yesyes. i know it's been way too long for me to come back to this shitty-ass xanga page. i don't really feel like updating the profile to make it pretty or anything. i might change the picture tho. lol.

soooo. college is everything i thought it would be. it's just the same as high school except 1) parents aren't there to tell you what to do, where to go, and when to be home 2) guys don't have to have excuses to fuck every piece of ass they encounter...it's just "normal" for drunken hookups to happen 3) you could meet someone at a party and then never ever see them again. ever.

so yeah. i mean, classes are stupid...even though you think the classes you're taking are going to be cool, they most likely aren't. attendance is important. your grade goes down if you aren't there. that's the part that gets me. terribly.

BUT to look on the bright side, i have an amazing best friend. i have people at work that love me and we party. i have the girlies on my floor to keep me company. and even though most of the guys are shallow, sneaky, and whores...it's so easy to make friends.

i miss home and i miss my other friends. i miss being able to talk to intelligent people. lol. everyone here just seems like they're living a fake life. a life that they wish would be their real life. but it isn't. it's just this sheet they pull over themselves to shield themselves from the world. hummm. i wish people would just be themselves. fully.

so yeah...that's my life right now. i love you guys!

OMG!  i'm updating! and i never update anymore! ummm...if anyone really reads this anymore, i'm doing just dandy. i'm really looking forward to IU next semester and the job i'm supposed to be getting is going to be hell! ...but it will at least give me some money to spend while i'm in bloomington.

for all the band people who read this, i really hate band! i'm not gonna lie and tell you that it's "kinda fun" because it isn't. not to be a bitch, but the music department, at least in the band section of it, has really fallen since i've been a BD. not that any of you non-band people care, but i used to be really into playing and performing and being as close to perfect as i could, but now i'm just pushed into this abyss of not caring about band. it's sort of leaked into my academics too, but i'm still doing very well according to standards. i think the reason i feel like i'm not doing well is becuase i don't really try hard or get interested in anything that i do at school...ever.

being a senior is amazing, yet pathetic...i get to leave and live on my own and be independent, take classes i want to take, see people i want to see...ya know. but at the same time i'll be leaving some of my best friends...some are going to other colleges in Indiana, some are leaving the state, some are still going to be stuck in high school. it's just a sick thing to think about when you're not sure if everything will be the same or not. ....i know it definately won't, but part of me wants this fucked up part of my life to stay.

i just want to let all of you know that regardless of the fact that i may not see you again, may not see you very often, yada yada...you've impacted me and helped contribute to my character. so whether or not i'm a bitch to you...or just ACT like one...i still care about you, i'm still going to recollect the times we've spent together, and i'm going to remember you. goodbye cruel world...hello college ...a.k.a. another cruel, but different, world.

hey!  sorry about neglecting xanga. i'm all caught up in myspace....sorry!!  lol

i guess i'm doing okay for a highschool kid about to graduate. that's pretty much the only thing keeping me going...the fact that i will be in b-town next semester!  oh yes....

well i don't have anything else to say, but you should comment anyway!  or don't. lol

i have this strange quality that just pisses people off. i don't understand it and i don't know where it comes from, but i'm so fucking good at it, it makes me sick. I'll start talking to someone and then, the next thing i know, we're fighting about something i said or did. i guess i'm good at starting the fights, maybe just because i offend people easily, but all i want is the truth out of people. it isn't like i'm trying to find out things about people and then use them against them...i just want to know people better than i had before. i think i might pry too much, but i think if people have trouble communicating, they can't really be as happy because they have so much shit that they still hold on to. no so much as having "skeletons in the closet"...but mainly just bad experiences. i want nothing more than to help people deal with life. life sucks ass, but we all have to deal with it...i just think it's easier if you have someone to talk to. but all i want to do is help!!  i promise.

...if you have any idea what i do to piss people off, please contact me (797-0291)  or just leave a comment

so other than this shit, i've been dealing with a lot of other shit...lol.  i hate how guys keep fooling me into thinking that i am a good person, but then leaving me anyway and making me feel worthless. to all the boys: if you tell a girl that she's amazing and you love her, don't fucking leave her...becuase everything cancells out, and you look like a prick.

being alone at night makes me wish i wasn't in high school, i wasn't in indiana, i wasn't alive. i want to be a character in a movie, because either there is a happy ending or someone dies. these movie people got it right, because what's the point in living an unhappy life? not everyone gets dealt the same cards, but we all deserve a chance to be happy...i'm just waiting. to die or to be happy

waiting for you