August 2, 2006 · 12:16a
Retract and Re-evaluate

It's been brought to my attention that my last entry may be misinterpreted in ways that could really make me look like an asshole. So I've taken a portion down for it to only grace my blog archives from this point on. I don't know if I just didn't make my language clear enough or some subconscious feelings somehow wedged their way in between the lines. I really hope it's not the latter or else I'm just another fool.

I think I'll go take a bus to the beach solo some time soon. Or just meander around campus in the dead of night to re-evaluate myself as it seems necessary. Who knows. I might come back the same, I might come back changed, I might come back different. Like always I hope that I end up in the middle... changed somehow, not just a little and not a lot, just in the middle.

Truly.

[ blog.mySpace.com/jorohaco]

July 31, 2006 · 9:04a
Dip my feet in the devil's water.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now - here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined when you were young

...

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while --- The Killers "When You Were Young"

This is my new sob song. That's your cue to get outta here while you can before you get tired of my emo soapbox session that's up and coming. This is your chance.

It just seems like I'm really missing out on something lately. I'm 20 and I haven't yet been in any relationship. Nobody to call on a cosntant basis, two or three times a day. No one to say those three little words that you take for granted at such a young age. No one to get in fights with over the petty shit of life but still say those three little words and know that all the bickering really is irrelevant and wouldn't get in the way of that four-letter L word.

I'm afraid that the next time I open my eyes I'll be five or ten years older and be in the same place in terms of relationships. I'm really scared of that and it's making my eyes well up just thinking about it. I wish I could just dip my feet in the devil's water here and there so I can just feel something here and there, now and then.

I know that I'm doing all this physical self-improvement for myself; going to the gym, eating healthy, grooming, etc. But I also don't want to fool myself and say that that's all who I'm doign it for. I admit that I'm doing all that in part for that someone that doesn't even exist in my life, yet or will ever. And so I feel like all this growth is sometimes in vain, because I'm doubting myself I suppose. I'm doubting that anything will happen anytime soon... and anytime soon means years. We're only young for so long. I'm just sitting here waiting for some beautiful boy.

[retracted to re-evaluate: august 2 2006]

So I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. How many years will pass once that cycle is broken or at least thrown off balance? I really hope not too much longer.

I went to bed soundly Saturday night. I was saved in the morning by Lynnette, when she called at 8:45am to go get some breakfast. I love her. At least I have that and others that do. Heck, she's the only one I say 'I love you' to besides family.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now - here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined when you were young.

[ blog.mySpace.com/jorohaco ]

July 9, 2006 · 4:44a
I can't wait 'til the day that will probably never come.

It always hits me at 2am, when you're forced out of the dance club wading through a sea of people on the sidewalks of West Hollywood, upon looking about and seeing the guys that found each other and rest and each others' shoulders. Granted, there aren't many, but they stand out because oh how I'd love to be in those shoes... to rest my head on those shoulders.

On Roberston Boulevard, once they said our connection at Fiesta wasn't working that night I knew what was going down.. absolutely nothing, at least for me. I'm now starting to feel like I'm a burden to the group because I'm either not 21 or I don't have a fake ID. Kyle tried hard to get me into East West but the guard was pretty adamant about it, and rightfully so--plus there were cops and unsuual amounts of security personnel around. He kept apologizing to me though whenever he saw me handing around the balcony, on the outside looking in.

I decided that Rage is my only option other than sitting on the sidewalk looking pretty and pathetic. $15. I had to dip into my savings, reluctantly. That's the most I've ever paid for cover, even toppping Tigerheat which everyone had started complaining about it's $12 peak. And this was solo, by the way.

I danced my heart out. I forgot everyting for a good hour and a half, until I started to look around me at others' fleeting gazes. I made it a goal tonight to practice making consistent eye contact with people, something I have a hard time doing. Though, the ones I had been eyeing clearly weren't interested even if I had given clear tacttile signals. So I continued to dance my heart out, shirtless and all. It was hot and I don't go to the gym to just hide my steady progress. Someone came around and danced with me for about twenty seconds. He was attractive but I may have made a dance move that scared him or was too hardcore or something.

Dominic was there, with yet another guy. Matt Enis was on the dance table. That's all that I had recognized.

WHen it all ended I simply feel silent for the rest of the night. M, Kyle, Michael and them were drunk and clearly having fun. I guess my brain's serotonin balance had tipped off to the side. It always hits me at 2am.

---

It was a few weeks back and at Tigerheat. It was one of the best times with Cathy ever. We chugged down some Tenqueray + Pink Lemonade cocktail and stood in the wrapping line for about 2 hours just to get our dance on. We got in by 1:30a. The club had been extended until 3a because of overflow. It was Madonna night, and UCLA had just gotten out. It was supposed to be a night with Dominic and the rest of the gays but luckily it just ended up being me and Cathy.

We had to pee so bad. Ridiculous.

