im sitting here covered in ice cream and smelling like rotten milk..i think..i just got off work..thanks for asking..so i was going to see you tonight..but you picked up a shift..i dont understand why you dont understand just how much i care about you..i mean..a little..but you dont seem to think i like you at all..or something..and im trying so hard..you have no idea. im sorry that i cant be perfect..everything im doing is as good as i can.but..you. you dont even seem to be trying like youve just given up on me..and you kinda told me you did..because i had to work late one night you got angry..which i kind of understand..buuutt..not really. and you told me i dont know if its working..i dont know if it will work..and something about you didnt know if you cared about me anymore..i think maybe maybe not....well the thing that bothers me the most...is if its over for you..then just let me know. dont just leave me holding on..do nothing. id understand..adn id move on..eventually..im so afraid i  dont know what else to say..im trying im trying im trying..bu ti dont know what else to do..i love you ..and i dont want us to end..i think that we'll be fine..i dont think we have that many problems..and the ones that we do..arnt completely major..and i dont want anything from  you..i just want you to stay..but not if your unhappy..please just tell me. ..im so paranoid about this..one little think you might say..scares me..cuz ill take it and think about it and break it down..and wonder what exactly you meant..when really it was nothing..please understand.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

so ..i basically base my life..on this thought...this dream perhaps..that its still there..he loves me and i love him..it just wasnt time yet..but its coming..it will work out..hes the only one for me.. thats all there is to it..so then..one day..you see him and the thought crosses your mind..that..maybe you dont love him anymore..you love what you had..but which one is it???..i dont know either..im trying to fiqure that out..but i need him for that right??..and then he'd have to find out about how for almost two years now..i cant stop thinking about him...and if it is over.completely..where do i go from here...i have no idea how to do this...oh and something else..what is a real relationship..i mean..when is it purely physical..and what do you know about the other person..how much time do you spend together..i dont think i know how to have a real relationship...and maybe..im scared to have one..cuz...i dont know what one is..and maybe i'll think it is..but im most definetly wrong..which would not surprize me..ok thats it then on love..for now..

..i can never be alone..i would die..there's always someone saving me..how could i live alone.??..what would become of me..i cant stop and i dont know why..i realized..i dont think i just do this to relive pain..i mean..maybe thats why i did it..but i think part of it is just cuz..it doesnt hurt me..nor does it bother me..really..i mean it kinda sucks..cuz i have to base my outfits on whether or not they cover everything..this guy..at the party the other night..totally saw..and looked at me all wierd..but he was gay..so...idk..i just told him i was sorry..and he said you shouldnt do that..i think then i said i didnt..but i was fucked up and it was fun..i loved it