lol

more than a month has gone by

goes to show you how much i am starting to dislike these things

so this will probably be my last xanga entry ever, or at least for a really long time after this, because i think these provide way too much of an opportunity to be ambiguous and confusing and start fights and rants and raves like the one i am going on now without ever fixing them.  so i'm thinking i will start all future fights and rants and raves to people in person to get rid of the confusingness of not beeing able to show enough body language (cuz smileys don't always cut it) and not being able to hear people respond instantly. 

i'm not hating on any of you guys who still love and use xanga daily, it's just that i'm xanga retarded and i tend to either piss people off, confuse them, or otherwise make them irritable through some of the things i put on here.  so if you are getting pissed off, confused, or otherwise irritable by reading this entry, then you are proving my point.  thanks.

anyways, love to all on God's green and blue and yellow and pink and brown and orange and black and purple and red and aquamarine and teel and navy and gray and crimson and chartruse and maroon and any other color earth.

ya'll make my life what it is to some degree and for that i give my props to you

God bless (he's a cool kid)

how great is our god?

sing with me

how great is our god?

and all will sing

how great, how great is our god?

allllllllllllllll of you who responded to my last entry (yes even you rebecca) rock so hard!

i am glad it is getting out that soft girl's hair is majorly my weakness!  now just let me play with your hair.....

i love that all of you responded cuz i get to take a look at myself from your perspectives. 

Being completely serious here, i am ashamed at myself at how i have hurt some of you who i respect greatly, but have not taken the time to stay close to.  i know i cannot change the fact that i have hurt you, but please know it is my fault from my own selfish intentions.  COMPLETELY SERIOUS: every one of those who responded deserves the uttermost respect and love from as far as i can see.

if you responded and you do not know one of the others who responded along with you, look them up and track them down cuz they are some of the coolest people ever.  please believe me when i say that those who responded and i know well, you are (or were in the past, unfortunately) some of THE GREATEST INFLUENCES IN MY LIFE.  and for this i thank you.

pray hard, pray often, and, as i have just recently learned, believe in the power of those prayers with all you got.

god's love and my measly portion as well,

zapel

falling into peer pressure (you know what to do)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:

[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] OMIT

[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I lovable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your xanga and see what I say about you?

skip any you want

in fact skip a lot of the unimportant ones

in fact in fact skip the whole thing if you think these are dumb

i just wanted to know how i come across to some people cuz i try to live my life with a certain image and i have no idea if it comes across that way

love ya if you do or don't fill out this thing cuz your opinion is yours to give or keep to yourself

pray hard, zapel

the musical was STINKING AWESOME!  it was so fun to run and a bunch of the people i talked to liked it!  yay!  if you haven't seen it yet then come saturday or sunday!  you will not leave unhappy!

love yall!

zapel

i have thought about how i try to act happy all the time, even when i am not actually all that happy and i have come to some conclusions about that.  and don't think i am faking being happy when my life is really miserable cuz that's not it at all, i am blessed and i know it/love it.  but i was just thinking about some of the things that bug me that i never actually show that they bug me.

1.  forcing conversation - it's something i think is by far one of the stupidest habbits in the world, yet i find myself doing it all the time.  so when i feel obligated to (and often do) make forced conversation it bugs me and when other people start forced conversations it bugs me.  My hate of and eventual refusual to join in pointless and forced conversation often leads to awkward silence, which i find is covered nicely by phisical activity.  This would explain my love for playing with girls hair and for massages, both of which seemed to be shunned by society, just to drive me mad.  i do not have the hots for every girl whose hair i play with or give a massage to, i just enjoy their company and i don't feel like talking pointlessly.  Summing it all up, if i wanna give someone a massage or any other physical activity, i enjoy their company and don't wanna talk.  if i do try to force conversation, i enjoy their company but don't feel right doing any physical activity because of an outside circumstance.  if i don't even attempt forced conversation or a physical activity with someone, i don't care for their presence.

2. weird obsessions - if someone came to my house and decided that they didn't like my socks because they had yellow cloth on the toes, i would really think they were stupid.  all totally irrational fears and dislikes bug me cuz they make no sense.  if someone does not like cheese because it is distantly related to cows' udders, then i just want to slap them.  i don't like cheese because it often makes me sick and i find the taste to be bad, not because i can't stand the thought of farmer joe's hands touching bessy's udders to get the milk to make my cheese. 

3.  i don't know how to put this into words, but i do have an anecdote.  a friend of mine asked me for a ride somewhere and so i told him i would give him one.  he asked me if i liked my car and i said i did, but i added that i hated the stereo because it would skip all the time (anyone who was in my car before the new stereo knows this).  well, i had to pick up my mom as well so i stopped by the house and she got in the car.  we got to where my mom was getting out so i stopped and she got out.  just before she closed the door, she asked me if i liked my new car and i told her i loved it and she closed the door.  my friend then gave me a look practically accusing me of being a liar, but didn't say a thing although i knew he was thinking that i had just lied to my mom.  i really wanted to kick him out of my car right there.  first of all, i did not lie to my mom one bit!  i love my car!  the crappy stereo was maybe 3 percent dislike compared to 97 % love of my car!  if she had asked me if i liked my stereo i would have told her that it was terrible and i was probably going to get a new one.  but i had about three seconds to respond because she was GETTING OUT OF THE CAR!!! WHAT KIND OF UNGRATEFUL TWIT WOULD  DO NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN ABOUT A BAD RADIO ON AN OTHERWISE AWESOME CAR TO HIS MOTHER!!!!!!!  and if that fool sitting next to me had been in my shoes, he would have said the exact same thing!!!  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!  so i really hate it when people think they have 'caught me in a lie' when it would be stupid and untruthful not to do what i did, which is often exactly what they would do if they were in that situation.

so those are the things that get me "t-o"ed.  i'm not having a bad day or anything like that, it's just something on the internet made me think about how mad i got at some things, but often bottled it up.  so yeah, i'm not gonna try so hard to bottle em up anymore cuz some days you can only take so much.  thank god today was not one of those days.

i'm glad god doesn't have some of those weird quirks. 

he rocks

amen

lol

zapel