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| life has no pause button....and I love it!Alright, once more, good fucking couple of days. So, you all heard I saw Tech N9ne on Thursday, then went back to the underground saturday for SPUN. Well, i guess you could say that me and Curtis started goin out on Saturday, although I was still a little skepticle at the time.Anyway, be happy for me cause I got a kick ass bf, who is so sweet, he drives me all the way back home from vermilion and does so much for me. sooooo sweet. Anway, I'll start off with Sunday since you heard all about Saturday. Sunday, I didn't get home till sometime during the evening. But it was good, then Monday.....wait, what did I do Monday? Oh, ok, Monday I had practice for my Halloweekends show, which, by the way, if I dont see every one of you there at some point, I will hunt you down! Practice went well even though I had to cut it short and felt kinda bad about it. Then, around like 5 o'clock, me, Lisa, jess, Brad, and Mom decided we should go to the beach because we're all sweating like we're on freakin fire. So, we head to the beach for a little while. I get a call from Curtis and he tells me all about his INCREDIBLY shitty day. I'm not going into details about it, because I could be here all day if I tried, just believe me when I say it was the day from HELL! So, we went to Taco Bell after the beach and mom was nice enough to go to The Exchange after that so I could go see Curtis. So, by the time we get there the store is actually closed, but Curtis let's me in. H's in a pretty bad mood, whcih I don't blame him, so he wants to go party a little and relax. Asks if I wanna go and of course I say yes. So, I ask mom if it's cool if I go home with Curtis, she says sure, but she wants to meet him. So, Curtis goes out and meets my mom, and the first thing my mom says when Curtis goes back inside is.."He's REALLY cute!". And yes, he is. So, from The exchange, we go to Rob's house to attempt to relax and try to work some of these probs out. So, after that, we go hang out with Curtis's friend Brian. Another awesome dude by the way. So we get Brian and go to thier friend Wees's house. We end up pitching a tent in Wees's back yard and chillin out there till like 6am. So, I wake up Tuesday morning, or afternnon, around noon. It's hot as hell and I need a shower VERY badly.So, we pack up, go to Curtis's brandparents house for some food, a shower, and eventually a nap. Curtis has got to have the comfiest best EVER. Anway, so, I sleep for a little while until Curtis comes to wake me up. Earlier, we decided we were going to go to the tech show in Cleveland. So, I pull my ass together and we head for Cleveland. Got to see Critical Bill again, which rocked my world. Also, I bumped into Amanda Mougey. Which was awesome, cause we went into the pit together and got beet up, which always rocks. So, we stayed at Peabody's for a while, watched some Tech n9ne, talked to some cool people. And we were out. We left, went back to Wees's place for a while. Just chilled and stuff. It was cool. Then Curtis drove me back home at like 4am. He's so freakin sweet. I can't believe everything he's been doing for me lately. Took me to concert, he's been amkin sure I get home when it's a good hour away from where he lives. God, he's a frekain sweetheart. Alright, I'll stop being all mushy now. But, I can't help but feel bad for everything he's done for me. I hope it's been worth it for him. | | |
| it just won't end!seriosuly, awesome night last night. I should've been all freakin out. I got dropped off at The Underground by Chris and Aly. I didn't think much of it cause I knew other people I knew were comin and I'd be able to get home. Well, nobody showed up except for Joey, which he didn't show until I called him. But he showed up and I put my purse in his car so I wouldn't be braggin it around everywhere. At one point, I told Joey that if he didn't want to stay that I'd be cool with that. I think there was some misinterpretation somewhere, but it doesn't matter. Anyway, he left with my purse still in his car. So I ended up staying at Rob's (SPUN) house. Which was awesome, so the night turned out and everything's all good. We stayed up till like 6am. Way too much fun. Chinese stage dives fuckin rule!
Ok, and update on the mystery man as well. His name is Curtis (CDubs). He's one of the two members of SPUN. check them out cause they rock. He's really cute and freakin awesome. He's from Vermillion. I'm still not sure if we're together or not. He asked me yesterday, but I'm not sure yet. We'll see. Anyway, check out his myspace. SPUN | | |
| TECH N9NE!!!Wow, what a fucking concert. Critcal Bill was incredible! I went up on stage with the guitar player, Mike. He put his guitar around me and played from behind me, it was awesome. Then I crowd surfed a little, got thrown back on stage and rapped a little "Jump Around" with Powerdise (vocals). I almost passed out during Tech cause it was so freakin hot I couldn't breathe. So I'm missed like the last half of the show including "Imma Tell" and "I'm A Playa". But it's alright, cause I still had a good time  . It was freakin great. i met some really good people and got closer to alot of my friends. Awesome! Plus, I actually met a really great guy tonight. Nothing serious, but he was really cool and a total sweetheart. Not getting into details just yet, but you might hear some later. | | |
| Wow! To be totally honest, I didn't think anyone would even read my last post. And to see all the reaction I got form it, really gives me hope. Thank you everyone for believing in who I am, even though I may not be sure. Your support is exactly what I need right now. I'm lucky to have you guys. | | |
| Theatre's over.... so what now? Happiness seems like a mile away. I have people who love me, but will it ever be enough for me. I guess I feel the need to write right now. Why is it I hate myself if I'm not with anyone? Why can I absolutely not be alone for more than 2 weeks. I feel completely unworthy of anyone's love or even affection. Will I ever be alright with who I am? Will I ever really understand who I am? I look back on myself and all I can seem to do is regret almost everything. I can't stop hating me. If I were someone else looking at me, I'd hate me. I try to be a "good person", but what the hell is that? I feel like every good deed I've ever done, I only did to benefit myself somehow. I sometimes wish I could just be one of the shallow people. Know what I want and never regret a thing. I hate the a bility to think so deeply sometimes. I just wanna like myself. But I can't stop basing my self-esteem on what other people think of me. But I only do it sometimes. Other times, I could give a shit. I'm so mixed up and up in the air. I could be a million different people if I wanted to be. I'm like a Barbie Doll. Goth Jeni. Cheerleader Jeni. Raver Jeni. Hippie Jeni. Stoner Jeni. Punk Jeni. Rebel Jeni. Prepie Jeni. Slutty Jeni. ..... But I can never be just Jeni. It's either one perona, or nothing at all. Maybe I'm just completely insane. I'm such a fuckin hypocrit. | | |
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