Hello… its been awhile since I have written in here… I wish I could say I have had a good past month or so but I haven’t… I hated school so much and I didn’t really care about it. I gave up on it and my grades show that… it turned out to be my worst semester since probably ever… I can’t remember ever doing that bad… I screwed myself over and I can no longer graduate with top honors. I am very depressed over that… especially since I disappointed my parents… they had such high expectations and I couldn’t live up to them… I tried until last semester and then I gave up. I honestly wanted to drop out of school…and I use to LOVE school… and now I HATE it and really don’t know how much I would care if I just didn’t go back next semester. I only have student teaching left and then I will be done… but that means it will be the most stressful semester of my life… I don’t think I can handle any more stress because it will just put me more into a deeper depression than I am already in.

I wanna give up on life… I don’t really know why but I just don’t wanna deal with anything anymore. I hope things get better really soon… something needs to make me happy. Christmas never makes me happy so something else has to happen soon.

The only good thing that has happened was I went to Jakie’s soccer game tonight. It was so cute watching him play. He is the smallest one on the team. He plays with four and five year olds. He loves playing goalie!!! He left like one out of ten balls get into the goal! Everyone in the stands loves him and always cheers for him. Most of the time though he kicks the ball the wrong way… but he is cute.

I went and observed for a day in a fourth grade classroom of one of the worst schools in the district… it was an interesting day. I had to break up two fights. I loved the kids more than I expected but I do not know if I could handle spending most of the day discipline the students and stopping fights than spending the time teaching them. The students are disadvantaged and do not have much family involvement in their life.

I miss my girls from QU a lot… I can’t wait to see them soon… although I will be back a week earlier than everyone else. I am the student teacher for Project Renew for Applied College Algebra… I just hope I remember everything and can teach it well… I need to look over the book some before then.

Four day wasnt too bad. I spent a lot of time with the little bro. He finally grew 2 inches... it has been over a year since he moved in with us and he never grew an inch or gained a pound that whole time. Hopefully the little guy gets a big growth spurt and gets to normal height for his age. I really wish I was still at home spending time with Jakie and my puppies. I miss them a lot and the next time I will get to see them is over a month away.

I dont feel good at all today. I have had several migranes in the last week and I just cant handle them anymore. My stomach also kills as well. This sucks!

I got replaced in my clinical and I am starting in like 5 hours. I really wish i would be asleep right now, but I feel like shit and can't sleep. I just hope I am not slipping into the end of last year again when I never slept. I dont think I can go through all of that shit again.

I still hate school more than ever, but at least now I am starting to get my homework done. Although right now I am avoiding my American Culture paper because I have no idea what I am going to write on. I hope school starts to get better. In a few weeks, my last two classes will be starting and that means even more homework. Oh I just can't wait. I am in a second grade classroom right now for my clinical and I love the kids. I broke through to the hardest kid in the class today and I was sooooo happy. The teacher was even impressed because he usually never does anything for her. Although she decided that she does not want a student teacher next semester so I have to be replaced in Jan. This could be a good and bad thing. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happends.

Home is not going too well. Both my grandmothers are really sick and have new heart problems. My parents are also going through some bad times so I hope they fix it and stay together for my little brother. I miss Jake a lot and can't wait to see him too. Tazzer almost died a couple weeks ago and I was extremely upset. I don't know what I am going to do when he passes away. He has been in my life for about 13 years!

I had a little too much fun last weekend. Oh the shit I do. No more vodka for me!

I keep writing everything but then delete it...

I just wish I could let out what is going on in my head. Obviously all of my true friends know I am going through a few things right now. My head just isn't here anymore. I am just not me anymore. I don't know how to explain it but I am just not the same person I was like two months ago.

I just dont know what to do right now. Every day I feel myself slipping a little farther away.