zxzkelbellzxz's Xanga

Friday, December 22, 2006

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 04:05:07 GMT

Hello… its been awhile since I have written in here… I wish I could say I have had a good past month or so but I haven’t… I hated school so much and I didn’t really care about it. I gave up on it and my grades show that… it turned out to be my worst semester since probably ever… I can’t remember ever doing that bad… I screwed myself over and I can no longer graduate with top honors. I am very depressed over that… especially since I disappointed my parents… they had such high expectations and I couldn’t live up to them… I tried until last semester and then I gave up. I honestly wanted to drop out of school…and I use to LOVE school… and now I HATE it and really don’t know how much I would care if I just didn’t go back next semester. I only have student teaching left and then I will be done… but that means it will be the most stressful semester of my life… I don’t think I can handle any more stress because it will just put me more into a deeper depression than I am already in.

I wanna give up on life… I don’t really know why but I just don’t wanna deal with anything anymore. I hope things get better really soon… something needs to make me happy. Christmas never makes me happy so something else has to happen soon.

The only good thing that has happened was I went to Jakie’s soccer game tonight. It was so cute watching him play. He is the smallest one on the team. He plays with four and five year olds. He loves playing goalie!!! He left like one out of ten balls get into the goal! Everyone in the stands loves him and always cheers for him. Most of the time though he kicks the ball the wrong way… but he is cute.

I went and observed for a day in a fourth grade classroom of one of the worst schools in the district… it was an interesting day. I had to break up two fights. I loved the kids more than I expected but I do not know if I could handle spending most of the day discipline the students and stopping fights than spending the time teaching them. The students are disadvantaged and do not have much family involvement in their life.

I miss my girls from QU a lot… I can’t wait to see them soon… although I will be back a week earlier than everyone else. I am the student teacher for Project Renew for Applied College Algebra… I just hope I remember everything and can teach it well… I need to look over the book some before then.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 06:40:11 GMT

Four day wasnt too bad. I spent a lot of time with the little bro. He finally grew 2 inches... it has been over a year since he moved in with us and he never grew an inch or gained a pound that whole time. Hopefully the little guy gets a big growth spurt and gets to normal height for his age. I really wish I was still at home spending time with Jakie and my puppies. I miss them a lot and the next time I will get to see them is over a month away.

I dont feel good at all today. I have had several migranes in the last week and I just cant handle them anymore. My stomach also kills as well. This sucks!

I got replaced in my clinical and I am starting in like 5 hours. I really wish i would be asleep right now, but I feel like shit and can't sleep. I just hope I am not slipping into the end of last year again when I never slept. I dont think I can go through all of that shit again.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 00:03:00 GMT

I still hate school more than ever, but at least now I am starting to get my homework done. Although right now I am avoiding my American Culture paper because I have no idea what I am going to write on. I hope school starts to get better. In a few weeks, my last two classes will be starting and that means even more homework. Oh I just can't wait. I am in a second grade classroom right now for my clinical and I love the kids. I broke through to the hardest kid in the class today and I was sooooo happy. The teacher was even impressed because he usually never does anything for her. Although she decided that she does not want a student teacher next semester so I have to be replaced in Jan. This could be a good and bad thing. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happends.

Home is not going too well. Both my grandmothers are really sick and have new heart problems. My parents are also going through some bad times so I hope they fix it and stay together for my little brother. I miss Jake a lot and can't wait to see him too. Tazzer almost died a couple weeks ago and I was extremely upset. I don't know what I am going to do when he passes away. He has been in my life for about 13 years!

I had a little too much fun last weekend. Oh the shit I do. No more vodka for me!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 06:49:27 GMT

I keep writing everything but then delete it...

I just wish I could let out what is going on in my head. Obviously all of my true friends know I am going through a few things right now. My head just isn't here anymore. I am just not me anymore. I don't know how to explain it but I am just not the same person I was like two months ago.

I just dont know what to do right now. Every day I feel myself slipping a little farther away.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 02:45:21 GMT

It is already in the 4th week of school. I absolutely HATE school right now. I have completed made a 360 in my attitude towards school. I have already skipped classes, I failed two quizzes in one class, failed an exam in another class, havenâ€™t done more than like two homework assignments, and just plain HATE school. I donâ€™t understand why I am like this. Although I already feel overwhelmed by everything I have to do. Honestly I donâ€™t know what I am going to do because half of my classes havenâ€™t even started and I canâ€™t keep up with everything. My clinical at the grade school hasnâ€™t started as well as my seminar that goes along with it. My SYE class and my Ethical Issues in Education havenâ€™t started either. Right now I am taking over 18 hours and I just donâ€™t think I can handle everything.

