GONE TO RECRUTE TRAINING IN PARRIS ISLAND>

BE BACK IN 3 MONTHS!>>PRAY FOR ME

Blank face in the windowpane
Made clear in seconds of light
Disappears and returns again
Counting hours, searching the night

Might be waiting for someone
Might be there for us to see
Might be in need of talking
Might be staring directly at me

Inside plays a lullaby
Slurred voice over children cries
On the inside

Haunting loneliness in the eye
Skin covering a secret scar
His hand is waving a goodbye
There's no response or action returned

There is deep prejudice in me
Outshines all reason inside
Given dreams all ridden with pain
And projected unto the last

Picture this if you will. Your trapped in the bathroom. the door is locked and smoke is coming through from the other side. Your head hurts. Your cold, scared, and lonely. The only person who can unlock the door is at the other side screeming all your mis givings at you. You try to talk but she wont listen, she is determioned to account for all your flaws. so you keep trying to get out. But every movement hurts. Every word burns in your throught. the smoke keeps filling up the room. its getting hard to breath. Each breath hurts a little more. But still, you try to bargain with the person on the other side of the door. But they seem oblivius to whats going on on your side of the door. There screemes of anger keep geting louder, and louder, and louder.  Your ears start to bleed. every thing hurts. your eyes start watering. Now your becoming week. but still you try to bargain with the door keeper. But she still doesnt hear you. It is a compleaty 1 sided argument. you know you cant win, she wont relent. Your limbs start to go numb, you no longer feel cold. You feel kinda waitless. you lose touch with reality. So in the end you just collapse onto the floor, and hope, pray. that some one will open the door. that someone will save you.

picture that and you will know how i feel right now.

curently ripping my hair out and wishing i wery suffocating in a cloud of fucking smoke. My realashonship is poisoning my control. I cant say what i feel cause i hurt her. she cant tell me cause she is afreid. so i find out from the friends i hold dear when they cleary dont want to be part of it. that she is upset. That is not how i like to lern about this kinda stuff, from someone other thatn her, it pisses me off. I go out of my way to include her. and still do what i want to do. but, IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I cant obviusly make her happy, I am so close to just breaking down and leaving this place for fuckin good. It used to be home. Now all it is is a portrait of failiur, constantly consuming me. I have 1 month to leave, one month to tie up lose ends, one month to make sure the ppl i care about know i are about them, but one month is only enough time to fall on your face. She says all she wants is time with me, i give her time all the time. but its not good enough, 2 weeks ago, it was just spending time with me. now its spending alone time with me. I just cant keep up anymore. I have no time to breath cause i am constantly explaing myself to everyone, cause i am the bad guy. well just remeber that when your sleeping and i am giving my life and time to keep your asses safe in bed, I made choices and you all said you were happy with them, but now its ime for them to collect on my word and you all fall to peices. the whole world just needs to leave me the fuck alone....

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

"planing the future is like going fishing in a dry gultch; nothing ever works out as you wanted, so give up all your schemes and ambitions.

if you have got to think about something--  make it the uncertainty of your death..."