When we got in, the club was ours. We danced so hard, we even got in some synchronized dance moves that played out perfectly. Then we found a place on some bass units and the rail above us and we were all over each other, aerial-style. That Tenqueray works a little bit like ecstasy, we know that much. We may as well have been on the pill because it was intense, even after the two hour wait.

I fought so hard with myself to not take the shirt off. I won.

That night goes down as one of the greatest stories of LA clubbing.

---

I've been working almost non-stop to make ends meet. USC is demanding large amounts of money outside of my financial aid coverage and I can't keep up. At the same time I'm trying to save for a trip to New York with my sister. It's looking a little shaky but I think we can manage.

So for example, I had been at the Design Studio up 'til 2am last Thursday, only to return literally 6 hours later. On time, too. And that Friday was a 10 hour shift. Illegal? Hell yeah.

I blame it parly on my last check of around $260, when I should be getting close to $500. And for this, I partly blame on my parents---Dad, rather---because of this Texas Family Reunion trip a few weeks ago. I missed three days of work (and not to mention San Francisco Pride, Electric Daisy Carnival, and the LA Erotic Expo all in one weekend).

It was fun, besides all the annoyances. I suppose. Certainly, it was good seeing my aunts and grandma again as well as my own parents and getting some family history recorded in my brain. But the weather and long days and sitting outside in the core of the country of Tyler, TX for five or six hours a day for two days straight got to me. It was 90 degrees or more day and night, humid as hell. Bugs screaming in your face everywhere almost as loud as the dirt bike cruising around.

---

More on my Texas experience later. The moral of the story here is that I can't wait for that day when I'll have a shoulder to rest my head on, that will probably never come.

Truly.

[ blog.mySpace.com/jorohaco]

June 13, 2006 · 1:20a
Here's the day you hoped would never come.

We're growing up and everything's falling into place. The pieces are lining up just as history repeats them. I feel like some kind of watcher, seeing everything just change and go by. Nothing really happens to me. Nothing amazing happens here. I just watch while everyone else's life changes and turns in every which way. And it's all just history repeating itself, really. I'm the quiet one, that watcher that really has nothing to account for. Then I look at some of my friends and they're faced with life decisions that feel infinitely more significant than my own.

And then I feel helpless because I'm stuck in this bubble called the University and am separated by miles of asphalt from those I want to really help, those who I really love. When I do cross the distance all I can do is give them a hug and say, I'll call you when I leave here and increase the distance between us again.

We're growing up and now we're dreaming of yesterday. We're yearning for the teenage years when all the inevitable complexities of adulthood didn't exist or cross our minds for more than five minutes over brown paper-sacks all lined up in a circle.

Next entry will explain "In Limbo." Yet another one of my insignificant trials.

I love you, Phoenix.

Truly.

[ blog.mySpace.com/jorohaco ]

June 10, 2006 · 10:08p
Oh my God.

That bowl was so intense. I'm coming down now, finally. I'm kinda scared of pot now. Courtney apparently couldn't hear the jokes that were in my head. Oh man, they were hilarious. Imma make an art piece of what the hell it felt like to be on this shit. That stuff was like high octane shit. Three hits and on stuff from the past weekend was silly bullshit in comparison.

Today, me, Courtney, mom and dad went to Liberty Station/NTC to see... a brick. Yeah, my dad and I ordered two bricks to be laid down in the Liberty Station Promenade. Oor names all up ons. Then we split and went to the Adulst Superstore. Damn, we got carded... for being under 18. Hells yeah I suppose. Perhaps, perhaps. I almost got some lube, the Pjur Eros but then I thought about when I'd use and then realize that would be never. I almost got another scandalous party game book with dozens of raunchy setups. Then I realized and questioned when it would ever get used. That was deflating.

Afterward, we headed north and that's where I got the three hits. Time was so distorted.. they were right. SO Del Taco was good. Ranch Pringles were good, too.

The night before was Cahty's party. Damn they were drunk. Cathy was done.

Tonight I sleep early. One to sleep away the high of remainder and two, to get up early to get in line with all of maybe two people in front of Target at opening time to get a DS Lite. It should compensate for the lack of a car, so I'll have something preoccupying me on my 4 hour roundtrip bus route once I start class at SMC. June 19. But I get car motion sickness. Gross.

Panic! At the Disco was ridiculously amazing at XFest on Friday. They had a performance and everything. Me and Courtney danced to that and it was delicious. But more delish was our own perf for She Wants Revenge's latest single. That was so hott and scandalous oh my god. Two lesbiaansss were getting all excited at what we were doing, pulling each others' hair and stuff. Fun. I got another necklace complement.

Today I got maybe $90 worth of Aeropostale clothing for maybe $48. Two tees that rock the spreadeagle, a Mae B-Sides album-esque light blu polo and a gromet belt, AE stylized. It was just a day of sales and birds, very.

AWW SHNAP. I need to eat more.

[ blog.mySpace.com/jorohaco]