Answers to unknown questions

Why go on living when all you feel is pain?
Why walk through the constant pouring rain?

Will I be able to endure long enough to find,
The secrets buried deep within my mind?

Though the path is long, and the going is slow.
I know they are there, the answers I need to know.

I hope one day I’ll finally be able to understand,
I hope I'll finally know how to be a man.

Maybe then, the constant pain might cease
Maybe then, the streaming rain might ease

On that day, I’ll stand tall with my head held high.
On that day, I will breathe free and feel the sunshine.

Till then, I’ll suffer through the tearing pain,
Till then, I’ll walk through the pouring rain.

Pain multiplied by pain

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’ve been alone for my entire life.  School and all the teasing I endured has made me terrified of everyone around me.  In high school, I was so scared of the opposite sex and rejection, I never even tried to get a girl.  I felt like a freak, and eventually became one because of it.  Now, years later, the constant loneliness has caught up with me.  I feel so lonely.  Now that I have enough courage to at least try to find a gal pal, I don’t know what to do or how to act.  When it comes to experience in the dating game, I’m basically fourteen.  

The feelings of loneliness have only grown in the last few months.  It seems like the harder I try to find someone, the harder I hit the ground when I’m shot down.  It fucking sucks, it sucks so fucking bad.  God, it makes me want to cry; but I haven’t shed a tear, not since I tried to die. 

I don’t know what to do; I don’t know how to make it stop.  All I want is a friend, someone to share shit with; someone to fill that void that consumes me.  All I want is someone who’s mine.  All I want is someone who needs me almost as much as I need them.  All I want is someone to shower twenty two fucking years of pent up desire.  I just want people to know I'm alive.  

I feel alone and friendless.  I feel like a deaf mute, unable to communicate with anyone.  I feel like no one gives a shit about me; I’m pretty sure that’s not true, that there are some people out there who care about me.  But since when are emotions rational? 

I just want to give up, to forget about ever finding someone.  I mean, ever single time I’ve ever tried to be something more than a friend to a girl, it has only ended in heart ache.

A couple months ago I met this girl; her name was Cassie.  She was the first girl I’ve ever kissed.  I’ve been kissed by other girls before, but Cassie was the first one I’ve ever successfully made a move on.  We made out and messed around for hours.  That was eons ago.  She lives hundreds of miles away.   Since then I’ve seen her a couple times, called her a couple times, each time my heart bled screaming tears of pain.   I want to be with her but she didn’t want to be with me.  My naiveté blinded me of what was going to eventually come.  She told me what happened was a mistake, that it was nothing more than an alcohol induced moment of passion.  She told me it wasn’t even good enough to repeat.  

She confirmed every negative thought I’ve ever had about myself. 

Then there was Heidi.  I met Heidi at a bar in Indy when I was on business.  We talked and talked.  My ride had to go so I left with him, but I got her number.  As I was leaving, I noticed my friend Jesse sitting next to her.  I felt a grim cold chill, but I shock it off.  Jesse was my roommate and only friend, he wouldn’t fuck me over.  Two hours later, Jesse brought home Heidi and they ended up fucking.  

Heidi confirmed my sneaking suspicion that nice guys finish last.  Again, every negative thought was reinforced. 

Since then I’ve tried to find somebody.  There’s been Hollie, Angela, Kassandra, and Ashley; each one was a resounding failure.  Each one was excessively more painful than the one before.  I know I’m a masochist, but I can’t put myself through the pain of another failure.  As much as I try to think I’m not a pathetic loser that just stinks of desperation, as much as I want to believe there’s hope, it’s starting to look like I might’ve been wrong to call that ambulance when I tried to die.

God, all I want to do is amputate my feelings; after all, my constant negative feelings are basically a diseased limb that threatens to kill the whole body.  I want bleed away the pain.  I want to hack and slash away the agony that all my failures have induced.  I want to play connect the dots with a box cutter.  Don’t worry though; I’m not going to do anything stupid.  I made a promise to dear friend.  Kenny and Jennifer, I haven't forgetten the promises I've made to you, and they’ll be the only promises I’ll never break.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to make the pain stop.  The harder I try, the harder I fail.  Failure compounded by failure.  Pain multiplied with pain.

How does one express the intangible?
The heart's code's hard to unscramble,

But if asked on the spot,
Simply put, I think you're hot.
But only attractive, you are not.

I think you might try to hide
Your  beauty's light  deep inside

To hide its light is your right
Maybe I might, one lucky night,
Get a glimpse of its white hot light.

Now I'm rambling just a bit,
With words I'm gambling I'll admit,

But maybe it'll put a smile on your face
Maybe quicken your hearts pace.
Maybe it'll make you feel fuzzy and warm,
Like being by  a fire during a storm.

Remember one thing, If else nothing,
Where ever you are, whatever you are seeking.
Of you, one person is always thinking.

I don't know why,  why I even try.

Gave suiced a try,  decided to die.

Many tears streamed, a lone heart screamed.

Wanted to fold,  but in the end

On to my cards I did hold.

Scars always fade, memories tend to blur.

And though in my heart emotions  may stir.

I walked them lonely miles,

I wore  many false smiles,

And though Inside I wanted to die.

Though it was hard, I had to try

I would not let God see me cry

Walking down that lonely trail

And even though I felt frail

And felt I was about to fail

Karma would smile upon me.

Karma forcibily would  remind me

The colors of life would be unvailed

And in thier beauty I could prevail.

Pouring like sand through cupped hands.

Karma's smile escapes, the colors become shades.

Dont worry, accept the gray

Memories of color  shall forever stay

As does the hope for a new day.