I've been pretty regular recently.  Which is a good thing.  I recall a time in the summer of 8th grade where I could not recall my last poop.  Does that make sense?  Well regardless, I hadn't pooped in a while and that was (as I was told) "unhealthy" or "unnatural."  So I went to the doctor's office.  And if not pooping in a while was "unnatural" I'm not sure what they consider natural because when I got to the doctor's office, they stuck a finger up my butt.  That didn't feel natural at all.

They actually might have stuck 2 fingers up my butt.  Who knows?  I mean while it was happening, I wasn't exactly looking at the procedure.  Even if it was physically possible, I don't think I could have with my eye lids strained shut in clenching pain.

However, looking back on it now, the procedure was really not half bad.  Literaly, because one week later for my follow up exam the doctors did it again.  Put both of them together and that was a really bad experience.  Apparently, the idiot who examined me the first time failed to document the findings and another doctor had to redo the exam.  However, before the 2nd time, I made sure the original doctor was paged multiple times in the slim chance of fortuitous hope that he decided to come to work on his day off.  And to technology's disavail, our hero could not be paged.  And for the second time in a span of one week, my "Exit only" became a "two way street."

I got over my constipation after pooping bricks for a few weeks.  Painful bricks.  With sharp jagged edges.  It felt like I was pooping unpolished glass.  That summer I conquered constipation I grew 6 inches.  So 9th grade started and I was a 6 footer.  A 6 foot tall 8th grader with 5 foot 6 inch pants.  I looked like a f.o.b.

Not to further disgust you, but that was unfortunately not the last of my butt misadventues.  In the winter of my senior year in high school, I had a very painful stomach ache through the night.  My father thought I was faking illness to miss school (my parents obviously don't think too highly of my moral character) and knowing my extreme disdain for doctors (I had just cause after the fiasco of replicating anal data collection in the summer of 8th grade) threatened to take me to the hospital.  When I refused to put up a fight, he knew I was indeed ill and started the car right away.

Upon arrival of the hospital, the doctor took blood and hooked me up to an IV.  They suspected the worst and immediately set me up for an appendectomy to remove my appendix.  I was horrified!  I've never had surgery, a broken bone, or even stiches!

Well lucky for me, my mother is a nurse.  As she looked at the charts, she mentioned something like my white blood cell count was not consistant with an infected appendix.  Thus removing my appendix would not be a good thing.

THANK YOU MOM!... or should I really be grateful?

The doctor realized his mistake and determined the only other alternative to find out what the problem was, was to do a rectal exam... And despite my violent plea, the doctor would not take my appendix out instead of doing the rectal exam.

"Kevin, don't be crazy!"  Is what my mother said of my plea.

You don't be crazy mom!  These things hurt like hell!

As the doctor lubed up, he said I was lucky to have a mom as a nurse to catch the mistake.  I could have had my appendix taken out.  Yeah lucky me... After I was put to sleep and they realized my appendix was actually healthy they could have done the rectal exam while I was still passed out.

The doctor did not seem to agree with my logic.  He maintains the prevented surgery and the finger up the butt was better.  I fail to see his logic.  Where the hell did this guy go to med school?  He's rather have a finger up the butt than... well I'd take almost anything over a finger up the butt.

"I just want to let you know ahead of time, I'm not paying or this procedure."  I said... I wasn't going to get screwed twice in one day.

"Don't worry.  Your parents have good insurance.  They will pay for it."

"I'll put a stop payment!"  I warned.

"Sorry.  It doesn't work that way."

"I'm the customer!  Customers are always right!"

And just as I was about to receive the "butt end" of the deal a female nurse walked by.  And I quickly aborted the procedure.

"Can she do it instead?"  I chirped.

The doctor was puzzled and looked me very odd.  I knew that look.  He was thinking that I had a thing for nurses.  Knowing he was thinking this I interjected,

"No... I don't have a thing for nurses... I mean my mom is a nurse and that is... yeah..."

The doctor was quite shocked I was so blunt.  I was actually pretty shock I said that myself.  As a matter of fact... so was my mother who had a dumbfounded look on her face.

To try and redeem my faux pas I said, "I want her to do it because she most likely has thinner fingers."

I mean he not only have huge fingers... I think he had like an extra diget on each finger, they were that huge.  And if you have ever had this procedure done to you, you know each knuckle is like another speed bump. And no amount of lube can ease the impact of those speed bumps.  And I was afraid his arthritic speed bumps would break my axel... Too many metaphors... Regardless.. i think you get the picture.

If I could see this nurse again today, I'd like the thank her for subbing in as a pinch hitter.  Not saying it wasn't still painful, but it was a whole lot less painful tan it could have been... oh, and I made sure they wrote the damn results this time.

And after reading over this entry... I have pretty much kissed good-bye my chances of ever dating anyone that ever reads my xanga.