i'm starting to enjoy life...i know, isn't it crazy?!  every once and a while i find myself actually feeling happy for no apparent reason.  no one is telling a joke or some funny story, or trying to tickle me...i actually feel happy on my own. o_0  i know...it's a weird feeling.  i strongly believe part of the reason is because i'm away from hellport...yes, i was a bit depressed before i went there, but it just made my outlook on life all the more depressing...the only good thing that i got out of hellport was an amazing bestfriend and a really great boyfriend...but now that i'm away from there and am working and learning something i'm actually interested in, i find myself feeling happy in little spurts here and there.  i mean, don't get me wrong, i wasn't not happy over the past four or so years, but i never really felt completely happy...but now, there are little moments where i am happy...it's a whole new emotion that i have to get a feel for so that i don't over use it...

the BILLs...good game, sadly a loss of 26-17 to the jets, but overall a good game.  #95, looking damn good as always.  5-3 season so far!

due to a korean blonde moment, i missed the BILLS game last sunday...but i heard it was a good one!  trent was playing at the the same level as before his concussion.  #95 got a few mentions...i wish i would have thought to check other stations than the one that time warner isn't showing...but anywho, woot woot for a 5-1 season so far!!!

i'm really loving my classes.  i hate to say it, but deep down i think a part of me is sort of artsy-fartsy...i'd rather be a math-comp. sci sort of person...but i really love the art classes that i'm taking.  although, dual majoring is really wreaking havoc on my schedule.  since i have to take certain classes that are only offered at certain times, it causes me to schedule crazy hours where i work.  next semester, i'll be working three 10-hour shifts and two 5-hour shifts...and the 5-hour shifts are also paired with an 11-hour day of classes...obviously, i have breaks within the 11 hours, but it'll be a crazy day...even with the crazy hours i keep, it is a bazillion times better than hellport...but as i was saying, i love the art classes, but ultimately i intend to pursue a career in web development...so i might drop my artsy-fartsy major to free up some time and concentrate on my web career...

so....i ended up getting another tattoo......i'm at the point where little spots might cause a twinge of pain, but overall it feels like i'm getting a massage when i'm being tattooed.  boy, that looks like a funny way of spelling that...tattooed...meh.  i can't really get a good picture of it because it's on my back...but i absolutely love it!  and hate it at the same time...you see, this is the first tat that i haven't quickly shown to my parents when i got home to see their reaction...mainly because i owe my mom some money and if she saw i got a tattoo before paying everything i owe her, i think she'd kill me, lol.  oh well.

i can't believe it's almost the end of october already. 

hell f'ing yes!!! BILLS 3-0.  we had a lot of turnovers, a lot of fumbles, but in the end...in the very last three seconds, we pulled it off with a 24-23 win over the raiders!!! bwa-hahahahahahaha.  95 was amazing as always! ^_^

this art class is slowly killing my brain...i'm also realizing that there aren't very many happy thoughts floating around in my head.  anything that i come up with as a basis for any of my projects usually involves pain of some kind, whether it be broken hearts, punching walls, or any sort of unhappy thoughts...but i did draw some flowers the other day...

i wish i had more time in my day....or could run on less sleep...either would work for me.

i'm back.

i'm alive.

damn slow internet connections...but no worries!  i have a faster one for at least four months! yay!

a lot has happened since i "graduated" from college.  i shall share later...maybe...i do know, that i've gone through a lot of growth and i love myself more.  yes, you should  be applauding and or hugging me.  it's been at least eight years since i've actually loved a little part of my self.  hey, at least it's a little right?

i punched a wall saturday, three times actually.  ^_^ it was amazing.

it has taken me six years to realize that i don't just have one wall built up around my heart and emotions; i have many walls of different sizes scattered here and there around me...so even if you get past one wall and all you see is a single pathway, if you follow that pathway, you will come to another wall that might be taller, shorter, wider, or skinnier than the wall you just tore down.  i know there are people that are quite a ways past many of the walls, and feel quite comfortable walking back and forth between two walls as if they were measuring how far it is from one wall to the other and calculating some random formula that no one has mathematically discovered just because they have the time and don't feel like going further because they feel that where they are is perfect, and that is perfect for them.  i know there are people who are still stuck on the outermost wall, trying to climb the top to see what they'd have to do to get inside...to see if it's worth it.  i can tell you now, it's not....but if you wait, there are times when a small crack can be seen from far away, and if you blink, you'll miss that moment.  the moment when all of the walls crack in the same place, enough for you to see the blood flowing throughout the heart, but before the blood and all of the emotions can drip out of the small crack, the walls close....i know there is a certain someone who tried to tear down all of the walls...but every time one was torn down, another was built further inside, and i'm sure they stopped trying because of that.  i should have let them in...sometimes i wish i could be like the amazing people i know that just wear their emotions on their sleeves.  you always know how they feel about what you've said or what you've done.  you don't have to dance around trying to figure out if you should do this or say that in order to keep everything okay...but i can't do that.  if i truly let everyone see everything, i don't think there would be a group of everyone around in order to see everything...

i hate that age brings about realization…and more so a realization of the past and the mistakes you made that could have been prevented…that could have put you at a different place in your life right now had you not made the mistakes that you didn’t realize would be mistakes until you made them.

on a lighter note, i finally got new glasses.  i bought them last week and they came in today...yay!