosh..I miss Jacob too. I haven't seen him in like 9 days...which doesnt seem like alot..but then again it does. When you get used to seeing someone everyday..it gets that way. I'm in a weird mood about that too. Probably, once again, because of The Hills and Jason and Lauren's weird wacked out relationship. I miss work too. Those little kids are boogers, but they're my little boogers and I wouldnt change a thing. I have a dentist appointment in the morning. I hate going to hospitals, doctors, dentists, etc. because I'm always afraid they're gonna look at you and just be like 'You're gonna die next week. You have a rare form of spit disease.' So I'm scared I'm going to go in tomorrow...today..this morning...and him be like 'You're teeth are going to fall out when you're 20.'...How bad would that suck? Either that..or I will have to get my wisdom teeth taken out..which is a good possibility considering the last time I went to the dentist he said soon I would have to have them taken out. So college yeh..not a bad dorm...kind of excited. I have orientation on the 24th and 25th so we'll just see how bad my classes are since I waited so long to turn my forms in. Oh well..there is always a plan for everything and I will make the best of it I guess. I'm really worried about getting fat in college. I know you're thinking thats totally stupid....but I am. So I guess its a good thing I'm going to a hilly campus..so everyone says. I'll keep in good shape. I'm really disappointed in myself that I didnt try harder to make the volleyball team too. Yeh I'll still probably try out but I mean I suck since I havent played in forever so I won't make it. So I'll just settle for club. Maybe I should have gone to a smaller school and played volleyball. Hendrix was always open. I had some smaller schools wanting me to play for them. Why didnt I? Maybe something better will come along. I'm really looking forward to these new relationships in college. With guys, with girls, just people in general. The sports..totally looking forward to that. If you know me...you know im crazy about sports. The guys...hmm thats going to be interesting. I've been thinking alot lately about the guys I want to date in college. I've decided when I get to college and these guys come around that I'm going to(well at least try) only date guys that I think would be good marriage material. And of course I'll make mistakes and of course I'll go through losers, but thats all part of the game now isnt it. Thats why God made it so hard because when you finally do find that special someone, it will make it all worthwhile. Then again...I could not even meet my husband in college. I want to be out on my own first before I get marriage..to make sure I can stand on my own. Don't think I'm going crazy with all this talk about marriage. I'm just rambling. Don't think anything of it. I'm just spitting out thoughts in my head. Well I'm talking to Chandler now. He's reading my novel. This is a rather long post isnt it? Yeh..it is..and getting longer I suppose. Still not tired yet. Gosh what is wrong with me! The Hills is over..thats what. I need a new episode to watch. That show is addicting just like Laguna Beach. Laguna Beach 3 looks like its going to S_U_C_K--suck. So I guess I'll just have to stick with The Hills. Hmmm actually I think I'm almost done. I have run out of things to say, but there is so much more going on up in my head...I just cant type it and I'm not sure why. Maybe it just isnt ready to come out into the world just yet. Maybe this is an epiphany or something. Chandler just informed me that everyone is thinking these things right now. Everyone is anxious about where they're going to go in life and who they'll meet and if they'll make the right choices tonight. Tonight for me its different though. It's sitting so close to home with me and I'm not sure why. Chandler is such a butt sometime...but then again at the same time..he's stinking awesome..Thanks Chandler..if you read down this far haha! Since you are the only person reading this besides myself and someone probably in like China who is bored out of their mind! Gosh..Chandler is so profound...I'm proud of him..I really am..that sounds so corny but at this point..I really dont care. yeh ok so Chandler brought up a really good point. Not to worry. Seems simple enough right? Well even better..he brought up a verse about not worrying. I found it because it was bugging me since I knew it was in Matthew just not sure what verse. Everyone take this to heart: Matthew 6:34-- Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Easier said than done. I wish I didnt worry. I'm such a worry wart...it really is a nasty little habit to break..just like procrastination..which is another one of my many bad habits. The last few nights before everyone leaves is going to be so awkward. Im thinking about it right now and it doesnt look pretty. I wonder if the people who are going to OU and OSU..since they're all together..will even remember me when we come back at break? I mean of course they will but its kinda hard thinking that I won't be there with them and joining in on everything, but then again I'm going to a college where I only know 3 people right now..and I can act and do whatever I want. I can be a whole new person and change anything about me and no one will know the difference. But will I? Aye..there's the rub...I wish I could remember what book that is from. I read The Screwtape Letters on the way down to Alabama. That book is amazing and I highly recommend it. I really want to start reading. I feel like my life has passed me by because I havent experienced more things through reading. That sounds totally nerdy but I totally mean it. I think its important that everyone takes time out just to be by themselves. Whenever I need to be by myself, I go to a nearby pond and just sit there for hours. It gets everything out of your head that way you can just sit there and be. It seems like all the petty things that we did in high school dont matter. All of the fights, acquaintances, gossip, rumors...they just dont matter. Who cares who stole your pencil in 8th grade? Who cares who started a rumor about you your senior year? I thought I did. And now I don't. Who is really going to remember those things in about...3 months? I dont even remember half of them already. You remember all the good things though. The aced test, the 8 essay, the day you got asked to prom, the big game, the fans..everything..I get goosebumps everytime I think about those things. Those things are special that you'll remember. Maybe not forever..but as long as it matters. If you dont believe in something, you'll fall for anything. I heard that saying somewhere the other day and it stuck in my mind. And its totally true. I love movies that are inspirational. Thats probably why I love the movie Remember the Titans. Mulan is a good Disney movie because its inspirational as well. Mulan is stinking awesome. She's a woman and shes going a man's job. I love it. I love that movie. I'm being totally random, but yet I totally don't care. The awkward mood still hasnt gone away..obviously because I'm still here typing up a storm. I hope everyone has a moment like this. It's like an out of body experience some people would call it. I dont know how long its going to last...but its an awesome feeling and I'm getting alot of thinking done while its here. If its good or bad...only time will tell. Im thinking about all these things I want to do and say and all of this stuff I want to get done. I probably wont get half of them done..maybe I wont get any of them done, but at least this 'mood' has brought them to my attention more closely. Gosh right now I feel like I could type forever about anything...but I won't...I wish I was tired now. I know I'll be regretting staying up this late in the morning when im falling asleep in the dentist's chair, but it was good to let this all out. It will probably take someone 1/4 the time to read this then it is taking me to type all this out. Yet...my hands arent even tired..and my eyes arent even droopy. My nose however is stuffed up. I got a cold in Alabama. It bites. Summer colds suck alot, so do periods(I'm sure all you guys wanted to know that). Well I should really try and go to bed. I'll go do more crunches. I need to start working out more. I'm getting LAZZZZZ-E. I wish all the best to you who read this in all your endeavors. May God watch over you with a watchful eye. Good Luck to you. Nothing changes if you don't change anything...think about that. If my weird mood is gone in an hour...it was well worth it. Thank you Lord for everything you've done for me..and I really dont care what people think about that. Once again, good luck and best wishes. |