I found something I love doingâ€¦. Gambling! I think I am getting addicted to it. I am already scared that like a month down the road I will be doing terrible because I just donâ€™t care about school anymore.

I hope things get better. I just need a reality check and maybe things will get back to the way that they are supposed to be. At least I hope so.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 20:01:35 GMT

i will be back in Quincy in a week! I am coming Friday with Mom and Jakie. Mom is going to help me clean the house and then Dad and the bro in law are bring all of my stuff on Saturday. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I wanna be back with everyone but I know there is going to be problems as soon as everyone is back.

So i was back to "normal" after everything that ahppened at the end of the year but I am not doing as well as I would like to be doing. I am afraid I am going to let myself go back to the bad situation that I was in. Hopefully I will figure things out before it is too late. I know I can talk to a few of you anyways if I need to especially my family tree! I love you girls no matter what!

I have became too attached to my brother and I don't know if I can be gone from him as long as I will be. I guess I will be making more trips home than usual.

I need to start packing and buying some new stuff. Every year I seem to double the stuff I brought from the year before.

i miss you girls and can't wait to see you soon!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 02:36:26 GMT

I never realized how addicted to the Internet I am until I don’t have it for two weeks. My contract went out two weeks ago and I had to really convince my mom that I needed her to get into a new one. I am use to checking my e- mail every day and facebook. I am happy that I have it back. But I kind of feel bad that my mom is paying for internet when I am only going to be here for like 18 more days and then off and on for the next year. Oh well.

Every time something medical goes wrong with me it always has to be difficult. My wisdom teeth finally started bothering me so I went to see an oral surgeon. Turns out I have to have all four taken out VERY soon. My bottom right wisdom tooth is compact or something but that I guess is the least of the worries. The root of the tooth is twisted around the big nerve in my mouth. When they do the surgery there is a chance if they have to touch the nerve at all that I could go numb. The numbness could last for a day to the rest of my life. My lip and chin will go numb. I just can’t wait for my surgery on the 10th.

I am worried about next year. I just have a feeling that everything in my life is going to go wrong. I am worried that my priorities are no longer in the right order. I don’t think I am going to push myself to do great in my classes anymore. I think I am going to just let myself slide by this year. I think it is time for me to have fun and not worry about everything anymore. Maybe that is a good idea and maybe that is a bad idea.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 21:13:55 GMT

Update on my life!

My birthday went pretty well. I started off with one side of the family at a bar/restaurant that my family loves. I had about seven or so drinks with them. By the way…share my birthday with my older sister so when it is our birthday it is a big family thing. Left and met up with a few friends at Old Chicago and had some drinks there. Then went to a bar and had some drinks with a family friend… had a lot of shots! Apparently I made a few drunk dials… sorry! Overall it was not exactly what I would have liked but it was okay. I wish I could have spent some time with my friends from QU too.

Unfortunately my great uncle passed away at 1am on Wednesday : ( His cancer spread throughout the whole body and he was in a LOT of pain. I feel terrible that my mother did not get to go see him on my birthday. At our birthday dinner she talked to me about how she wished she could go back and see him but by the time dinner was over it would be too late. I told her to leave but she wouldn’t. No one knew it was going to be the next day. We knew it was going to be VERY soon but did not know for sure. I wish my mom could have gone and seen him one more time.

I am excited for next year. I can’t wait to be able to drink and not have to worry about getting written up all the time. I just hope we don’t have to deal with the cops… I am still really worried about taking 21.5 credits. I guess I am just going to put only about 50% effort into my class and not 100% because I wont have the energy. I refuse to do homework every night… I can’t and won’t! It’s my LAST semester to have fun before student teaching.

I hope everyone is enjoying their last weeks of summer!

Thanks again for all of the birthday messages I received from some of you! I love you girls!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 02:31:59 GMT

I just wanted to say thank you for everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday! I don't feel like it now but tommorrow I will try to write about it. I Love you girls!

Monday, July 17, 2006

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 01:55:29 GMT

I'm almost 21!!!!

I was hoping to see some of my sisters this weekend but that isn't going to happen... I am not forsure if it is cancelled or not but I can't go anyways. Mom said I can't go! For several reasons... so I need to plan a weekend trip to go see my little one, granddaughter, and the twinkie! As well as a few other people.. I am excited that I will be bale to finally go and get alcohol for myself and not have to worry about call one of my friends to pick me up some... and since my older friends were nice i plan on being nice as well next year... wink wink!!!!! The only thing i ask if for some reason I am trashed and I have no way home from somewhere and you aren't drunk yourself you will come pick up my drunk ass!

Miss you all and I love you tons!